Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[Crimson]

Earlier on in my DB "journey", I set these 4 short term goals (thank you Sandi2). I think I have met all four, and now don't know where to go from here. Do I build on these four somehow or do I create totally new ones? Should the new ones be a bit more "lofty"?



1.) Have exchanges periodically with her via text that are not negative

I have managed to do this. Mostly because they all relate to our son, but that they have been positive - and not many (if any) negatives.

2.) Have her notice ANY difference in me at all

She has commented directly to me about not being on my BlackBerry, and texted regarding me doing more reading and less TV and getting out and hiking with son, etc. - not too bad. Of course, this means nothing per se - but at least she has noticed a few small things.

3.) Exercise enough discipline to limit conversations (text, mostly)

After she said she wanted to limit convos to the baby or our pending D this became easy. Check this one off the list.

4.) Get out and LIVE and see if she notices

See #2 above. I HAVE been getting out more and recently joined meetup.com to search for interesting stuff to do in my area (if you are struggling with GAL, give it a try - pretty cool). Doubtful if she had noticed too much, but that is quite alright.

I should be happy that I met these simple little goals - and I suppose I am. I think I would feel better if I felt they had an impact in improving my situation to some degree- but who knows? Maybe they have.

[CO1978]

Nice job so far on goals. I would continue to build off the first goals you have, and add 1 or 2 more.

[NLW]

Hi Crimson,

In my situation, I first thought to give nothing at all.

But then I thought of the thoughtful gift that my H gave me recently (early Nov, 3 months into 'separation') for my birthday (a book that I'd like, a framed pic of our kids, and some expensive chocolates, together with a nice card).

So... I thought I'd give him the 'novelty' gift that I've included in our presents every year since the first Xmas I met him. We'd only been together for about 2 weeks, and I wasn't really celebrating Xmas (being that I had been on my own), so I bought him some chocolate frogs (a local chocolatier specialty).

I'll just put those under the tree so he gets something if and when he turns up on Xmas morning.

I'm doing this because I still think, that at some level, he is connected to us and would want to come back if only he could face the mess that he's made. Could be kidding myself, I know...

But, I'm trying to show that it's OK to come back if he wants, and I figure that no present at all would signal that we don't care about him and don't want him in our celebrations.

Now I've almost talked myself into getting him something more significant!!!

Oh dear!

best wishes,
NLW

[adinva]

Too bad you won't be with S before Christmas to make something cute! Instead, at the photo shop at the mall, and sometimes at Walgreens, there are these little snow globes that you can slide a photo into, and if you have a photo of S, that would be a really low-key gift that she'd probably like.

[Crimson]

EEK....I just got lobbed a make or break moment via e-mail. Not sure how to handle.

W: "Christmas- I would like to keep Christmas eve and Christmas morning with S. It is important that I too establish holiday routines even though your family has their own. I am excited about creating new ones"(she always said this when we were together, by the way).

Me: "I understand. And I have no problem parting with how mom and dad like to do things at all – I know historically I have not been very flexible in that regard but it is something I have outgrown. I understand your frustration with it.

Would this be fair? I take him during the day on Christmas Eve you pick him up around 7:00-7:30 and then bring him back around 1-2 on Christmas Day? That way my family and friends can socialize with him a bit and he can still have time with you on Christmas Eve as well?"

W: "Since 7 pm is his bedtime, that won’t work. He usually is exhausted by 7 pm. I think your family traditions are great, but it is important I create new ones for Corbi and I. I am glad you are involving family and friends. If you are ever including someone you are dating, I think that would be info. Either of us should know, as it has a big impact on our son. Just a request I am putting out there.

I am glad to hear of your transformations. I wish I could’ve been instrumental in supporting them along the way, It is interesting to see that once I was gone, you were able to make changes. Whatever the case, I’m glad to hear about them."

Whoa - what do I do with this?!?! And where the heck did the "dating" remark come from - is she "fishing"?!? And what is she bringing up transformations for?? Was the "once I was gone you could make changes" remark a dig?!?

Not sure how to respond. Was gonna say:

"I am not dating anyone – just been very focused on me and S these days. Let’s try to think of something that would work for both of us. I would like to have part of Christmas Eve or part of Christmas morning if possible. I have no problems moving beyond how things worked in the past – so I am not tied to what has typically gone down by any means. In fact, I am open to “new” these days.

Regarding transformations, even though you haven’t been around to support them along these last few months, you’ve been very influential – so I thank you for that. I’m trying to be a better human being and a better father."

Does that work? Is there a better way to handle this in a BD fashion?? What does the subtext of her message mean? Is she actually noticing?

I haven't replied to her last message yet. Need to think that one through....too important to just "wing it"

Crimson

[2thepoint]

Yes, she is fishing. I think it is best to ignore her little jabs and fishing expeditions. Don't respond to anything other than the logistics.

[CO1978]

I wouldn't even bring up you aren't dating anyone (try to leave some mystery :P ). So I would go with just:
Let’s try to think of something that would work for both of us. I would like to have part of Christmas Eve or part of Christmas morning if possible. I have no problems moving beyond how things worked in the past – so I am not tied to what has typically gone down by any means. In fact, I am open to “new” these days.
I also wouldn't say anything about the "transformations" she notices them and I think thats good enough for now, and you don't want to make it seem the changes are only for her.

[labug]

Ignore everything but the logistics of Christmas Eve and Day. She's yanking your chain.

[~ kd ~]

I have heard it said (I think on this board) that babies, young toddlers, aren't yet able to understand the concept of gift giving, so pre 3 or 4, so there may be no value in doing this with your son, at his age...

When the kids are older and able to understand the value of giving, then the "hand made" gifts are great. It's very personal and obviously from the child.

But... that being said, I don't know if I've ever seen a "gift" from a young child backfire as being pursuing by the LBS... unless it is something extravagant...

*shrug*

[CO1978]

I did get my W a Christmas gift. I had to get her something, regardless if she gets me anything, I couldn't bring myself not to. I got her a card that more or less says best wishes in whatever makes you happy, then I signed it "Thinking of you". (Card does not say love anywhere in it.) Enclosed in the card are 5 kindle book download codes (I am very good at picking out the right books for her). The card is attached to a Christmas bag (Bag has gift tag that says- To: Mommy From: S) that has S's Christmas drawing in it and some cozy socks (2 pair) and slippers (I am going to tell W the socks and slippers are from S). All together (Gift bag, socks, slippers, card, and books) it cost just under $50. I am hoping that is not too much.