Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

Today was another hard day. Very little contact from H--I'm very suspicious he is staying with OW this week...nothing new, but more hurtful given what felt like a positive conversation about counseling on Sunday night. Definitely good advice not to get too excited by baby steps!

I nearly lost it today with H over text messages--mostly just that he won't respond, we have a ton going on before Christmas, and of course, I'm imagining him just having fun with OW.

But, I called a couple friends and vented to them. I also stopped by the office of my "fling" from the other week and talked to him about H. He invited me to go to lunch which was just a nice, coworker lunch. He's a good distraction for me.

My parents are here helping me with the kids for a couple days which has been HUGE. However, they don't know about my sitch so I find myself having a hard time being comfortable and open around them. I especially don't want to tell them anything now right before Christmas.

D8 and D10 went shopping with me for awhile tonight. I asked if they wanted to buy H a gift. All they want to give him is a wedding band. H lost his a few years ago and we never got it replaced. It actually really bothers me that he hasn't had to take a ring off while he's been with OW. But, I think buying him a wedding band would probably be a bit much at this point. If we were closer to starting to reconcile, I would consider it.

I don't think I'd even tell H about it, but our girls might. They have a knack for helping to layer on guilt (although not sure H even notices most of the time)

I can't decide if I want the holidays to be over or not...I've set getting through them as a goal and I've realized I am close to either starting counseling with H (which will be painful) or separating from H (which will be painful). I'm pretty sure both will be worse than pretending to be married through Christmas and having H at home.

:-(