if the feedback is from more than once person, (though sometimes only one person has the guts to say it)
then there is something to consider about your delivery, if not the substantive remark itself.
Examine it. It's going to help you. But understand that your Intent is irrelevant. Do you get that?[/color]
I get it, and agree that it is something that I need to focus on. I remember once my wife said she was physically intimidated by me in an argument. I wouldn't EVER touch another human being out of anger - especially my wife. So I see how my overall stature matters. Oddly enough, my father was not just a lawyer - but a Federal Prosecutor - and he, like me, is a big guy with a LOUD (let me say this again - LOUD) voice. I see how his delivery in arguments impacted my mom, but never really saw myself taking on the same behavior. I guess I kind of have. [/color]
Crimson [/quote] I don't think it's too late for your marriage to be restored. It WILL take longer than you expected. But I don't believe a woman who once loved you deeply, has a child with you , will ignore
you as a man, IF she believes you are a very good father and that you have changed into the man she always wanted you to be.
I just think you'd have to have killed all her love-hard to do-
as opposed to covering that love by your actions and her feelings of pain, feelings of neglect, anger, resentment, and fears...
those are to be dealt with and hopefully "undone"...revealing the love below the surface.
that takes time and consistent changes on your end...[/color] [/quote]
I know - I just tend to be rather impatient with things. I guess I wouldn't be SO impatient if I saw any signs of progress - no matter how minute. I hope you are right - I hope that somewhere in her she still loves me on some level and believes that being a family again is not impossible. I just need to dig in for the emotional long haul. Like most, I just struggle with how in the world she will ever see that I am changing. Hell, I've had some massive changes of the last few months that would have made our M better.
Well, NLW - even though it appears no WAS is the same I am picking up there are some commonalities between a lot of them. Perhaps the thick exterior is part of it. Most folks here say the WAW is hurting on some level and wrestling with their decision(s). I can't see it in my W per se, but I trust that they are right.
Interesting development. W actually CALLED me to discuss S tonight. I was in a meeting so I missed the call and she left a message. She said she was calling because she was driving and didn't want to text. Still - I'll take it. Small thing, but she has never called before (unless she is PISSED and leaving a crappy message). Granted it was 100% about our son - but like I said, I'll take it. Baby steps.
Most folks here say the WAW is hurting on some level and wrestling with their decision(s). I can't see it in my W per se, but I trust that they are right.
Just think of it like how you act as if you aren't hurting around her, she does same. Its a chess game. I wish we could see more emotions from them that gave us a clue they still have doubts. Take what you can get, and hopefully build on it. My W and I started all talk about S, but I started asking about her work day, and it grew from there. I am still shocked she asked me about my work day a few days back, only happened once so far, but I'll take what I can get.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Hi Crimson, CO1978, Certainly take these things as positives, but don't do what I've done and treat them as signs that things are getting better.
My time scale has been all wrong on this.
I now figure it might take MANY MONTHS (years?) of these sorts of small steps forward before any sort of real re-consideration of the relationship on my spouse's part.
And furthermore, the steps forward are never progressive. My H has recently gone backwards big time in his attitude towards me, and I don't feel as if I've been doing much different DB-wise.
Hell guys, I have no idea if the fact that she called is "progress". I guess I am so hungry for a good sign I am just deciding to call it as such.
She may be "acting if"', CO - but if she is, she is really good at it. Or maybe I just think she is well at peace with her decisions.
To your point, I have thought about throwing in a text asking her how her new job is going. I really AM genuinely interested but don't know if I should because of LRT and going "dim".
Also, was comtemplating getting her a small Christmas gift from our son. Is that a bad idea considering where we are? I really can't tell if that would be read as a "pursuing" behavior. My gut says yes, but wtf do I know?
About the gift, is it something you've done before? (can't remember how old your son is)
I would do it but make sure it is something that would be from "him", not diamond earrings or anything personal. An ornament commemorating his age maybe? A framed photo.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've never really done it before - this will only be his second Christmas. However, I never really did the "third-party" gift thing for her (i.e. - gift from dog, gift from son), and I know it would be something she would like (well, if we were under "normal" circumstances anyway). I don't think I gave her a mother's day gift from our son - now I DID give her a mother's day gift - it just wasn't from our son.
Again, I just wouldn't want this to be seen as a "pursuing" behavior at all. Rather, a 180 since it was something she wanted that I never did. Tough call on this one. Granted, it would not be anything lavish by ANY stretch of the imagination - just a nice gesture or token.
I think something made "by" him eliminates most of the worry that the gift will be seen as really from you since you picked it out (and hence pursuing). Since my kids were born I gave my H an annual t-shirt with their handprints (dipped their hands in fabric paint) and their ages at the time. I did all the legwork but it was all them in the finished product.
The year my H had his EA his t-shirt had footprints instead of handprints because I was so mad at him. That was my little inside joke because I was trying really hard not to appear mad at him or even not to BE mad. But the footprints made me smile. Anyway...
Another nice thing is the paint-your-own pottery type of place - one year I painted a kitchen spoonrest with a background color and had the boys do fingerprints in a contrasting color (those aren't always ready the same day you paint them). Another really easy thing for kids to "make" - thread pretty glass beads onto stretchy string and tie it off to make a bracelet or necklace. If the kid's too young to handle the beads he can pick out the colors or what order to put them in. You can get all the fixings at a craft store like Michaels for pretty cheap and yet they're good quality and look like real jewelry. One more idea: at Whole Foods in the body shop section you can buy scented "essential oils", maybe some other places have them (lavendar's nice, orange, there are all kinds. Pour Epsom salt into a big bowl and mix in a few drops of the oil and a few drops of food coloring, add more until it looks and smells right, let the kid pick the variables and handle the stirring, and voila - bath salt you can put in a glass container, a recycled water bottle, or a baggie. Cheap, really nice product, and handmade by your child. OK one more: buy blank plain stationery cards, a couple of rubber stamps and ink pads, and let the child "make" decorated note cards for her.
I hope these are helpful! I have always loved making these types of things with my boys to give family members for Christmas.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Those are awesome ideas, adinva - but my W has him for the next few days so I won't be able to "make" anything with him before the holiday. Still grappling with this one! I guess the default should be "no" if I can't decide - but I still wonder if this could be a nice 180 for me.
Still have the urge to ask her about the new job, too. Is that too much??
.....by "too much", I mean does that look like pursuing? My intent would be to initiate a brief discussion (even if it is via text) that is not about or S or pending D. I need to start setting some new short-term goals.
