I saw that my thread was locked so I started a new one. I haven't been able to post and find myself wanting to spend less time on the board.
It is not because I care less about the people on this board, or that I no longer want to save my marriage... I just feel like almost every aspect of my situation is in God's hands now.
The D is almost done. I don't expect my w to reach out to me during the holidays. I may not have told her what I am doing, but she reads my FB and I'm posting all the time about my vacation. I know I'm supposed to be "mysterious" but I find myself caring more and more about myself and my happiness vs. what my w thinks about my status.
I find myself frustrated that I still think about her constantly. I find myself wanting to move on with life. Not in an angry way or out of hurt, but because I am getting happy, and if I wasn't dealing with a D... I think I might be the happiest I have been in a long time.
I find myself becoming impatient because I have only a little bit of negative and I just want to cut it out. I long for my heart to be mended. I'll accept the new scar on it.. and will be grateful for it.. but I'm tired of putting the pieces back together.
I'm just feeling ready to be "done".. ya know? I feel like I put in the good fight. I still love my w and would be willing to reconcile and am working hard to forgive....
.... but I don't want my sitch to be my focus of my life anymore.
I have committed to getting healthy and becoming a better Val.. That's where I want my focus and that doesn't have anything really to do with her.
I never had a timeline.. but I feel like I've done my part. Until God shows me something else, I'm gonna live my life and turn this relationship over to him. Whatever the outcome, he knows what's best for me.
And I just want to be grateful for what I have and where I'm going and let go of the pain.
Maybe this is just ramblings under the influence a new book I'm reading. It's small and called "Gratitude". It's written by the same author of "Codependent No More".
I don't know if the feelings will last but both my heart and my head are ready to let go of this negative situation. Ready to start thinking about all the joy life is bringing vs. battling the negatives from ONE situation.
These feelings may be why I'm not posting.
Because...
If I'm honest, I just feel like me posting about my sitch keeps me stagnant. Maybe it's because I'm not posting about the right things..
I guess I'll have to think about that.
Enough ramblings for the night.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
