Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[In_Shock]

thanks val and 25 --- I do feel like I keep messing up over and over-- but at least I keep realizing it. This time of year is just killing me emotionally!!! I know we can ALL relate to that.
I have enough trouble talking too much as we know, and when I'm emotional, well there goes the dam bursting!!!

It seems that after we do make some progress, she wants to them immediately deny it. I guess that's script too.

Yes, Val -- i understand about the changes being for me AND from love, etc... Sometimes it just seems so dark. Like today, she texted me that she was looking at a place (she's been trying to find a place to live since September...) and it hit me again. Christmas...will it be our last together here with S? Which led me to what my IC said the other day-- prepare for her to be sneaky like she has been and drop something on me regarding New Year's Eve on like December 30.....

So I'm trying to figure out how to insulate myself emotionally for this xmas -- for this new years--- with my images of W and OW 'dancing like sugarplums in my head' LOL.

You know, sometimes I wonder....this may sound crazy, but just want to run it by you guys. I wonder sometimes if I subconsciously sabotage myself with the talking/etc..... Is there a part of me that thinks this M actually SHOULD end and is hanging on due to codependence? or due to the 'hope/dream of the white picket fence and family?" I have been considering that lately. I mean, really --- what is my motivation to hang on so freaking hard to to this???? Is it love or is it codependence??

(Val, your struggle with recognizing codependence made me start to really look inward. I'm doing some reading..... I need to know myself better before I can say I can really ever commit to anyone....I need to concentrate really hard on self examinination!)

So that's where I am tonight. Messed up due to this time of year. Afraid to ask W exactly what we're doing about S on xmas and xmas eve....meloncholy.... trying to figure out if I even really love my W the way I thought or if I'm just stuck in the 'american dream of a family.' Terrified of how horrible I may feel on NY eve ---

AND THANKFUL for the AMAZING support I receive here. I wasn't 'fishing for compliments' yesterday, but I appreciate the kind words and encouragement.

I'm progressing regardless. I won't give up the good fight --- at least ultimately for S and myself. I hope things with W work out, but I'm trying to detach detach detach. Some days are easier than others. I can't wait until MARCH comes....(gotta get through Valentine's day too....!)