WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm going to take a stab at this but could be wrong, so you know...

I am going up for xmas morning for presents and breakfast, which I will help out with if she lets me.

stop with the "if she lets me". Just do it. Don't ask

and don't act like you expect to be rewarded. This sounds like a parental function she should not have to do ALL of by herself anyhow...imo


I used to let her sleep in on Saturdays and I would get up with kids feed them and get them all set as well as make something for breakfast. Sundays would be my day and she would do the same.

I have said it before I know it will be hard work for us if we reconcile, BUT I am used to getting my hands dirty and I am a forgiving man. How I was raised. People ask where have all the gentlemen gone. Here is one of them, how I was raised by my parents. I know with couples therapy for us and private on our own as well as all of you I know I will be ok whatever the outcome has for my future.

IF your w believes you will hold the affair (I'll assume it's an affair for the sake of discussion b/c I don't want to get bogged down in whether it's an EA or a PA or whatever...)

so if she believes you will hold it over her head like the Sword of Damacles

or throw it in her face every time you feel insecure or angry,

she won't come back. This is one reason it's SO important you Not appear resentful

I believe Many more WASs would come home if they thought they would be forgiven.

Fair or not, it's the LBSers job to show that they, (The LBSer) can and will get past it. (And speaking of fair, we KNOW this does not feel fair. I say 2 things to that. First, to HER

the marriage was unfair for a LONG time...longer than YOU realize and

2nd, more importantly, if you want to see the really "UNfair" - look at Africa...(for perspective) so

Lose the anger, at least in front of her. I know that is hard. Believe me...but it does help YOU and your family.

My anger consumed ME and when I realized the truth of that, it helped me to start letting go of it.

Besides, if you don't let it go, YOU will never be really happy again, no matter what SHE does...


I will even see if she wants to do some of these course I read about once or twice a year. Just to make sure everything is ok and we learn and grow from this.

that is all future talk and still depends on HER....

what are YOU DOING NOW to show change in you?

Not promises about later on IF she comes back...your words mean little to her now.

For NOW -here are some ideas...

YOU take a class (& start working LESS ASAP) and or join a club,

Do something that gets you meeting more people, with or without her.

Your 180s are mostly verbal and they simply are you "asking" and not doing.

Plus, the GAL are, no offense, but insufficient. Here are some of the things I did that I

had mostly always wanted to do - but some were just to push my comfort zone outward...

I took flying lessons, and went skydiving. THAT makes an impression...

I took a pottery class, and volunteered at the women's shelter (Then got on the board of directors, and it helped my job search/resume)

joined a writer's club (something I wrote got entered into a play festival and won...go figure)

edited a book on my free time, for money. This lead to meeting a bunch of new interesting people

I auditioned for plays and got roles in them. Met cool actors.

I did stand up comedy (Oh yeah, I'm damn funny)--now write jokes for money as an avocation

I learned to hunt and fish, which h loved to do. Now I can do it on my own OR with him. He appreciates it.

Worked out like a maniac, and got in great shape

saw a shrink and got on some meds for several months...thank GOD!

found a support group...

I do think there's more but you get the idea? Most of these things cost little or were free...

so branch out some more...you can do this. And you will NOT regret it.

((( )))