Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Thanks Greenblue, hope it was a good use of your time!

I have mix feelings about your wife forcing herself to have sex with you. Mine was doing something similar, eventually she tired of it, and stopped it. Yours sounds to be heading that way.

I don't think she'll do that. She really took the SSM book to heart, and she really doesn't seem to mind doing it, it doesn't make her angry or upset in any way. The issue is really mine, it bothers me that she doesn't enjoy it and look forward to it. She doesn't hate it by any means, she's just very take it or leave it. It would be nice to feel wanted or desired once in a while, you know?

Instead focus on reducing all expectations of sex. You mentioned OM seemed a better choice because there were no expectations. I think you should steal this from his book.

I've tried that many times over the course of our marriage. That usually results in sex disappearing and me getting resentful. Honestly we're in a better place when she agrees to a given frequency but I let her decide when. MY issue is really the attitude she is bringing to it more than anything else.

My W believes that whenever I do something nice it's to get sex. She can't see the love involved in the action or in the sex. My goal is to break this belief through actions not words. To make her feel loved AND desired.

That's not my situation at all. I do not have "No More Mr. Nice Guy" stuff going on. I definitely don't "give to get" and my W doesn't regard me in that way. She *knows* I love her. It's not that she doesn't want me to validate her. The issue is that she's got a quick inadequacy trigger, and it's easy to fire that. Being critical of ANYTHING around her makes her feel badly about herself. I don't criticize her, and she is not insecure in my love for her.

Sex is not an overtly divisive issue in our marriage, we don't argue about it. The tensions are more subtle.

Mine believes I only validate for sex, could yours be feeling the same?

She does not. My W does not feel good about herself, and wants me to accept that rather than expecting her to work on it. Same thing with sex -- she doesn't have a drive for it and wants me to accept that. She's not interested in having good sex, she's not interested in having sex at all, but she will do it.

In response to Adinva's post, she doesn't seem to take any pleasure from satisfying me in that way (or any way). She doesn't do things to make me happy. It doesn't seem to do anything for her to please me. That's not to say that she's mean to me -- she's not. She's just low energy / low affection / low enthusiasm. In insight my IC contributed is that the *reason* she doesn't do things to please me is her fear that it will never be good enough, that she'll be judged and found to be lacking. Any form of thank you or praise (to her) is a reminder of all the things she didn't do or is not doing.

That's a tough spot for me to be in, it's very "no win" from my perspective.

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