I first saw those words on a billboard and they really hit home for me.
I took a communication course when my kids were small. I learned that the best communication takes place when you talk about your own feelings and perceptions. "I" statements. Not "She" statements. You are constantly bringing up what She did. People here and in your life are much more open to "I" statments. "I feel hurt over some of the things that happened in my marriage". - that kind of thing. Not "She did this and she did that". Yes - we all know. You are not the only one this has happened to. We have all been to Hell and back with the things our spouse did to us.
Everyone here is giving you fabulous advice. You need to take the time to listen and make a game plan.
I had a similar experience to Gypsy. I ran into ex's aunt and uncle one day (a couple of years after he ran off with OW). I told them what a Sh!t he was. How badly he treated me. How he wouldn't pay the kids' tuition. etc. etc. etc. I went on and on. And guess what? These 2 people whom I really cared about have removed themselves from my life. So I stopped. I realized that his relatives all cared but they had absolutely no control over his actions. But he was still their brother, nephew etc.
Today I have had his brother, nieces and nephews and one aunt and uncle stay in touch via Facebook or Christmas cards. This is better for my kids.
Life is not fair. Definitely not. At 4 years old - my son suffered traumatic brain injury. Ex left me and I raise him on my own and it is NOT easy. Not one day is easy. But I go on and I have a great life. Because I choose to have a great life regardless of my past.
I can honestly say that after 10 years - I do NOT forgive my ex for the horror and pain he caused me. Yes - you read that right. But I have gotten PAST it. I do not allow myself to drown in it. I had to go through it to get out of it. To feel the emotion. Then to take control of it and let go.
It took time and distance. After years of hanging on (I was one of the worst) - I finally stopped all communication with him unless it was something urgent about the kids. And he continued to be the nastiest person on the planet to me and sometimes the kids and even others. Which said a great deal about HIM - not about me. While I went on, met a wonderful someone new and began a much better life without him.
And it takes time to see them change too. Today we communicate a bit. I don't like him at all or what he did to me. I will not meet OW (they married) and accept that - but it is what it is. I do not talk to my kids about him unless they start the conversation then I listen, listen, listen as they struggle to come to terms with it all and keep whatever relationship with him that they can.
And my son's nurse tells me he cries a bit when she is leaving with my son (he sees him app once a month). Even though she doesn't know the story well (I have stopped TELLING everyone what happened) - she says - I think he regrets his choices.
Yes - they want the world to thing they've got a better life but truly - do you believe that? They live with guilt - like it or not and that can eat them up from the inside out.
Make some changes in your life. Make a concious decision to to that. Don't justify your own actions - make changes for the better. I started by telling myself I would not say one bad thing to the kids about their father. I regretted some things I had already said. It was a small first step but it led to many more.
Time heals all wounds and Time wounds all heels.
Listen. We have all walked in your shoes. We know.
