WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[witz10]

Thank you 25 I really do need people to be blunt on here. I am lost I am not really sure what to do and now I am starting to question my therapist.

We had a good first night of hanukah kids liked there toys and I already have had to exchange two toys for broken parts. Fun part of the holidays.

[I felt similar to Adinva btw. I pick up a lot of resentment from you.] I guess I resent that from the beginning she has lied to me. Basically since March some time when I caught this guys arm around my W's a$$. She said she didn't notice and now I was told by my neighbor that she gave this guy a peck on the lips one night and supposedly told me this. She never told me. If she had I would have had a problem with it. She asked me to go to counseling and I went with an open heart and open mind to hear the problems. We went the first week she told me she was not happy and had issues with me working for my family. Even then I was trying to get out of the family business and make changes. I was paying more attention to her when I was home. Another problem I still worked on weekends when we should have been on dates. Instead she would be next door with the guys. The other problem was we don't argue I let things go and I didn't speak up when I should. That has stopped. When she asked me for the last time to separate she also said we would restart slow by dating. Well 8 months and only 1 date and that was down the shore to talk about therapy and us after we got back from vacation. Before finding MWD's book I was trying to talk with her as much as possible and I pursued, was needy and pathetic. I did everything your not supposed to do. She went to the other man I think in August or September, thats when I started finding his beer in my fridge.

[Seems there is a lot of score keeping and measuring going on from you, and she has had to ask you for help in things that most "partners" would already be doing.] She refuses to ask me for help these days. I have to see if she needs help or I just do it on my own. In the past I always did chores around our home never had to ask. When it came to kids, meals, laundry, trash I was a good husband. We just lost our communication and romance. Again because she worked 2 jobs and so did I. Mine were mostly weekend so we would have up till 5 or 6 at night to do whatever together. Whether shopping or working out. Believe me I miss all this.

[It's not a big 2 x 4 but I cannot help but feel you are tallying acts of service instead of just lovingly giving...]I am doing everything possible to be more loving to her but she doesn't want any of it. I have brought flowers when I know she has had a bad day at work. I always ask her how she is doing, open doors when we are out, try to make her as comfortable as possible. I pick things up when I know she needs them, if I am running to the store me for I will text and ask her if she needs anything.

[I'm also very unclear as to what your 180s are.]
My 180's now are not pursuing her
GAL, which I go out with friends every weekend I don't have my kids
being more patient
When I was up at the condo, before I took kids twice a week, I was leaving as she was coming in. Not sticking around for chit chat. Still do that if we have a family outing. Did that last weekend when we got home from train ride at 930. I left and went to a xmas party
Losing weight for me and getting in shape. Ran first 5k last week with family
Watching about an hour of tv at night if that. As to where I used to watch 2-3 hours a night and be up till 1am
I bought a bunch of new clothes for me and I am dressing nicer.
The biggest 180 would be the new job whenever that happens. She does not believe I am looking and trying to get out.
I try to talk with her and make little jokes but she doesn't want any of it. Unless its about kids or finances. So I stopped reaching out and let her make first contact.
Of course I get at least 1 email a day around 10am. Whether it is important or not.
Like yesterday she emailed just to tell me she was mailing pics to my aunt. Which I already new since I was the one to buy the picture envelopes she asked me to pick up the day before.
Are these good 180's if not I would gladly take suggestions. Like I said please I look at this BB as a life coach in ways. I am still learning.

[What changes do you think your w has noticed, if any, in You?]
I know she has noticed the clothes and me getting fit she made a comment to my neighbor talking about how I am looking these days.

[You posted first in October, I believe (which is why I thought your sitch was only 2 months)]Nope found her book in October wish I found it months ago.

originally about how your w announced she wanted out.

[It sounded as if you didn't put much effort into the actual r between you and your w. (TV instead of joining her in bed, not going to counselling after SHE asked to...etc) Otherwise you were vague about her complaints and yet you were seeing a therapist. This confuses me.] I would work my families office during the day, come home eat and kiss my w and kids goodbye and go to retail job at night. So only see her in the morning and dinner for a half hour. When I would get home I was not tired from being at work and would my alone time. Instead I should have been reading in bed next to her. Or I read somewhere I should have laid in bed with her for 15-20 minutes till she fell asleep then go sit.
I needed to learn to be more aggressive and less passive. I just followed whatever my W said we were doing for that day. If she asked me to do something like paint the bathroom I would let it go for months. We lost the romance and passion and that was also why we went to a therapist to start talking again. We became roommates. I learned I was Depressed.

Its funny I am reading DR and highlighting the hell out of it. Everything MWD is writing about depression or MLC I can see in myself over the last 2-3 years. Not all the signs for depression but I could recognize how I was acting same with MLC.

Surely you must know some of your issues and it's not all a mystery, right? see above

[Anyhow, in that original post, after the comment about how you sort of ignored her as a woman, then you said you loved her "more than anything and she knows it."

um, really?] Yea she knows I love her and want her back. I have put it in writing over the summer and I have told her.

[To me, it's clear she did Not feel loved by you.]
Yea she felt neglected and ignored. She asked me for more passion and romance and I did not listen I had no idea what to do. Now I have ideas at the ying yang.

I'm actually NOT trying to hit you with a 2 x 4 - but let's say I'm onto something here, okay?[b] HIT AWAY I give you permission to drop an anvil on my head ala wile e coyote

For a minute, assume that the core problem in your marriage was you taking her for granted as a mate.

[So, what's new Now? How have YOU outwardly changed towards her?] I try to help and talk with her as much as possible. I try to do as much as possible IF she will let me. She wants to do things for herself at the moment.

[How would she come to believe that marriage to you now, could be better or different?] This I really don't know. I would sit her down and tell her that we will talk every night about our days, future or whatever. I would be more attentive to her more. Pay attention more to her. I always complimented her. Call each other at work for a quick catch me up. Cook more, I used to make dinner every night when we lived in CA but I also worked from home. Challenge her more mentally whether game or conversation

[If you cannot answer that^^^ with Some specifics, that's you being stuck.] Believe me I am not stuck on this.

[As for dating OWs, I know it's hard to assess other's sitches.] I am not dating anyone and have not even gone out.

[And I don't know much about the OM in her life. You seemed to sort of skim over it and suddenly I was reading about an OM and said, "what OM??"
I missed something big there.] This is one of the guys who she was drinking with when I was not home on weekends. He would listen to her and was there to talk with. He pursued her and now has her even though they don't go anywhere but her place and his.


[What's new in your r? How are you different around her? The 180s?] I am more up front and just answer questions if she asks. I do feel like I walk on eggshells. I try to help when she allows me to. I offer to help her out. I try to make sure she is ok.

And how are your GAL activities? Went to a xmas party last week, try to make plans everyweek to go out with friends, go to the gym, looking into softball in the spring, tried to get my drumset out of storage but my sons train tracks took that space over. Looking to do more 5ks as well.

[being a bit mysterious around your w, would not hurt!] I don't tell her what I do. As for haircut not much up top clipped down all the way.

[So Keep talking to Him b/c He is listening...and be open to the changes He might bring about in You...] I try every night before bed. Like I said things happen for a reason.

((( )))
[/quote]back at you thank you again!!!!