What else could I have done?

[antlers]

25 said...Notwithstanding the comment I made about holding on for long being better than quitting too early,

do NOT confuse that with justification for score keeping, which

You have done too much. And it holds YOU back, and does nothing to her.
(like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in her eyes...)

It does NOT promote "justice."

You honestly believe that you changed anyone's mind about the marriage by telling them the ex wife, their d had an affair?

Let me assure you ---> 90% of them will say YOU pushed her into the arms of the OM by the way you acted. Heck even you think there's some truth there.

It does not help anyone, least of all YOU, to bring that up again. It makes you look punitive, and vindictive and still holding on and keeping score.

All you have to do, IF anything is say "XW knows the real reasons behind our divorce. She knows choices WE BOTH MADE, ended our m.

I owned my mistakes and am a better man for it. I am not aware that xw has owned anything. Ask her if you like...." and leave it at that.

Your children will someday ask you questions and when they are ready, then you tell them..IF EVER.

My uncle left my wonderful aunt decades ago, for OW. He married OW after her own h killed himself. Uncle felt guilty that OW's kids were now fatherless so he left his own bio kids to marry OW and raise hers as his own....fair? Hell no.

My aunt never said a bad word about her ex b/c she placed her love for her children over her anger at her ex h. (You have not done this. You will be placing your anger, under the guise of "honesty/fairness" above their welfare if you choose to share that with them about their mother.

A few years ago my cousin asked her mother a question about the divorce and aunt finally said "your father wanted to be free to marry OW." Also, when OW (now his wife of decades) mentioned the anniversary, there was an overlap of years when aunt was still married to the uncle. So my cousin figured it all out.

She was hurt by her father's cowardly refusal to ever explain.

But she was so touched by her mother's (my aunt) protection of her relationship with her father. She admires her mom that much more now.

She still loves her dad, which is healthy for her. But she "gets it" now. Don't rush your kids into "reality" too soon. You'd be surprised at how well your xw will justify the affairs and you may come out looking a whole lot worse than you believe you deserve to be.

It's one thing to stand up for yourself, it's another to throw rocks.

SIDENOTE--my aunt is so much happier in her marriage now, than she ever could have been with a philandering h. In fact, her ex h still cheats on his "new" wife...

It wasn't my intention to change anyone's mind. I kept the truth to myself for a long time, while she continued to bash me to our kids and her family and anybody else who'd listen. And I beat myself up worse than she was beating me up. I don't feel like I was keeping score. After I realized, finally, that it truly was 'over', it became important to me for them to know the whole truth, instead of just what they were being told by her. I'll take responsibility for what I've done as I have from the beginning of this awful ordeal, but I am not responsible for her cheating and lying regardless of what they think! I own what I did...but I won't own that. She did that all on her own. I have no intention of bringing it up again. Punitive and vindictive? You just described her to a 'T' since she left.
"XW knows the real reasons behind our divorce. She knows choices WE BOTH MADE, ended our marriage. I owned my mistakes and am a better man for it. I am not aware that XW has owned anything. Ask her if you like...".
I will remember this...thank you for it.
I feel bad enough for screwing up as badly as I did during the marriage. Thinking about the cheating and lying that she did hurts pretty damn bad too.