I know you are hurting and like ALL of us at some point, you wonder about throwing in the towel.
All I can ask is that you not throw it in, when you feel THIS WAY...
if you are going to quit, do it on a day when you are in control of your emotions and thoughts and choose to. Not as a reaction.
Second, your w has a serious emotional history not of her making. She is finally addressing so much...
She was a victim of abuse for years, and you married her knowing all this. THat makes me wonder if you chose her b/c she was both beautiful and needed rescuing and you felt "owed" so that she would not leave you.
Now you are enraged and hurt by her choice to change the "contract" you thought existed but never discussed.
Putting people in that type of position seems to lead to "acting out" later on...but you were a participant in that.
Maybe when you both go to therapy together (if that happens, which I hope)
you can share your sense of responsibility for that and show her that YOU and the marriage can change and improve.
That is what you want, right? DBing is NOT about saving marriages. It's about saving YOURSELF
and often that leads to "character flaw repair", but it always leads to CHANGE
and sometimes, to restored marriages.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Jesus WHG you really hit the nail on the head - I don't know if anyone could have said it better.
This post has helped me SO!!!!! MUCH!!!!!
It's true that my emotions (and in an earlier stage my actions) range through all of the responses you so neatly outlined.
WHG quote - "And that's the most I can offer... the true show of character is not in the outcome, but how you conduct yourself in getting there"
You know this quote of yours brought me to tears (I used to be a tough guy before the bomb dropped). My hats off to you. I will be sharing this quote with my sons!
_______________________________________________________ me - 53, her - 45, married - 24 yrs live together, separate rooms 3 sons - 24,21,13 bombed - March 2011
Purgatory - I've heard the "there's no chance for us" line too and yet somehow we are still together where I really thought it couldn't happen. Haven't R but the words of WHG gave me a burst of strength I really needed.
Rick 89, I can't imagine exactly what you are going through. I am lucky as of right now I don't have OM to deal with, I get to see and talk to my W often because of our S4, I found this sight a week after W left me and was able to get an early start on things. I DO know that DBing is working for me. I KNOW I am already a better person and father than I was 2 months ago. Even through the heartache I haven't felt this good about myself in a really long time. Stress is way down, I feel healthy, and in our short time together I am communicating better now with my W than I did in the last 2 years. I may only get 20 minutes a day, but I can see that she sees a change in me. My friends, my coworkers and family notice changes in me. Like others have said: Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in. Its a marathon not a sprint! (If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.) DBing isn't for everyone, heck M isn't for everyone either, its something you have to decide to yourself. In the end, our Ws may not come back, will it hurt, yes probably, but not as bad as it hurt when she first left because I know I am better and I did everything I could to make things work, and I know my next relationship WILL succeed.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Mach1 - you are one hell of a guy. Thank you for this wisdom!
You asked what is my one thing for today. I think it may be that I may be finally putting up the white flag, putting my gun down. I will probably need to continually reinforce this, in other words I can see how in certain emotional extremes I may be tempted to pick the gun up, but I do realize that's my nature. My fight response has always been strong in me. Time to evolve here.
Your point about how things we say like "I've changed" being really about what WE want is so accurate. I just did that yesterday morning! I didn't see that in this light then but do now... have to keep this in the forefront of my mind.
CO1978 - I am so glad for you in how DB'ing has improved your life, and your life with your son and how you communicate with your W. This gives me hope. Thank you.
Your point about this being a marathon and not a sprint is something I really need to remember. Thank you.
I never thought about what you said in that if M doesn't work it can't hurt as much as when W first dropped bomb. Yeah, I can't imagine it would hurt as much.
Thank you and best to you and yours!
_____________________________________________________ me - 53, her - 45, married - 24 yrs live together but separate rooms sons - 24,21,13 bombing commenced - March 2011
"Don't the responses you get from people in this blog make you realize how good mankind really is!"
Absolutely! We don't have to suffer this alone and there are people who are willing to provide us guidance all along our journey, whereever it may lead.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
