Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

Thank you so much ladies! I am beyond grateful for the support and encouraging words I receive on this site.

SD: You do have a point. It's next to impossible to think that he will ever change his mind- after I saw his face and calm demeanor while he was talking. But you're right. He didn't feel this way 6 months ago... and might not feel this way 6 months from now (perhaps I won't feel this way 6 months from now? one can only hope)

DU: I'm a cat person, so I like the shortened name I would like to think that he's trying to convince himself that he's doing the right thing. In 1 month, I've seen glimpses of the old him coming back to me- but then I can almost see the wheels turing in him head and he come to a screeching halt and does a U-turn... as if he had the urge to do something and remembered that he said he didn't love me

Sunshine: it took all my power to keep from begging and crying (unfortunately, because I was holding it all in, my heart was racing and set off my monitor- so he knew what was really happening in my body... I hate that alarm sometimes!)
I've never liked having my words stated back to me... but d@mn, I had a good point. Thank you for reminding me that we need to be friends before I can ever hope to be lovers again

update tonight: While he was at the gym, I had dinner with my boys and we watched some stupid cartoon movie on TV, but we shared a few laughs. My 5 year old passed out on the couch by 6:30 (haha) so me and the baby shared a piece of oreo pie... that little booger ate more than me! He gets his sweet tooth from his mommy I noticed that I feel relaxed when H isn't in the house, and to think that I used to love having him home
His brother comes tomorrow and is staying through Xmas. We've never been super close, but I'm an only child so he's the closest I've ever had to a brother- and it kills me that this separation will include losing some of the family that I gained through our M

My GAL plans this week:
I'm going to a movie on Thursday. I'm going alone because my friend had to change plans- but H doesn't know that
I'm going to try a yoga class at the Y, and I have to start packing for my week long trip to my parents house- without the kids Even though I'm gonna miss them terribly, it will be nice to have some time to focus on ME on my timetable.

[labug]

"I feel so lost now. His confidence/calmness was convincing."

I have this feeling about my H, too and he said many of the same things.

That line about being friends always makes me want to scream! They are standing there talking, your heart is breaking and they think that will make it all better.

[purgatory]

journal-

Woke up at 3 in the morning with a sense of panic. I don't know what I was freaked out about- but all I wanted to do was crawl into the other bed with H and have him tell me that everything is ok... but i didn't, and that made the panic turn to sadness.
I really hate the 'down' days. I'm not sure what causes them, I just know they sneak up out of nowhere. Sometimes I'm grateful that I have kids- they give me a reason to get out of bed. Otherwise, I might have stayed there all morning listening to the rain the roof and probably cried- having a pity party for myself.

Trying to find the motivation to get off the computer and clean the floors and get ready for company tonight... it's not working.

H called me this morning and said that his orders are changing again. Someone messed up yesterday and told him he would be going to Bahrain- but that job had already been assigned- Grrrrrrr. Any military persons and/or wives can understand when detailers are being stupid. And to make matters worse- his detailer is out of the office today, possibly all week, so he can't resolve this today
So, he's pretty mad/frustrated. I just listened and sympathized with his feelings- this was a 180 for me because normally I would have complained about how this affect my life and got just as upset... He seemed to appreciate just being able to vent without having to take care of my feelings (so I call that a 180 win!)

[adinva]

good job purg! I think it must have been nice for him to get support from you like that!

[Rick1963]

"The REBT theory of depression states that three factors are accountable for all forms of psychological depression: (1) selfblame,(2) self-pity, and (3) other-pity.
Whenever it is determined that a person is depressed, it is first proper to tell him of the three ways in which people depress themselves and then to solicit the assist-ance of the client in determining which of the three methods mentioned he is using in his specific case."

Purg this ^^^^^is one theory of why people make themselves depressed. So when you are feeling down think of what you are telling yourself. Example, "I will never find someone like H ever again" Really????

[kolja]

Hey purgatory-
I'm navy too. I've been in 13 years, and have NEVER had it go smoothly when I was up for orders. This was the first time I did it with the wife, and I know it was stressful for her as well. I know from my perspective, when it was VISIBLY bothering her, it just made me more frustrated because there was nothing I could do - not frustrated at her, just frustrated at the process. So, while I know it was probably hard for you, just listening was very helpful of you!!

[purgatory]

Rick- thanks! I'll try to keep 'what am I telling myself' in mind when I start to feel down.
My awakening in the middle of the night in panic- I think had to do with a dream, but I can't remember. The rest of today, I've been thinking about the holidays- and that seems to bring on a mired of emotions/realizations...
- My H won't be here to celebrate thanksgiving nor Christmas next year. This is the last holiday to celebrate as a family and we will only be together on Xmas day- then go to our separate family houses
- We always used to take a family picture on Xmas morning (before the destruction begins)...we won't do that this year.
- We won't get to do our tradition of New Year's drink and kisses
So I guess I'm in the self-pity form today (based on the above post)

Anyone have suggestions/solutions for the family photos on the wall? I have a variety of all of us, just me and the boys, my H and the boys and the boys together and individual. For my boys sake, I know that they need to see their family together and mom & dad.... but seeing them when I walk down the stairs and when I sit in my living room (which is everyday) is becoming really painful. I started to tear up knowing that my baby's last family photo will be the one we took on his first birthday. Then it really hit me: he's to young to remember us as 'together', he will never know his mom and dad as married- that kills me.

I need something to get me our of this funk...

[Rick1963]

Purg if you could tell what the future holds you and I would be rich since you would tell us the winning numbers, right? You need to take care of yourself. Did you read DR? What are you doing for GALing? These are important steps. This is going to be a hard year, yes. But you will come out a better person. Hang in there.

[any chance?]

P:
I completely understand where you are coming from, and I would like to lend you some support. My sitch has had me in a deep funk way too many times during the past months/years,and I almost lost myself in it. You simply cannot do that. You need to be strong for yourself and strong for your kids. My W moved 1500 miles away 4.5 months ago, after over two years of turmoil, depression and instability. She is on her own journey, and I have now realized that I need to detach and let her move forward on her own. Doing anything else is only hurting both of us, and probably me more that her. She is in a fog of her own making, and has to make it through on her own.

I would suggest your H is on a similar path. He is all wrapped up inside his own head. You have to take care of yourself and your kids....keep up those GAL activities, get out, see friends, work out, get outside, have fun activities with the little ones....make you the best you can be, get that inner glow back. Show yourself (and your H) how wonderful and confident you can be. Make yourself the woman he would be crazy to leave.

I have been on this long, rough road for a long, long time now, and I cannot tell you that my W is coming back. I do know that I can be proud that I took the high road and supported her through all the troubles. I have undergone real changes, and, yes, she is crazy to leave me. She just does not know that....and maybe never will.

In your case, the road is also long, and ain't anyway close to over. You have a lot of fighting to do for you, and for your kids. Everytime you get in a funk, pull yourself up and move forward. Dwelling on the negative helps no one and hurts everyone. Don't do that to yourself or your kids. Put on your game face and pull yourself up. Keep on keeping on. Be proud of who you are and what you can be. Do it in spite of your sitch. You are in charge...make your kids proud of you, now and forever. Be strong and hang in there.

[workinghardguy]

Then it really hit me: he's to young to remember us as 'together', he will never know his mom and dad as married- that kills me.

There's a fine line in DBing I think... and it's tied up in the above quote. You can't abandon all hope... otherwise what's the point? At the same time you can't cling to that hope and allow it to paralyze you. The mindset is more a matter of keeping hope and faith (and lots and lots and lots of faith) that things will work out and will work out as you want them to. But realizing that if they don't you will be ok, your kids will be ok, and you will thrive. This isn't a death sentence nor is it the end of all creation. It's almost Zen... when you stop being so invested in the outcome you get closer to the outcome you want. And eventually how you want them to work out may, or may not, involve your husband.

And it can always be worse I'm 99% certain my W will get a New Year's kiss, but it won't be from me and it will likely be from a man she is desperately trying to attract. But that's her choice and path...

Though watching her try to attract him and watching him ignore her is starting to become good theater...