Where to next?

[mishka422]

I know it is easier said than done but you need to let go of your fear.

And that my dear friend is the problem in a nutshell. The fears I have don't all stem from the destruction of our M either, they are long seeded issues that have caused me a lifetime of anxiety and nearly paralyzing fear.

A couple of months ago I saw a movie (on Lifetime of all places) where this teenage girl was date raped. I didn't read the description of the movie, I had just turned the channel on and left it on while I was doing some household chores. I ended up in the fetal position on the couch crying for 2 hours. Things like that open wounds. There have been so many situations in my young adult life where I needed help from someone outside of my family and when I got the courage up to ask for it I was basically told to 'f off'. These were people who I had helped over the years and it hurt so badly to know that I was worth so little to them that they would treat me that way. So I stopped asking, stopped trying, stopped being who I thought I was. That girl was open and caring. Now, I'm still caring but I'm not open at all.

So, how do you get past that place of fear? Therapy didn't do it. Books haven't helped. Meditating calms me down when I'm anxious but doesn't help me resolve the underlying problem. UGH!

Oh well, again, I will paste on the smile and go about the holiday crap that no longer holds any joy for me.