Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Venting...

So W is on a business trip. She left yesterday afternoon and is back after midnight tonight. We had a nice phone conversation while she was on her way to the airport. Normally she calls me when she arrives, but she told me she wouldn't be able to this time. I told her "no problem, just drop me an e-mail or a text". She said she would.

Woke up this morning and looked for email/text -- nothing. Checked e-mail periodically throughout the day -- nothing.
She must be in the air by now, so I guess that's not coming.

Really? You told me you'd send me a text and you can't say "I'm here" or something?

So frustrating.

I keep setting myself up to be disappointed because I feel like the things I ask for are so small, so insignificant, that they will take no time at all.

In the past when this kind of thing happened I would proactively text or e-mail and just say "hi" and not mention that she never came through, but I realize that would make her feel worse because it would point out that she didn't deliver, and would imply that a response might be nice, and she'd then worry that her response wouldn't be adequate.

Tough place to be.

I feel like I lived with no expectations before the bomb -- I assumed that what W was contributing was all she was willing or able to contribute, so I did my own thing to meet whatever needs I had. Because I was getting nothing, I really wasn't motivated to invest much either -- I withdrew and we lived in a "partnership" with occasional passionless sex.

That lack of connection made W so resentful that she went out and had an affair.

Ok, so here we are, I'm back to the table, I'm investing like crazy, and when I'm doing that *it's almost impossible to live with no expectations*. If I'm going to participate, let's participate together!

I don't think I "deserve" her participation, and I don't think I've "earned" it, that's not how I look at it. I don't feel I'm owed. I would *like* her to participate, it would fill a need I have to be involved in an intimate relationship.

Intimacy for one is no fun.

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