DB'ing is soooo hard!

[workinghardguy]

I am really doubting that DB'ing works.

Really, can this work for people? Why would a spouse who has run away, and is so one sided reverse and see that their M is worth saving?

Well a couple things... first off, no one ever said DBing works. Yes, it works sometimes, but honestly I would guess it doesn't work more often than it does. At least if you're going to use reconciliation of the marriage as the test of "working". There are other measurements of success that could be used (and probably should), but for this discussion let's use recon of the M as the standard.

Why would a spouse come back? Because fundamentally something drove them away and whatever that is has changed or disappeared, AND their new situation is not as good as what they could have back with you. You're pretty early in this timeline (as am I), and our W's are still living in their created world.

At some point that created world will have to be dealt with by them. It won't be all rainbows and unicorns.

The ultimate question is do you want your M? If the answer is yes then what is the other option? We could go all pleading, begging, and pursuing knowing that drives our spouses away faster and leaves them with the image of this pathetic, pleading person. Who would want to go back to that?

We could go all aggressive and over the top. Threaten, cajole, demand, and control... yep, there's someone a spouse is going to want to come back to.

Or we could take the "flight" route of the fight or flight response. First sign of real trouble and we roll up our carpet and hit the streets; abandoning our M's and families. I'm quite sure the pain and damage caused by that will rule out almost any recon.

So then what are we left with? We are left with what we are doing. Focusing on ourselves. Making ourselves better people and keeping the road home paved and smooth. They may never take the road home. If someone said "If you DB for XX months there is a 100% chance your M will be recon and be stronger" who amongst us wouldn't take that deal? But no one can say that. So instead we're left with our own self-choice. To DB or not. To hold out as long as we think we can, and then probably just a little bit longer than that.

But in the end you have to want your M to your W. There can be all types of reasons for that. For me, it's because I know who my W can be when she is healthy and chooses to be that, and I love that person very much. It's also because I want to save my SS and SD from having grown up through two broken marriages. And it's because I want my S to have a mom and dad who live in the same house, take family vacations, and do the stuff that families do.

In the end if I can't have any of those things, then I can't have them. But I can at least look in the mirror, and someday look my S in the eye, and say I did everything I could to save my M. I stood for the M, I waited, I did the heavy-lifting until I couldn't do it any more. And that's the most I can offer... the true show of character is not in the outcome, but how you conduct yourself in getting there.