WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[LITB]

I agree with 2pt and Rick about not saying goodbye and I thought that before reading their post.

Does not saying goodbye get you closer or further away from your goal? I don't think it gets you closer. You lower yourself to her level. Be the bigger person WHG.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling from yesterday... pretty quiet day. I did send my W a text mid-day to let her know I had paid a bill that she had asked me to. That's been our agreement since the bomb, that when one asks the other we let them know when we complete the task. That drove a few more texts from her, but I ended the convo.

Had a board meeting last night that went late. Got home shortly after my W did. I walk in and my W is at the dining room table talking with my mom (my mom was over watching the kids). They are both nurses and thus have nursing conversations frequently. W was recounting her day where she and her team saved a man's life when he was having a heart attack.

After my mom left W kept talking. I listened as it was about work, but finally had to end it so I could go to bed. Spent about 15 minutes talking which included finalizing plans for gifts for the kids.

I did tell her I was going to bed and to sleep good, attempting to avoid the petulant route and got a "yep" in reply. Ok.

This morning W was moody and tired. I helped get the kids ready for school and left. I did say good bye this morning.

[workinghardguy]

Today's journal... ended up being a strange night. Strange at least in how I reacted to and feel about things. Day was quiet overall. Forced myself to go over to the company holiday luncheon... didn't really feel like it, but I need to be around others and as an executive I needed to be there as well.

W texted me about a half hour before I usually leave asking if I'd be home normal time... she wanted to grab a nap after dinner. I let it sit for a while then told her I was planning normal time. However, my 3pm meeting never showed and then did show at 4:15 just as I was leaving. In the past I would've cancelled the meeting and hurried home, fearful of angering my W. But I really needed to meet with this person, so I texted W and told her my 3pm just showed up and I'd be home when I could. As in the past she was fine with it... I am amazed at how many times in the past I must have gotten myself all worked up and then resentful of her for no good reason.

I got home and played with the kids. Went and asked my W how the SS's IC appointment went (today was his first session). W filled me in and then said we had something to discuss. Oh great. She starts telling me all the tips the IC gave her about breaking the news to the kids. Of course none of the were new... do it together, keep it short, no gritty details, let them ask questions, tell them it's not about them, let them know it's us divorcing but we're not divorcing them... and so on. Of course these are all things I had told her previously, but I guess now that someone else has validated them she agrees. Ok. At least we agree. She even said that the IC thought my idea of telling SS and SD separate from telling our S was a great idea. Well no duh... completely different messages and developmental levels. But W had been resisting this idea for some time now... now she agrees. Guess that's a blessing.

Then she gave me a sort of off-handed compliment I think... she starts in about how the C said the important part is to respect your ex-spouse, communicate, share decision making, and get along with your ex. My W goes on to say that she told the C that we are probably one of the best couples for that. That we communicate really well, like each other, respect each other, and that we get along great. That she has no concerns about how we're going to get along regarding the kids. Really? Well, I'd be damned if your actions tell me that, but ok.

I also became more relieved that it appears she is settling into the role I had proposed with SS and SD. We briefly discussed how the message to S and to SS and SD will be different (the whole "I'm always your dad" doesn't really work with your step kids). But we talked about how much I care about them, love them, and want to be there for them. And that I will continue to be an active part of their life (oddly enough, probably seeing them more than their real dad does).

So all of that was interesting and whatnot. But the strange part for me was how I felt. I didn't cry or get emotional once during the convo. After all, nothing new right? I even found myself at the start wondering if she was heading down a road where the IC said we shouldn't split. I found myself panicking a little... what if she says we need to work this out still together? I'm not ready for that... I don't have that play in my playbook. I almost felt let down at the idea of her not leaving. I know that may sound weird, but it is what it is.

We put the kids to bed and shared some laughs... S is hilarious and tonight he couldn't pronounce New York. We shared that at least. She went to meet some friends and I finished wrapping Christmas presents.

I do have this board and everyone to thank for where I am at. I'm certainly not whole or great, but I know that two months ago that kitchen conversation would've ended with me crying, walking out, and probably pleading with her at some point. And I also know that just a month ago I thought about wrapping Christmas presents and dreaded it. It would be the last time I would wrap presents for our family perhaps.

But I now realize next year I'll wrap presents too. I'll wrap them for my S and for SS and SD. I may even wrap one for my W or XW as the case may be. And in fact I may be on my own and able to buy whatever I want for the kids... it won't be the same, no. It will be different, and maybe sadder maybe not. But it will still be Christmas and I can still share my love with those I love. Divorce or distance be damned, no one can stop you from sharing your love. They can choose to receive it or not, but you can always share it.

[2thepoint]

"she starts in about how the C said the important part is to respect your ex-spouse, communicate, share decision making, and get along with your ex. My W goes on to say that she told the C that we are probably one of the best couples for that. That we communicate really well, like each other, respect each other, and that we get along great. That she has no concerns about how we're going to get along regarding the kids."

...and of course the missing piece in this is when your W's C tells her that if you guys get along so well and have this great relationship, then why the divorce?

Geesh! The WAS... you just goota love them!!

[workinghardguy]

I know, right 2TP? Granted, it was my SS's C she was talking to, but still... I can only imagine my W describing us to her divorced friends, and I can't think of a one who isn't at war with their XH, and them thinking WTF? You left that? Ok then...

Noticed this morning that W has taken down the large portrait photo of her and I kissing at the gazebo on our wedding day. Had a short cry when I noticed that. House was empty as W and kids had just left for school. She must have done it the week I was gone, and somewhat wondering if she didn't do it the day she changed her FB status to "separated". She has mentioned several times that having that photo up really bothered her and made her cry/feel bad.

And in some ways... while it broke my heart (though only a little... how much more broken can it get after all) to see it down I also took some solace in it. It only came down because it caused her pain. And the opposite of love is not hate or pain, it's apathy. If she truly didn't care anymore then it wouldn't matter if it was up or not. It's like the week I was gone she had to take the extra-large steps (FB status, the photo, crushing on a guy) to prove to herself that she has left and isn't looking back.

Life goes on, and what will be will be and it is what it is.

[labug]

Good insight and I don't think that's mindreading. It would seem that she doesn't want to look any deeper into those feelings for fear of what she might find. It's so much easier to blame it on the other person and keep moving on, I've heard it called the geographic cure. She's not happy and has decided that another relationship will make her happy...but no matter where you go, there you are.

[2thepoint]

"...but no matter where you go, there you are"

There's a quote ^^^^ worth remembering!

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... I expect I won't see my W again tonight as she's at her BFF's house for drinks and I'm pretty tired so hoping to turn in early.

A good day... a day of some solid realizations. This morning was good... W and I getting along. S had a pajama party today so we let him open a present early since it was pajamas. However, since it was different it threw off the morning routine a bit (as did my W not waking up until 6:45 since she was out until 1:30 in the morning drinking). She was grumpy but not with me which was nice. The morning being off meant some texts and calls back and forth as S forgot stuff and I noticed it and so on.

Work was very quiet since most everyone was off. Got a lot ton and had too much time to think. Got down a few times but accomplished quite a bit today. Have to start accomplishing more... if I'm honest I have to admit I've largely been mailing it in the past few months. While I pride myself on getting more done in a week than my colleagues get done in a month, eventually this will catch up with me if I don't right the ship.

Left work early to finish some errands and do some shopping, but shopping for me. I had a gift card from my birthday and a gift card from work to a department store and went and got some new clothes. I'm not a fashion guy and so I missed having my W's input. But it was nice to buy pants that actually fit (and that are 6" smaller than my current pants) Got a few decent outfits. And only spent $40 of my own money

Afterward did some more errands and shopping. Ended up missing my W's text which was good; it meant it sat for 45 minutes before being answered. It wasn't a priority anyway. Got home and took son shopping to use the gift card his grandpa gave him. Picked up dinner on the way home and W and I ate dinner.

After dinner we ended up talking about things. Turns out she used her day off to look at some rental houses. I didn't freak, cry, or get emotional. Just listened a little. She is starting to get stressed. Things aren't falling into their neat little places. Man how I wanted to fix that for her... I found myself ready to offer another $200/month in alimony so she could afford a house she wants and then stopped myself... which I'll mention later as I discuss my IC appointment. Then she was talking about being scared to file for more child support from her XH. SS's C told her that it would be best if her and XH could work out something without court involvement, but there is no chance of that. I validated and supported her. The only time I became a little emotional is when she talked about almost having to get a restraining order against XH the last time she filed for child support. How XH was vicious and threatening. Then she said that she "knows" there have probably been a few times that I have wanted to hurt her or "kill her" since our sitch started, but that she's never actually felt threatened or in danger from me. And that's where my emotion came through... I stopped her and said that no, there has never been a time where I've wanted to hurt her, how could she think that? That yes, I have been hurt and angry at times but that it's entirely possible to be angry with someone and not have physical violence ever be contemplated. I would never, ever abuse or hurt my W and never have even gotten close in all our time together. She apologized and agreed... Still not sure where that came from. Anyway, shortly after that I told her that I was about at my limit for D talk in a given day and that if she wanted to talk more it would have to happen tomorrow or Saturday. She said that we still need to sit down and go over financial info and stuff, and I told her, as I have previously, I'm here and when you want to talk just tell me.

So the other highlight of the day was my IC appointment. It was a good appointment. My C really helped me see my "fixer" ways and how they play out. I was recounting the story from two weeks ago of how my W was frustrated with the D process and not knowing what to do about debts, assets, the house, custody. That I then grew frustrated and spent the next day generating proposals that addressed these areas, expecting a back and forth, but getting nothing.

He helped me see how I constantly try to parent my W. That she has been able to live, essentially, a teenage life for the past 8 years. How I have taken care of almost everything for her and let her live free. Want nice things? I'll buy them or finance them. Want a house right now? Ok, I'll figure out how to set up the financing package so we don't need to save to buy. Want to go to college? Ok. I'll take care of it so you get what you want at my expense. And I did it again with the divorce stuff. She was frustrated and complaining about how hard it is, so what did I do? I fixed it for her and played the nice dad who makes it all better.

Even tonight as we discussed rental houses. I found myself almost telling her I would give her more money so she could afford the house she wants. In essence I would "up her allowance" so she could have a better "crib". WTF is wrong with me? I'm so damn pathetic when it comes to fixing people.

But there were two bright sides... first, my C feels, and I agree, that my moment of indecision last night (about wondering how I would feel if she said she wants to stay together) was a momentous event. That it says I'm not where I was 30 days ago. 30 days ago I would've given anything to get back together. Now... well, no, not if things will be the way they are now or they way they were. Second, I am starting to realize what I really want in a partner and a relationship. I don't know that I've known what I wanted before this... thus I could never ask my W for it. Actually what I wanted to do was caretake because that's what I grew up knowing meant marital love. One spouse taking almost complete care of the other. But that's not healthy marital love...

I want a partner who will be honest with me, who is kind, loving, willing to experiment, willing to set goals and sacrifice to reach them, who accepts and gives intimacy (hugs, kisses, etc...), and who trusts me and herself. And I don't think I want my W back until she can be those things.

Unfortunately that's what has me sad today... because I know that my W can't be those things, at least not any time soon. Not until she works on herself and I don't believe that will happen until reality punches her in the face. And that means splitting up, either on her timeline or mine, is really the only future for us. I wish I could see another way, but I can't right now. Unless she were to pull back from her plans and ask to stay together, and then be willing to accept a new framework for our R that involves both of us becoming different than we are now.

I know we're supposed to keep the road home "paved and smooth." And I am doing that... but if we were to get to that point I'm not sure how smooth it would really be. I believe I could accept continuing the R but eventually we would have to address these issues. We would need to have a different R and work on being better/healthier people. My fear is that I am already doing that, and frankly, I don't think I have as far to go towards health as she does. I just don't know if she has it in her to do it, but I would be willing to give her the time and space. Whether that time and space happens together or apart is pretty much in her court at this point. I can really go either way right now.

[labug]

I think we are in very similar places in our journeys. I just keep thinking I have to put one foot in front of the other on MY path and what happens, happens. I know I will be OK.

6 months ago I couldn't say that because I wanted so much to hold on to what had been. Now I know that the relationship wasn't healthy and neither of us was happy. This is such a process and I'm so happy for those who are able to make positive changes in the midst of having a pile of sh!t dumped on you. But, I guess it's the fertilizer we needed to grow. : )

Have a great day!

[adinva]

WHG look at it this way - with what you've learned and worked on you will be able to guide her to a better R with you. You have more clarity about what you need and can ask her for that, and can accept that she has a right not to do that, and you go from there. You won't likely accept a bad relationship in your future.