Hi Shaky, welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially!
What did you and your W used to do when you first fell in love, when you were having fun -- together?
What are your common grounds, the things that you both like?
When you have your 'own things' what are they?
You have so much hope...and your key is to REALLY LISTENING and RESPONDING to her.
"On bomb day she said I take her for granted, am controlling and at this point she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but is not happy and hasn't been happy for a few years."
Ask her, get her to open up and DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. Get to the root of what makes her happy. The truth is, it isn't all your fault, but that position will not help you win. Let her get it out. It will be so worth it in the long run.
Besides DR, the other books recommended on this site deal with communication and building commonalities (love languages, learning each others needs) versus trying to get you to be 'more macho' and 'setting boundaries'. Both of those things can be good, but they are not your first line of defense and do not speak to the things you have just talked about.
So if WORDS OF AFFIRMATION are important to her, probably affection is as well. Compliments, and the way you give them, are important.
So, tell me some of the compliments you give to her. Say them EXACTLY as you say them to her.
