Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL?

[Some Day]

Thanks, all. Sandi, if i didn't know any better I would suspect you were easedropping on my DB coaching session today. Many of he points you mentioned were reiterated by my coach.

He said I need to continue on my GALing path and stop taking his bait and resume my pursuit each time he casts a line. I need to enjoy life and stop waiting around for him.

He mentioned I need to end the snooping, for me. He said that the next time H mentions reconciliation I need to convey that it will be hard work to win me over and that the burden of proof is on him to show that he has ceased and will not continue to have contact with OW or other women.

I need to start believing that I am expensive and worth it and if H really wants me back, he will need to work hard for it. Overall, coach believes I'm on the right path and he sees that H has taken some positive baby steps. However, he says there is still a lot more that H will need to do and only he can do this. I can't continue to make is easy for him. He told me that it's ok to have hope, but I must be wise. Know in my heart that I'm worth it and don't lower my price. He needs to know and feel that winning me back will cost him.

[Some Day]

I've come to the conclusion (thanks everyone) that I need to DB harder. The moment I start distancing, my H starts texting asking if I'm ok. He also starts inviting me to do things. Once, I start saying no, i'm busy, he is sure to start asking questions (what am i doing, who did I go with, etc). How do I dettach and go dark/mysterious without being "mean" or him thinking i am angry at him? I've always been an open book with him and this will be a big departure. Just want to make sure I don't shoot myself in the foot here.

[Some Day]

Got a text message yesterday from H telling me he had passed the interview and will be moving on to the next round. I congratulated him and told him I was happy for him. I also sent him a Congtatulations e-card. I know, that is pursuing! I just did what came naturally instead of pausing and thinking about what I was doing.

Anyway, today I got an e-card thanking me for the card. The message read:
Thanks for the card and your support. That was awesome news. Maybe we can share another and more sessions of q&a's in preparation for my next round of interviews. It is my hope for that and more. Take care. Have loads of fun on your cruise!
Love,
Me

I know I should believe NOTHING of what he says. I am confused by this message. Is he manipulating me again? He is expressing some hope for continued interaction between us. He also signed it 'Love.' Mind you, I have not heard/seen the L word from him probably since March or April of this year. In fact, he told me several months ago he did not love me anymore. Out of the blue he is using this word.

I do not plan to respond to his e-card and just act cool. I will be leaving for the cruise on Friday. I will probably hear from him between now and then. Thoughts? I welcome all of your insights on this (good and bad). Thanks!

[Some Day]

Seems like I am posting for myself, right now. But that's ok. I know everyone is busy. But I really do hope to get everyone's thoughts on my most recent posts.

Shortly after I posted the above, H called me. I was pretty matter of fact and acted disinterested (as advised previously). After asking me how my day was going and getting a short answer and after an awkward silence he cleared his throat. I could tell he was holding back tears. He asked me if I wanted him to drive me to the port. I told him he didn't have to, I was planning to drive myself and leave the car in the parking garage. He said he wanted to. I thought about rejecting him, but then I felt bad and told him that I appreciated his offer and that if he wanted to, that would be great since it would save me money on parking. He agreed and we came up with the time he would stop by. I could tell he wanted to keep talking, but I ended the conversation telling him I neeeded to get back to work and that I would see him in a couple of days.

I feel really bad right now for what I have done. Have I taken this dettaching thing too far. Am I pushing him away just as he is starting to seek me out again? Please help. Thanks!

[workinghardguy]

Do what works. If distancing draws him closer then keep doing it. If it stops working then don't do it anymore. Rarely is there "one event" that will make or break anything. It wasn't one event that got things to where they are, it was a million tiny drops that became the torrential river.

Let him lead. If he wants to talk R, then talk R. On the drive to the cruise if brings it up then go there, but remain detached. No pleading or begging...

And he's all over the map, because he's all over the map. If you look through sitches you'll see the same narrative. Closer, farther, closer, big pullback, cold, distant, then chatty, then closer, then "love", then cold.... bah! Consistent behaviors are what you're looking for; not one day this then one day that.

[Crimson]

I feel really bad right now for what I have done. Have I taken this dettaching thing too far. Am I pushing him away just as he is starting to seek me out again? Please help. Thanks!

Heck no! You are playing this quite right - there is nothing to feel bad about. I mean, not to be petty - but let him worry about what YOU'RE doing for a change. To me, that's part of the point of detaching and GAL. It seems like he is not fully comfortable with the notion of you carrying on with your life -good. Let it give him a chance to think about HIS actions and the consequences of HIS decisions. You get on that boat and have the freaking time of your life! No ship-to-shore phone calls!

Crimson

[CO1978]

I think you are doing a great job, the more you pull back the more he draws in. I don't think you need to pull all the way out, but so far you seem to be doing the right thing. Let him continue to make first contact, and keep ending the contact on your terms. AND DON'T by any means get your hopes up too high. I don't think he is trying to manipulate you by using L word, it may have been a natural thing for him to type on the e-card. It is a good sign though. Keep up the great work and have a blast on your cruise (Oh yeah he is jealous of that too)!

[Some Day]

LOL Crimson! I will have the freaking time of my life and will not call him from the boat

WHG, thanks for the reminders. I will do my best to act normal, but dettached during the hour long drive. I'm thinking I should start thinkig of neutral topics to talk about. I hate those long awkward silences in the car!

[sandi2]

I feel really bad right now for what I have done. Have I taken this dettaching thing too far. Am I pushing him away just as he is starting to seek me out again?

No, it's just that this is a new behavior for you and you feel what most LBS's experience (pushing the WAS away). If your WAH wants you bad enough to straighten up his act, he'll find a way. Don't be afraid. He needs to start getting a picture of what life would be without you.

Continue to remind yourself that if WAH gets you back too easily.....you stand the risk of going through all of this again, and probably much sooner than you'd think.

[Some Day]

The cruise was great! I had a wonderful time, met lots of nice people and tried some new things like parasailing and jet skiing. At least for three days I forgot all about my sitch and focused on myself.

So while I was on the ship, H texted me regularly. He would ask about my day and wish me a good night. There was no cell reception onboard (you had to pay for that), so I didn't get all his messages until the night before we arrived.

H picked me up at the port and seemed happy to see me. We talked about my trip as well as some of the things he had done. We stopped for breakfast and then he took me home. He was quite affectionate, giving me lots of hugs.

I thanked him for pet and house sitting while I was away. When he was about to leave he gave me a long kiss. Despite my best efforts to remain cool, inside I melted. He wanted to ML, but I did not allow it to get too far. He seemed saddened or hurt by this (his expression changed, but i don't know what to make of it. I don't think he expected me to say no to ML). I truly wanted to ML with my husband. I took every ounce of my willpower not to.

Now i wonder if this was a mistake. Rationally I think that if he really wanted to win me back, getting rejected would not stop him from pursuing me. However, another part of me feels that he felt like I was not interested in him and he is now discouraged from pursuing. Ugh! I hate this! I second guess everything I say or do.

One curious thing he told me was that one of our neighbors (female) saw him yesterday and told him rather bluntly something to the effect of: "When are you coming home? I understand you are young and handsome and are having fun, but it's time that you stop this and come home."

I never told any of my neighbors anything about this, so I guess she put 2 and 2 together since he hasn't been around for 6 months. I wonder why he would tell me this? Seems strange that he would share this convo with me. Anyway, I can't read his mind so I have no idea why he would do this.