What else could I have done?

[antlers]

You did say something that struck me. You would like her to forgive you. Well, don't hold onto that one. She may not. But that shouldn't affect how you let go of things in order to move on. It's like me wanting my exH to be sorry for all the hurt he has caused me, our daughter and my family. It's probably never going to happen. I just did what I needed to do for me.

I feel bad to this day for treating her the way I did. For over 3 years I've been sincerely apologizing to her, acknowledging my wrongdoings to her, and asked for her forgiveness....in addition to doing all of the work that I've done to fix me (because I was a broken person during the marriage). None of it has mattered to her. She says that she "hates" me. I do feel very bad for being the way I was to her. I would like her forgiveness. But my future happiness and well-being shouldn't be dependent on whether or not I get it...should it? Should I have to be miserable, and pay for the bad way that I treated her...for the rest of my life?

[figgeroni]

you are the one that is allowing yourself to be miserable
if she forgives you or not


it is up to her to forgive you or not

the changes you made should have been because of knowing what you did was wrong

not to win her back or to GET her forgiveness
but because it was wrong to be that way

you were wrong
in being wrong you run the risk of losing it all

it doesn't matter how sorry you are after the fact



why are you letting your future happiness rest on if she forgives you or not???

[25yearsmlc]

It is time to let go. Forgive her for her wrongs just as you expected her to forgive you, yours. And accept that she has moved on.

I want to. I'm working on it. My youngest daughter recently told me that her mom "brainwashed" her and my son for over a year and a half against me after she left...she poisoned my kids against me for over a year and a half! And they are messed up because of that. That's not easy to forgive...do you agree?


of course it's not easy. If it were, we'd all have done it in a week...

but can you see that it is NOT about justice of what is fair??? it's about YOUR HAPPINESS. She is irrelevant.

You cannot use HER happiness/misery as an index for yours. If she wins the lottery does that diminish your life?

If her car breaks down, does that enhance your life? NO...she is NOT relevant to your happiness.

Treat your life as if it were a novel. Who is writing yours? How about YOU being the author of the next chapter and the rest of this book?

How do YOU want YOUR LIFE TO GO? Take charge of it. Be the author of your life


And forgiving her for her cheating and lying, especially while I was working to make things better for all of us...that's not easy to forgive. Do you agree?

Do you think it's necessary to forgive her these things in order for me to let go and move on?


YES I DO...but don't confuse forgiveness with condoning...just let it and her go.

WIthout any judgement. She's not in your life anymore. My biggest regret in my h's mlc

was how much time I spent on wondering IF HE was happy or miserable or what HE was thinking/doing/planning/feeling.

Instead, I could have spent all that time and energy on MY LIFE and my kids'...

btw, the more your w bad mouths you and in contrast, you behave with dignity, the more respect your kids will have for you later in life. I have seen this time and time again.

It will backfire on her and honor you, if you behave with strength and dignity.

She hasn't forgiven me anything, and she's let go and moved on according to her and her mother!

WELL...So what? Seriously...so what? What does that have to do with YOUR LIFE?

YOU MUST DETACH.


I really want to do whatever it takes...I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

I get that^^^. And when you are sick & tired enough, of feeling sick & tired, you'll begin the real process of letting go.

And peace will be yours. It gets better...I promise

((( )))

[antlers]

I don't deny that I've contributed to my misery. My happiness shouldn't depend on whether or not I get forgiveness from her. Do you agree?

I realize that it's up to her...there's never been any disagreement with that.

The changes I made were made because I realized that I was wrong, and I needed to make those changes because they needed to be made, period, and for no other reason than that. Regardless of anything else, those changes needed to be made, no matter what.

They weren't made to get her back or to win her forgiveness. They were made because it was wrong to be that way.

I know that.
I realize that, and have realized that for over 3 years now. And that is what happened.

I realize that too...but after the fact, what more could I have done other than what I did?


Damned if I know? I don't want my happiness to depend on something that I have no control over!

[25yearsmlc]

I don't deny that I've contributed to my misery. My happiness shouldn't depend on whether or not I get forgiveness from her. Do you agree?

um, YEAH!


I realize that it's up to her...there's never been any disagreement with that.

The changes I made were made because I realized that I was wrong, and I needed to make those changes because they needed to be made, period, and for no other reason than that. Regardless of anything else, those changes needed to be made, no matter what.

They weren't made to get her back or to win her forgiveness. They were made because it was wrong to be that way.

I know that.
I realize that, and have realized that for over 3 years now. And that is what happened.

I realize that too...but after the fact, what more could I have done other than what I did?


Damned if I know? I don't want my happiness to depend on something that I have no control over!

IT DOES NOT DEPEND ON THINGS OVER WHICH YOU HAVE NO CONTROL...

YOUR HAPPINESS IS COMPLETELY YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND WITHIN YOUR CONTROL and only within yours...

AND NO ONE ELSE'S....

of course if you get cancer, or a car runs you over, that hurts!!

But you can handle it how YOU want to handle it. You really do create what is in your life.

You are in charge of your response. Similarly, you do not need a thing from your w to be happy.

She's not your w anymore...

she's like that homeless man who lived on a grill near my subway stop. For some reason, he HATED ME...

I must have reminded him of someone or triggered a synapse misfiring. He'd yell at me when I got off the subway on a daily basis.

I spent energy of mine, wondering what I had "done" to "make HIM mad at me."

One day my boss was with me and the homeless man, whom I only knew by sight, screamed at me and my boss joked that it "must be an old boyfriend."

For whatever reason, after laughing hard, I realized I had given power of my self image to an insane homeless man. His "Data" about me isn't real.

It makes NO difference in the universe what that homeless nut thinks of ME.

your bittersounding xw also has NO power over your life UNLESS you give it to her.

is her "Data" about you real? If it is, fix it.

If it is NOT "real data" about you or no longer applies, then let it all go...


when you see this and feel it (where the head goes, the heart will follow...eventually)

you will find your peace and joy again and NO ONE can take it from you.

it's yours...all yours and only yours.

[JT71]

No, you cannot let your future happiness depend on her forgiveness. My ex still hates me and I am still the reason for all that is wrong in his world..or so I have been told. In the beginning, that bothered me tremendously because no one likes knowing someone hates them. You don't get to control that. As much as you want to, it isn't your choice.

I have come to a place where I feel some pity for my ex. He still expends that much energy hating me. That is a tremendous effort. 6 years have passed and he hasn't changed. That is sad. So while I acknowledge the hurt I felt and the pain he put me through, it just makes me realize how much growing I have done.

Unfortunately you have children. That means your ex, if she never grows up, will try to make you pay for all you have "done". You don't have to take that either. You set boundaries. If you don't, then you become her whipping post. She will take great pride in pushing your buttons.

The basic tenet here is: You can't change someone else but you can change how you react to them. By changing your reaction, you eventually change the behavior. So set your boundaries, stop rewarding her hateful behavior, and begin a new chapter. You can do this. Just like DBing, it takes work but the payoff is worth it. If you have to, write down certain responses for her button pushing if you buckle under stress, and refer to them often. Do what works for you to stay on track and you will be ok. And your kids will be ok.

[JT71]

And, as a side note, I bet there are a million people who wish they could load their sitch into a simulator and spend hours trying different scenarios in an effort to see what the magic word would have been to save their marriage. Maybe someone will create an App for it. The truth is, you can wonder your whole life what went wrong and if what you did was wrong. The fact is: you are human and imperfect. You did what was right for you at the time. You can't second guess that. You were also dealing with another human who is imperfect and there is no predicting his/her reaction on a given day. And in most cases, you were dealing with a very irrational being. As one wise person told me;" you cannot expect rational behavior from an irrational being."

Hindsight may be 20/20 but all that looking back will make you stumble as you move forward.

[Iwondertooo]

I have something simple to say. Assuming anything about people's motives is not a good idea. My example is MLC25's story about the homeless man. She thought he was talking about her and he probably was not.

There is a concept of inappropriate guilt. I do not know what your story is exactly. But I do know you feel guilty. If you did things that were horribly wrong then I understand your need for forgiving yourself. You can also examine if you did these things then what is appropriate to fix them in the future and apologies for the past. That would be just for you.

For me I never ever to my inlaws spoke one bad thing about my ex. I told them my story without recrimination and we have a good relationshop to this day. Whatever he told them I have no idea. Moving forward in this manner might help you. But in Barb's camp, can't forgive what happened, on the other hand in some ways I do. People are not perfect, none of us. That is how I found my peace. Wonder

[antlers]

Regarding the forgiveness...how do I do that? I mean, in a letter, in a text, e-mail...or do I do it in my mind and heart? Is it a decision I make within myself and then just let it go?

How do I get my power back? Ever since i became aware that she left emotionally, which was well before she actually left, I've felt like my personal power was gone. It was gone! I still feel like that. How do I get it back?

[antlers]

I've owned my mistakes since the beginning of this awful mess. She's owned nothing to this day! I certainly do not hate her...it might be easier for me if I did. But she does hate me. I admit that it still makes me feel bad...even though I know in my heart that I'm not the same person I was in that relationship. I know that i have no control over what she thinks. I want for my feelings about myself to matter more to me than her feelings about me do...how do I get there?