I don't like being on this roller coaster! Yesterday went fairly ok, though no contact from H during the day. MIL stopped by work and brought coffee. The evening with S was good. We colored together and it felt very therapeutic. H called to talk to S. S asked him where he was and when he'd be home. H left the home Tuesday morning and said he'd be back on Friday, but I didn't know where he was staying. He then talked to me for a few minutes, just general stuff.
I watched Crazy Stupid Love last night and it made me cry a few times.
H texted me this morning randomly talking about lottery tickets. I then made the mistake of asking him how he was doing. And the tone suddenly switched. He said that we are doomed and that he doesn't believe in change. He said he's terrified to come home. I am not expecting anything from him tomorrow. I don't expect him to suddenly have a change of heart and tell me how wrong and confused he was (though I secretly do wish that). I want to get through XMas pleasantly with our S. It terrifies me to think about the time after the holidays. I don't know where his head is and what he's planning. All I know is that he's very angry, frustrated, and confused. I'm afraid that he was expecting his feelings to cool off in these few days, but I know that's unrealistic. I'm afraid he will need more time, and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that. My body and heart are hurting so much! I know I need to "let him go", but it's so hard. I know I can't do anything to make him change his mind, other than do stuff for myself.
Looking forward to my very first IC tomorrow. H can't believe I'm actually going (I never wanted to go in the past), so maybe that's one of my 180's?
