When I came here I was broken and fragile. I could barely think. I was devastated....heart broken!
H had ended his A and ow had been moved and gone for 2 months. He wanted his M. Still, H was vacant at times, still in the alien brain fog, s l o w l y coming out of it. I had to give him space and allow him to grieve. Seems unfair, doesn't it? Did to me and still does from time to time. I don't dwell on it as much anymore.
At times I think about it all and it seems more of a memory without all the pain. Then there are those times when it all ambushes me. I'm better at managing those tiems within myself. I don't tell him much anymore when I'm sad. Sometimes he notices and checks in. That is helpful. As my dad would have said, "Damn decent of him!"
At this point I am looking at the changes I've made and the changes I'd like to see in him. Sometimes I wonder why I love this man so much. He has been pretty awful. I can see how he drove me away to cause him to feel abandoned. I can see how my history kept him at arm's length and caused him to feel neglected. We're working on it. I have no choice but to fully commit. THAT is scary, but my intention is to do it.
Words of wisdom? Seems when I have them I get knocked again by something. I'm not backing down easily anymore. I'm going to be focusing on a healthy, well-balanced, compassionate M with my H. I can only hope he does the same!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
MZ, I share your pain. It has been a loooong year. I think of it and still feel the anger, the sadness, the resentment at times, but then I also think of all the opportunities for change that this situation presnted to me and give a prayer of thanks. Our family has made it intact through this year.
I do see that it is true that the fate of the M depends so much on us, the LBS. It is but human nature that we feel the unfairness of it all, that we have to go through not only the part where the WAS wants to leave or has left, but we also have t deal with their ambivalence afterwards, the fog that has not left completely, their grieving the OW, which I believe is subconscious most of the time, and the never ending pain of the memories.
But whatever it is, it must be worth it or we won't be still here.
hey, I hope you will have a good Christmas celebration with your H!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Check out imLIN in MLC. The post dated 9-19-08 is particularly helpful. Those first few topics are good!
Funny thing happened tonight. I was home getting some last minute things done before this busy weekend (I have it off....YAY!)and all of a sudden the e-mail goes off, then the texts come in, a call from my H, a call from my sister about something important. I'm multi-tasking like crazy!!! It seems seconds go by and I'm finishing up on computer an H walks in the door. I had not gotten up to turn on the lights for him. Picture it: MZ sitting in an office off the living room with just the glow of the computer, the rest of the house pitch black. I could hear H fumbling to get in the door. A childhood friend (very needy) on my cell phone with me. H is hurt because there are no lights, hurt because I didn't hangup on and disconnect everyone else from my life while he had me on the phone. Ahhhh....I remember how that all felt when he did that to me. I will gently point it out to him later.....or maybe not. .wink.
All home except S#2. Go out to dinner....it's been a long day so far.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Anyone else feeling down, blue....depressed? I have been battling it like crazy this week. ADs don't work, haven't found the "right" IC yet....TIRED of pretending everything is back to "normal" around my friends so that THEY can feel better around me. TIRED of watching everyone interact with my H like he did nothing wrong. TIRED of those people warning the LBS to not be embittered, to GAL....I have a life damn it! It's not the sex so much as it is the behavioral betrayal of my H, his wack-job paramour framing me for a crime and his not defending me against her, but saying to her that I was wacked to have done that when he KNEW...he KNEW she did it! His raunchy dark side going up to her at work and saying to her, "I want to F you!" Who is that?!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I desperately need someone to talk to. I tried counseling/our MC moved away. I was getting the sense that she wanted me to "just get better" and to move on. I know that is what will be good, but WOW....when someone is not there yet, it's almost harmful to not be patient with them.
A bit of a backslide for MZ.
H is very loving and cuddly towards me. I have not let on at all that I'm feeling this bad. At least not yet, not this week with all the kids around. He thinks I'm just tired and don't feel well.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Oh MZ, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I know exactly where you're coming from though. I too go to that "dark place" and I feel like I can't breathe. All of the things that I know about them, that I wish I didn't know sometimes just flood in like a tidal wave, and we are just hit so hard with it unexpectedly.
Try to put up those stop signs, I know it's so hard, and I hate when I'm told that, but don't let it get the best of you.
For what it's worth though that's why we're here, so lay it on my sister...vent to me and get it all out. I am and always will be here for you.
Maybe you should tell him how you feel. Let him be there for you to help you through it. I know that's what I do when I just can't take it anymore. As much as I hate him at the time that I'm going thru the dark place, once I've told him where my head and heart are, if he tries to make it better by holding me, showing me remorse or just telling me he loves me, I start to feel so much better.
I once told him that when I'm not doing so good and start pushing him away, that's when I need him to hold on tighter, to show me that my decision to work this out with him wasn't for nothing. Just hold on tighter...
<<<<HUGS>>>>> MZ...
I'm thinking of you!!
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
And BTW...I hope you had a wonderful blessed Christmas...can't wait to hear from you!!
Always... FB
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
