WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Today's journal... ended up being a strange night. Strange at least in how I reacted to and feel about things. Day was quiet overall. Forced myself to go over to the company holiday luncheon... didn't really feel like it, but I need to be around others and as an executive I needed to be there as well.

W texted me about a half hour before I usually leave asking if I'd be home normal time... she wanted to grab a nap after dinner. I let it sit for a while then told her I was planning normal time. However, my 3pm meeting never showed and then did show at 4:15 just as I was leaving. In the past I would've cancelled the meeting and hurried home, fearful of angering my W. But I really needed to meet with this person, so I texted W and told her my 3pm just showed up and I'd be home when I could. As in the past she was fine with it... I am amazed at how many times in the past I must have gotten myself all worked up and then resentful of her for no good reason.

I got home and played with the kids. Went and asked my W how the SS's IC appointment went (today was his first session). W filled me in and then said we had something to discuss. Oh great. She starts telling me all the tips the IC gave her about breaking the news to the kids. Of course none of the were new... do it together, keep it short, no gritty details, let them ask questions, tell them it's not about them, let them know it's us divorcing but we're not divorcing them... and so on. Of course these are all things I had told her previously, but I guess now that someone else has validated them she agrees. Ok. At least we agree. She even said that the IC thought my idea of telling SS and SD separate from telling our S was a great idea. Well no duh... completely different messages and developmental levels. But W had been resisting this idea for some time now... now she agrees. Guess that's a blessing.

Then she gave me a sort of off-handed compliment I think... she starts in about how the C said the important part is to respect your ex-spouse, communicate, share decision making, and get along with your ex. My W goes on to say that she told the C that we are probably one of the best couples for that. That we communicate really well, like each other, respect each other, and that we get along great. That she has no concerns about how we're going to get along regarding the kids. Really? Well, I'd be damned if your actions tell me that, but ok.

I also became more relieved that it appears she is settling into the role I had proposed with SS and SD. We briefly discussed how the message to S and to SS and SD will be different (the whole "I'm always your dad" doesn't really work with your step kids). But we talked about how much I care about them, love them, and want to be there for them. And that I will continue to be an active part of their life (oddly enough, probably seeing them more than their real dad does).

So all of that was interesting and whatnot. But the strange part for me was how I felt. I didn't cry or get emotional once during the convo. After all, nothing new right? I even found myself at the start wondering if she was heading down a road where the IC said we shouldn't split. I found myself panicking a little... what if she says we need to work this out still together? I'm not ready for that... I don't have that play in my playbook. I almost felt let down at the idea of her not leaving. I know that may sound weird, but it is what it is.

We put the kids to bed and shared some laughs... S is hilarious and tonight he couldn't pronounce New York. We shared that at least. She went to meet some friends and I finished wrapping Christmas presents.

I do have this board and everyone to thank for where I am at. I'm certainly not whole or great, but I know that two months ago that kitchen conversation would've ended with me crying, walking out, and probably pleading with her at some point. And I also know that just a month ago I thought about wrapping Christmas presents and dreaded it. It would be the last time I would wrap presents for our family perhaps.

But I now realize next year I'll wrap presents too. I'll wrap them for my S and for SS and SD. I may even wrap one for my W or XW as the case may be. And in fact I may be on my own and able to buy whatever I want for the kids... it won't be the same, no. It will be different, and maybe sadder maybe not. But it will still be Christmas and I can still share my love with those I love. Divorce or distance be damned, no one can stop you from sharing your love. They can choose to receive it or not, but you can always share it.