Feels like the bottom of 9th with 2 outs

[NYCPeter]

Link to my previous thread is Here

Many thanks to the various contributors to my threads - it seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane at times.

I know everyone says "Time is your friend" - and my W has yet to file (though it's pretty clear she will file in Jan). It feels as though I'm reaching the end of a game I was overmatched and never could win.

My W decided at the beginning it's over and she really hasn't shown anything that has changed her mind. Although OM appears to be over (who knows) - her resolve to move forward appears to have hardened, she's stopped wearing her wedding/engagement rings and told a friend that it was because "the M is over - so why wear them".

I have made many, many mistakes (mainly not keeping my mouth shut) - but I know I am a much better father and husband than when all this started - and you know what, I like myself alot more aswell.

In response to some of the questions from the previous thread

Do you want that role to be angry/bitter dad guy? Probably not.

No - I do not, I want to show them their dad will always love them regardless of my R with their mother, I want them to know that they can come to me for anything and rely on me when needed.

it sounds like you're looking at this as a death sentence, and it's not.

You are right - it's not, but it certainly changes what I want, I realize we can't have everything we want in life but I will try my darnest to get what I want if possible.

If you could take some time to reflect on yourself, what are you most afraid of with all of this?

Where do I start :

Caring for D9 : Caring for a special needs child is daunting for two parents - I worry that if I'm not there my W will be overwhelmed with caring for her on her own.

Spending time with girls : I don't want to see them EOW - I want to read to them every night, I want to hear how school went today, I want to see them grow into fine young women.

Loneliness - my family lives in the UK and California, this is my family, I have many friends but I want to be with my family.

Financial - I want my family to be financially secure, to have things and be able to do things I wasn't able to growing up. We weren't poor - but there was never much $$ around I don't want my family to be scrambling for $$ week to week.

Career - I'm not happy in my carrer and want to retrain into something more satisfying. Because of financial obligations I likely won't be able to do that.

Life partner - If I'm to be totally honest, I'm not sure I would find someone else to be a life partner with.

Quick Journal :
D9's birthday on 24th - despite her disabilities she is such a happy little girl, we are truly blessed. I'll take the girls horseback riding and we'll go to a local restaurant to eat (W is working from 1:00pm)

I needed to work late on Tues and played soccer last night - so I've been skyping with D7, she loves it and it's great to have fun with her - even when we're not in the same room. I needed to turn skype off as she kept trying to call me during meetings.

No real interaction with W since Monday - a couple of texts about girls, nothing else. W's family will be spending Christmas day with us - I get on pretty well with them, but will focus on making sure the girls enjoy the day.