Let me post something that helped me get through this early part.....
It is a great guide to start to detach, and certainly a guide to act " As If"
Just some things from several articles I had read...Some from here, some from elsewhere.....
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your spouse thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken , because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage. ....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
Rick, I know how you feel, and I have walked in those shoes of UN-certainty. It was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. Yet it became one of the best things to ever happen FOR me.....not TO me
IF you feel that DBing is a waste of time, then you merely defining yourself by your marriage. Yes, I know you want your marriage to succeed, every one of us wants/wanted that. However, your definition of success should never rely on what or how another person feels or thinks.
If you are ready to throw in the towel.....
Registered: 10/04/11 Posts: 125
That ^^^^ bothers me a little.....
That 24 years of your life, isn't worth your best shot at this.
When you really give in, and buy into what DBing can and will do for you, then you will realize that your best chance right now, is taking this time to work on yourself.
To become the BEST option out there, not to win her back, because YOU want to be all of that, and a slice of pie too....
Ask yourself the hard questions about what you can do FOR yourself, to allow yourself to make better decisions, and come from a place of understanding , instead of reacting to situations.
You DB for you...nobody else...
You 180 for you....nobody else..
You make your changes for you....nobody else...
One thing that bothers me when I read here...
That is when someone says that DB doesn't work, and they have wasted their time DBing.
The only thing that is truly wasted, is when the opportunity TO DB is not fully taken advantage of....
Time spent on one's self, is never a waste of time....
Today is not the day I quit. Tomorrow isn't either, although I will see what tomorrow brings.....
