Separated But Living Under the Same Roof

[workinghardguy]

W brought up Christmas and said that spending several days together "as a family" felt "forced" and "awkward" because "of the situation between us" and that she feels "trapped" in the house.

James... if it makes you feel any better, I would say you're about at that point in this board game. But seriously... my W was saying the same exact thing (and I mean EXACT) at about the same point in time in our sitch. I remember thinking, trapped? Seriously? You're out partying all the damn time... I don't think "trapped" means what you think it means. And it got pretty bad and dark there in our house for a while. I felt helpless and watched her hurt and decline.

What helped in my house was my accepting of her having left the R. It was about that time that some post, I believe one of Sandi's, helped me realize that my W wasn't in the process of leaving that R...

She had already left!

So I was living moment by moment trying not to do something that would cause her to quit our marriage. I can only imagine this was excruciating to watch on her end as well as bizarre. It must have been so clear that I was trying to keep her in our marriage when all she wanted to be was out.

So then I got it... she's check out, done, gone, hasta la vista. And then things got better. Not better in the "yay! we're reconciling" better, but the dark clouds largely lifted. We can talk again. We can be in the same room, share dinner, and generally be around one another. If something she is doing bothers me I tell her, and vice versa. When she starts in on the dropping of the hints that she still wants a divorce I find a way to politely remind her that I'm quite aware of her desires and that I accept them, so she can stop now. And she does.

It's not perfect and it still suxx a lot... but it's better than the constant quiet battles we were having.