WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... I expect I won't see my W again tonight as she's at her BFF's house for drinks and I'm pretty tired so hoping to turn in early.

A good day... a day of some solid realizations. This morning was good... W and I getting along. S had a pajama party today so we let him open a present early since it was pajamas. However, since it was different it threw off the morning routine a bit (as did my W not waking up until 6:45 since she was out until 1:30 in the morning drinking). She was grumpy but not with me which was nice. The morning being off meant some texts and calls back and forth as S forgot stuff and I noticed it and so on.

Work was very quiet since most everyone was off. Got a lot ton and had too much time to think. Got down a few times but accomplished quite a bit today. Have to start accomplishing more... if I'm honest I have to admit I've largely been mailing it in the past few months. While I pride myself on getting more done in a week than my colleagues get done in a month, eventually this will catch up with me if I don't right the ship.

Left work early to finish some errands and do some shopping, but shopping for me. I had a gift card from my birthday and a gift card from work to a department store and went and got some new clothes. I'm not a fashion guy and so I missed having my W's input. But it was nice to buy pants that actually fit (and that are 6" smaller than my current pants) Got a few decent outfits. And only spent $40 of my own money

Afterward did some more errands and shopping. Ended up missing my W's text which was good; it meant it sat for 45 minutes before being answered. It wasn't a priority anyway. Got home and took son shopping to use the gift card his grandpa gave him. Picked up dinner on the way home and W and I ate dinner.

After dinner we ended up talking about things. Turns out she used her day off to look at some rental houses. I didn't freak, cry, or get emotional. Just listened a little. She is starting to get stressed. Things aren't falling into their neat little places. Man how I wanted to fix that for her... I found myself ready to offer another $200/month in alimony so she could afford a house she wants and then stopped myself... which I'll mention later as I discuss my IC appointment. Then she was talking about being scared to file for more child support from her XH. SS's C told her that it would be best if her and XH could work out something without court involvement, but there is no chance of that. I validated and supported her. The only time I became a little emotional is when she talked about almost having to get a restraining order against XH the last time she filed for child support. How XH was vicious and threatening. Then she said that she "knows" there have probably been a few times that I have wanted to hurt her or "kill her" since our sitch started, but that she's never actually felt threatened or in danger from me. And that's where my emotion came through... I stopped her and said that no, there has never been a time where I've wanted to hurt her, how could she think that? That yes, I have been hurt and angry at times but that it's entirely possible to be angry with someone and not have physical violence ever be contemplated. I would never, ever abuse or hurt my W and never have even gotten close in all our time together. She apologized and agreed... Still not sure where that came from. Anyway, shortly after that I told her that I was about at my limit for D talk in a given day and that if she wanted to talk more it would have to happen tomorrow or Saturday. She said that we still need to sit down and go over financial info and stuff, and I told her, as I have previously, I'm here and when you want to talk just tell me.

So the other highlight of the day was my IC appointment. It was a good appointment. My C really helped me see my "fixer" ways and how they play out. I was recounting the story from two weeks ago of how my W was frustrated with the D process and not knowing what to do about debts, assets, the house, custody. That I then grew frustrated and spent the next day generating proposals that addressed these areas, expecting a back and forth, but getting nothing.

He helped me see how I constantly try to parent my W. That she has been able to live, essentially, a teenage life for the past 8 years. How I have taken care of almost everything for her and let her live free. Want nice things? I'll buy them or finance them. Want a house right now? Ok, I'll figure out how to set up the financing package so we don't need to save to buy. Want to go to college? Ok. I'll take care of it so you get what you want at my expense. And I did it again with the divorce stuff. She was frustrated and complaining about how hard it is, so what did I do? I fixed it for her and played the nice dad who makes it all better.

Even tonight as we discussed rental houses. I found myself almost telling her I would give her more money so she could afford the house she wants. In essence I would "up her allowance" so she could have a better "crib". WTF is wrong with me? I'm so damn pathetic when it comes to fixing people.

But there were two bright sides... first, my C feels, and I agree, that my moment of indecision last night (about wondering how I would feel if she said she wants to stay together) was a momentous event. That it says I'm not where I was 30 days ago. 30 days ago I would've given anything to get back together. Now... well, no, not if things will be the way they are now or they way they were. Second, I am starting to realize what I really want in a partner and a relationship. I don't know that I've known what I wanted before this... thus I could never ask my W for it. Actually what I wanted to do was caretake because that's what I grew up knowing meant marital love. One spouse taking almost complete care of the other. But that's not healthy marital love...

I want a partner who will be honest with me, who is kind, loving, willing to experiment, willing to set goals and sacrifice to reach them, who accepts and gives intimacy (hugs, kisses, etc...), and who trusts me and herself. And I don't think I want my W back until she can be those things.

Unfortunately that's what has me sad today... because I know that my W can't be those things, at least not any time soon. Not until she works on herself and I don't believe that will happen until reality punches her in the face. And that means splitting up, either on her timeline or mine, is really the only future for us. I wish I could see another way, but I can't right now. Unless she were to pull back from her plans and ask to stay together, and then be willing to accept a new framework for our R that involves both of us becoming different than we are now.

I know we're supposed to keep the road home "paved and smooth." And I am doing that... but if we were to get to that point I'm not sure how smooth it would really be. I believe I could accept continuing the R but eventually we would have to address these issues. We would need to have a different R and work on being better/healthier people. My fear is that I am already doing that, and frankly, I don't think I have as far to go towards health as she does. I just don't know if she has it in her to do it, but I would be willing to give her the time and space. Whether that time and space happens together or apart is pretty much in her court at this point. I can really go either way right now.