No, you cannot let your future happiness depend on her forgiveness. My ex still hates me and I am still the reason for all that is wrong in his world..or so I have been told. In the beginning, that bothered me tremendously because no one likes knowing someone hates them. You don't get to control that. As much as you want to, it isn't your choice.
I have come to a place where I feel some pity for my ex. He still expends that much energy hating me. That is a tremendous effort. 6 years have passed and he hasn't changed. That is sad. So while I acknowledge the hurt I felt and the pain he put me through, it just makes me realize how much growing I have done.
Unfortunately you have children. That means your ex, if she never grows up, will try to make you pay for all you have "done". You don't have to take that either. You set boundaries. If you don't, then you become her whipping post. She will take great pride in pushing your buttons.
The basic tenet here is: You can't change someone else but you can change how you react to them. By changing your reaction, you eventually change the behavior. So set your boundaries, stop rewarding her hateful behavior, and begin a new chapter. You can do this. Just like DBing, it takes work but the payoff is worth it. If you have to, write down certain responses for her button pushing if you buckle under stress, and refer to them often. Do what works for you to stay on track and you will be ok. And your kids will be ok.
