W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[labug]

That would be very hurtful.

Her tank must be really empty to need to text 2-3 different men all day. She has something to prove.

[MrBond]

I was touchy, but I had the likes of some hardcore posters that helped me out. The thing is that no matter how harsh they were, I listened and applied even though I didn't agree with everything they said.

"I know I shouldn't have expectations about my W stopping her affair(s) but I guess I thought if she approached me to work on the R that the EA's would stop"

That's what you're still not fully understanding. The men are all bandaids. It's not that you have expectations of her stopping her A's, you have expectations that she should act (overall) in a certain manner. Whether it's texting other men, following up about a C, etc. you are expecting her to fall within certain behaviors (which would apply to normal people) and timelines.

What you can do is persuade and not push her. What is it that these other men provide her that she feels you're not? With all the OM and you, she's obviously looking for something she feels is missing. Find out what it is and you'll get her trust and respect again.

I'm one of those that believe that it's okay to check on her phone records, etc. It's like planning to go to war. You gather intel and use it to your advantage.

[Snowman]

I'm not sure what it is that the other men are providing, I almost want to just say that to her. I will try to figure that out but I really don't know the men and its hard to figure out what my W is missing when the communication is so little.

My wife is back to somewhat stonewalling me again and now wishy washy on wanting to work on things. I asked her why she is selectively responded to texts and she said "Cause I don't know what to say. I don't want to get your hopes up that things will work out." I said back "Ok, now I'm so confused and lost. I thought you wanted to work on this or at least see. To do that we need to at least go to counseling, right? I got no response. This is all confusing to me and Iwas not even texting her stuff that was personal or about our relationship. I guess I will have to pull back on communication for a while.

I did setup a MC appointment for this Friday so we will see what she says to that. I'm really confused and trying to do what is right upon her request to wanting to go to MC.

I started to re-skim the pages of DR and like at my goals that I set when I first read it. Some of them happen like the communication opening and helping my W know the M is salvageable. The moving home goal was not hit but she has come to the house numerous times so I feel like I made progress on that. I will continue to work on things and get back to DBing. This roller coaster ride is one crazy experience and I hope through everyone's help I can have the strength to stay on it until it stops where I would like it to.

[CO1978]

I don't want to get your hopes up that things will work out."

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that said by my W, I wouldn't be rich, but I would have a ton of nickels. You don't have to pull back on the communication. I don't ask my W ANYTHING about M or R. I casually bring up if she is going or made appointments for IC and leave it at that. Right now at this stage I just listen and validate. I ask her stuff about neutral things like her job and our S. If she brings up something I will give her my undivided attention and talk about it with her. I make sure I look her in her eyes (using a look of confidence and smile when necessary), nod and give her feedback (most feedback is saying "I understand"). As for OM, maybe part of what she is getting has to do with communication.

[Snowman]

Well my W is back to stonewalling me again. She won't even respond to my texts. I told her that I had picked I counselor that I like and that counselor wanted my W to call her to see if she was a right fit for her. I got no response but I figure I would put the ball in her court. I have no idea why all the sudden she has gone cold again in a matter of 2-3 days. This is all too weird.

We were suppose to do Christmas morning together for our S but I don't know at this point what her intentions are.

I swear sometimes I just want to say grow up and act like an adult. Oh well, I guess its back to the limited communication game or something.

I called a mutual friend of my W and I just to ask about one of the guys my W texts that also works at her work. He didn't have much to say about the guy but he did inform me that my W talked with him about approaching me about working on the marriage about a week ago. He had some other good things to say and thought she was realizing the new lifestyle she was living was probably not what she wanted. I was a very interesting conversation to say the least but now she has flip-flopped again and is back to the quiet game again. What gives???

[MrBond]

"I'm not sure what it is that the other men are providing, I almost want to just say that to her. I will try to figure that out but I really don't know the men and its hard to figure out what my W is missing when the communication is so little."

Maybe you need to start having simple friendly conversations with her first. No R talk at all, but slowly guide the conversations to see what it is she might be looking for.

"I have no idea why all the sudden she has gone cold again in a matter of 2-3 days."

No expectations on your part. Don't bother trying to understand her it will drive you insane. I would give her some time to process things and if she doesn't respond, follow up with her, but not in a way that sounds like it's rushing things.

"We were suppose to do Christmas morning together for our S but I don't know at this point what her intentions are."

Doesn't matter what her intentions are. If you're going to be together for your son, then be together for your son.

"What gives???"

Again, try not to overanalyze things. The only person who knows what's going on is your W and she's confused.

[workinghardguy]

[quote[Doesn't matter what her intentions are. If you're going to be together for your son, then be together for your son.[/quote]

And the corollary is... if you're planning to do Christmas morning with your son then do Christmas morning with your son, with or without your W.

At this point she's left the R/M... so it's not about having you two share a Christmas together. It's about providing your son a Christmas. You can't control the former anyway, so you might as well simply plan on the latter. If she joins in, great... if not, c'est la vie!