Thanks Purgatory- I'll answer any questions that you have. I'm not sure how successful I've been... My W's desire for a D was a shock... My eyes were opened to the mistakes and ruts that caused a strain on the R. I admit that most were my fault... My Long distance 180 started, but GAL is difficult in rural Afghanistan : ) although I did make many plans and appointments, kept in excellent physical condition Nd read everything that I could find to improve myself or gain insight to my R. This site has been a gift, the people are so caring and helpful.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well... I'm finally home. My W, sons & even my dog showed up at the airport to greet me. My lawn was covered with huge signs from my neighbors and family, all lit up with huge flood lights. My W has planned a welcome home / holiday party too. We have been spending nice time together as a family, she went to the gym with me ( just like the old days), and was going to go for a long walk with me ... but it rained and decided to do it tomorrow. We've had conversations about all kinds of topics ( books, movies, kids)... Mostly small talk except when the topc drifted briefly to A-Stan horror stories. Sounds great.... Except for the fact that she sleeps in a spare bedroom in our house, has a deposit on an apartment and still plans to move forward with a D !? I haven't brought up any R conversations and have been acting as if. So difficult... She is beautiful and intelligent... I want to hold her, ML & never let her go. I wish...... But instead, I'm here with a " house-mate" and friend... Not a W. I know. I need to be patient, I just got back. Good news is that she and the Boys have noticed that I've been patient, not angry at all, optimistic, more outgoing ect - all of my 180 stuff. She even said that I look great. * Should I back off and not do anything alone with her? I've acted as if, and casually said that I'll help move a few of the heavy items when she moves out. She knows about my IC appts.... I haven't brought up MC again. My sitch is a bit odd because I've been gone for a year....* Any advice? My plan now is to keep moving forward, 180, get C ... and I've even located a D support group nearby that I'll check out. So scared.... More scared than in Afghanistan by far. At least I see improvement in myself , and others have noticed. Maybe W is waitting to see if the "new improved me" will last? I'm pretty sure that there isn't OM...my mind wanders over all kinds of nighmare scenarios. Yup... It's gonna be a long scary ride, I don't like roller-coasters : ) Oh well....I have a bunch of vaca time... I'll prob start working again in 6 weeks ( my civilian job) ... No more soldier games for a while, back to being in the reserves/ guard. Thanks again Everyone for always being there to help wth my sitch , your advice and concern! Take care P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
I know it must be so hard to come home after a year and you want to reconnect with your W and family (I used to LOVE hugging my H after a long deployment). labug is right though, you have to learn to live in your current sitch and keep focusing on the future... and you. my .02: I know the transition from 'soldier' to 'civilian' is a challenge and I hope you are able to step out of you boots and into your work shoes with ease. I do have a concern (and this might not apply, but keep in mind)... I've had many friends that come back and they are fine, other come back with ptsd and depression. With your current M issues and it being the holiday season, I'm concerned that you might be more susceptible to these. Please be honest with your C and honest with yourself- if you ever start to get overwhelmed by you 'new life', get the help and guidance needed to heal. I've lost 2 friends that were embarrassed and none of us knew, until it was too late.
I think that's awesome you found a D group to join! Keep posting and let us know how we can help!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
It was inevitable.....tried to avoid it- but W and I had a R talk after I noticed that she stopped wearing her ring... 2 hours later, tears from both of us... Just bad news. She loves me, there is no OM, said I am a great catch and a wonderful father....but her issue is that she can't trust me.... I used to have anger issues, kind of Jekyl n Hyde. I plan to discuss my anxiety, depression and probably PTSD issues with my IC next week. I've realized that I wasn't accepting the fact that I have these issues and that meds might be needed. I would never ever hurt my family- but my anger issues were bad. She needs to know that my changes are forever and are for ME... She is moving out in 2 weeks, still wants a D. Do I just detach and move forward while hoping she comes back? She agreed to wait until after new years to tell the boys. I'm crushed. I guess I just detach and put on a happy face while working on my 180 n gal.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am so proud of you for admitting to your issues and taking steps to work on them! My theory: 'if a pill will fix it, take it!' Your W told you what she needs: trusting that you are in control of your anger and more consistent behaviors. There's never a guarantee that she'll come back, but you know that she WILL NEVER come back until to get help for your issues- so that should be your focus. It must be really hard to detach, when you've already been gone for a year, and all you want to do is feel like part of the family again.
You've got a long, rough path to walk down... but talking to your C and taking control of your anger are great first steps!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I said that I would prefer to work on our M, but if she wants a D, I won't stand in her way... Told her that she has been fair and makes sense... & as hard as it is- have her L draw up the D or S papers and i'll sign them.
What else could I do? Now I work on being a better ME & loving my Boys... I deserve to have a W that can love me back, maybe she will come back... Maybe I deserve better... Feeling pretty bad right now. So hard to fake the smiles ... We are having a party in January, I guess I just put on an act...I am happy to see my family- but knowing that it is being torn apart crushes my heart and soul.
I traded one Hell for another... At least in Afghanistan I knew how to survive. This new battlefield is so complicated.
Oh well.... Spending the day playing with the kids, then yoga or the gym at night. IC appts after Christmas. May meet a friend later... Surrounded by people but I am so incredibly lonely inside ... I want to hold my W and never let go... It is tough, it is wrong, but I'm tempted to find another woman to hold... If my W doesn't want me, should I be completely non-sexual. I have always been absolutely faithful to my W... But she is throwing our M away.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is a very tough thing to get through. It might be a good thing that your wife moves out because then she can feel safe and might begin to miss you. She might be better able to see your changes from a distance.
Focus on you, detach from her. Most importantly, work on yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
