The support around me has really helped. Talking to my brother and sister who are very grounded, having friends who speak frankly, my surrogate mother who happens to be my cleaning lady who's seen me in good times and bad create a strong support system.
Trying new things is great, too. I've been in four plays in the past 15 months. The director praised me on my performances, that I'm quickly becoming one of their most important character actors. Smaller roles that add the spice and comedy to the show.
On top of that is having found an exceptional counselor. Being willing to trust what she suggests... like not doing things that emotionally hurt me. Learning healthy boundaries rather than feeling like I should fall on the sword. Asking myself crucial questions when I find I can't sleep or get lost in things... what is the trigger? Am I acting out? Is this me and/or past behaviors rearing their head?
Last night I was exhausted but I stayed up late futzing around. When I finally went to bed, I kept distracting myself. Why? I couldn't figure it out but after I asked myself that question I fell asleep. Today while recounting my experience did I realize what it was. My ex had sent me some paperwork with his new address in the corner. I looked it up on zillow. Lo and behold they'd bought a $700,0000 home in a beach community ten minutes away from his job. I wailed.. I had ALWAYS wanted to live by the water.. but she got that! And he spent bucks deluxe, no doubt from the inheritance from his smaller portion of his father's estate. Then again,I would have been resistant about moving from where the kids were secure. My own anxieties would have gotten in the way of my dreams.
I realized I am in a better place than I was with him, with someone so wound up and unwilling to confront emotional issues that our home was full of unspoken tension. Yes.. I wish we could have shared the wellspring of love, the basis of our relationship before it warped over the years. And perhaps it was a commitment to our children that kept him there for as long as it did. But it's over. I just have to remind myself of that when I stumble over hurdles my subconscious places in front of me.
I am very proud of my children. They really started pushing to meet his new baby.. specifically their little brother, who they want in their lives, who is precious to them. They finally met him 11 months after his birth. Now their dad invited them to come over on New Year's Day for a get together with his wife and her relatives. As I told my son, babies change everything.. that defensiveness softens with sharing their love. That that little boy is a bridge, that he is inexorability their family.
This is a long winded way of saying that the growth comes over time, but it happens a whole lot faster (at least for me) if I use every tool available. And moving out of expensive house to my cosmetic fixer upper in dire need of updating (like the 27 appliances, including the furnace that was leaking carbon dioxide) put the focus on what I needed to do to create a home, a new life.
And when I finally get a fricking job, things will improve all the more. And when I finally haul his patookie to court to resolve outstanding monetary issues.. yep that will be one of the biggest steps. Uh huh.
Keep moving forward. Deal with what you can. And carry the a day at time... a piece of baggage or two rather than the whole kit and kaboodle.
Ahh.. it's late once again. Tis beddy bye time for moi.
Peace, love and animal crackers.. and of course the *hugs*
PS.. Hi, fig!!! What a journey it's been. Time for a job for me, then some MAN time! A novel thought. *hugs*
