living in limbo

[learning2listen]

Well, i spoke to h, he is completely stressed out and seems to be in deniel.. I can hear in his voice that he has no idea what he is doing or how everything is going to work out. I asked him to just reassure d that he will still see her. and to just talk to her.. she needs to hear it from him.

I made no mention of he and I or any of it, I am trying to jsut let sleeping dogs lay.. I know once he is moved to the new city and he has noone but himself to be around he will finally see this for what it is.. alone time can be a good thing for him.

I spoke to an attorney and there is no big advantage to filing if he keeps up on his financial agreement, and if he doesnt then we can cross that bridge when and if it happens... I had heard that the person who files wins.. there is no property to divide just debts and custody.

As for DBing, I feel like I am, I am detaching and trying to appear that I am moving on...it really doesnt seem to affect him...but it aint over til the fat lady sings!

[learning2listen]

Well, for whatever reason the last few days have been overwelming in pain... I cant seem to get back to a place of peace.. my h has clearly moved on..

he is moving on Monday and has no intention of trying to see me before he goes. he is making an effort to see the kids which should be enough for me..but its not.

I feel like the wound that was starting to heal has opened up all over again. why is it so easy for him to just walk away? all he seems to be focusing on is work... I guess he could just be doing that to avoid thinking about us, but he gives me no reasons to believe he has any doubts in his decision to end our R.

[learning2listen]

oh boy... so my melt down over the last few days errupted...my h picked up d for an overnight visit..I thought I was prepared to see him though the sick feeling in my stomach was out of control...

I kept telling myself, when I see him, I know the ring will be off his finger.. (i have put alot more weight into that ring then I thought...)

When he came in my office i looked at his hand and saw no ring.. I waited to say anything...waited until d was in his car...and i said i see your not wearing your ring anymore...he pulled his hand out of his pocket and said what are you talkiing about, its on my left hand like it has been for 11 years...wth?

he hugged me and said hang in there, go to your moms for Christmas like planned and stay strong...we will get through this...what is going on???? please help me understand?????

[any chance?]

To quote you a few days ago:
I can hear in his voice that he has no idea what he is doing or how everything is going to work out.

This is probably exactly the case. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Don't let your brain run wild. As many here have said; this is a marathon, not a sprint. The holidays are hard on all of us LBSs...none us want to be here.

Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Avoid getting into a deep funk. Talk to a friend. Vent here. Work out. Anything to get your mind off your sitch and how scary everything seems...be strong. Be confident in yourself and who you are, and work toward who you want to be. Hang in there.

[purgatory]

I can relate to your sitch. I've been having a hard time with the up's and down's... and dealing with the holiday season as a LBS. I've gotten a lot of great advice from experiences DBers, one in particular might help you too:

"I know it's hard when we hear our spouses sound so confident and calm in their choice to leave us. One thing that has been helpful for me to remember is that feelings aren't permanent. Just because your H feels this way today, doesn't mean he will feel this way days/months/years down the road. We all change our minds. It's part of being human. Accept that he feels that way right now, but don't take it as gospel and allow yourself to lose hope." [user: SomeDay]

I've found that posting regularly has helped me to vent and get the support I so desperately need.

[kolja]

I can understand about the ring. My wife hadn't worn hers at HOME for a while, because she said it was uncomfortable when she would lay on the couch to watch TV or whatever (peraps the rock was TOO big? ) but was always good about wearing it outside of the house.

But in October she took a girls trip to Vegas and in the pictures her friend posted she wasn't wearing it, which was saddening, and when she finally started leaving the house without it on a couple weeks ago, it was kind of a bummer - though to be expected considering where her head is at these days. Hang in there!

[BFloat]

i'm so sorry you're here. but by reading your story and many others.. it brings me a sense of peace about not being alone. i hope you find the same.

as for your emotional meltdown.. i think we've all had them. i really never thought i'd find myself in this position and in the beginning.. i begged.. cried.. tried to rationalize.. and in the end, i agreed with the separation because i felt i was slowly losing pieces of myself by continuing on that pattern.

my H says he feels done. on the one hand he says of course he has hope that we will be able to work things out because why would he still be here (on weekends with the kids and dinner with me on saturdays) but on the other hand.. he never talks about us and anything positive. when i mention that we will have to think about what will happen in january (when trial separation ends) because the mortgage needs to be renewed.. he doesn't say, of course we'll renew or anything like that. he just says.. we'll figure it out. what does that mean?

i completely get the living in limbo. i feel that way all the time. i love my kids. love love love them! for them, that's why i fight so hard to save this marriage. i just wish my alien husband could get that and feel the same!

hang in there!

[learning2listen]

THank you all for your words! I have really good days and really bad days.. the last few have been bad, but I put on a brave face for my kids.. they dont see the "limbo" I wont allow them to feel insecure..

H is scared, he admitted that to me yesterday... only time wil tell what the future holds, but honestly I see why sometimes the LBS jsut gives up, and sometimes that is the right choice. I am balancing between living my life and growing..

I know the next few weeks will be very difficult so I pre apoligize for future rants... lol...

thank you to each and everyone of you on here, i know you all know we are here for a reason, and you all help me through the tough times. I hope some of my insight helps you too. Happiest of Holidays to all!

[BFloat]

rant away! it's comforting to have a place to go where it feels safe to share your story. my friends and family are great but it's just not the same. especially when they all have their own opinions about the situation.

yes, i will agree with you. i sometimes see why the LBS would give up too. especially when we're faced with all the hot and cold emotions. my IC says they are like teenagers swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other and so their actions go from one extreme to the other.

a gf of mine told me that in the chinese calendar, a good luck year is always preceded by a bad luck year. if that's the case, 2012 should be pretty awesome! LOL. there's always hope right?

[learning2listen]

barely floating.. thanks for letting me rant.. today seems jsut as any other..
except my h now lives 130 miles away.. I sent him a text saying i hoped the move went well and good luck on his first day with the new place..

He responded with a huge text rambling on as to how everything cost more than he expected and the remodeled apartment wasnt quite done, but then ended it with that the apartment is warm and cozy, he seemed in good spirits..

I deliberately wasnt in town this Christmas, I thought it would be better for me and the kids to be with my family.. I think I was right..

I have no idea what the future holds, I just know this is beyond painful and I wish for some sign of relief..