What else could I have done?

[antlers]

After she left, she continued to move on...while i continued to hold on. I held on throughout an 8 month separation, a very nasty 13 month divorce, and then for a year after the divorce.
I now am committed to putting my time and energy into investing in my own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended.

Antlers, first, (((( )))).
[color:#000066]I am truly working on this. From a healthy standpoint, and not in a selfish way. I'm trying to empower myself. That includes determining my own self worth.
second, when given the choice, (and not all are) - I believe

it is FAR FAR better to have held on, perhaps for too long,

than to have let go, perhaps a bit too early.

If I must regret something (and that is not an eternal condition)

then I prefer regret about trying too hard or for too long,

than regret about quitting too soon or not giving enough of myself.
I have NEVER looked at it that way before! That is some insight that I believe will help me. Thank You! I've been feeling bad because she started letting go long before she ever left...while I continued to hang on and put forth effort and hope for a reconciliation for 3 years after she left. She had a tremendously huge headstart on me at 'letting go'. I won't feel bad anymore for "trying too hard or for too long".
Make sure Your regrets are about how you were IN the marriage,

not how you tried, once you had seen the light.
I think it's about perspective...how I was IN the marriage, even though there was a time that I actually dod 'see the light'...and I wanted to use those tools to continue to be IN the marriage.
Once you obtained the tools for a healthy relationship, you began using them and you still have them for your future and what YOU create for yourself.
Once I obtained those tools, she was already 'done' evidently. I do still have them and I'd like to be able to use them at some point on down the line. I know that my future's up to me. It's scary and lonely right now, but I'm working on accepting full accountability for it and my emotions.
Please see this as the blessing it is. And though the efforts have yielded some fruit already - the greatest harvest is yet to come. Under the circumstances, I do see it as a blessing. I would not want to go back to being the man that I was before she left. I know in my heart, and those closest to me know, that I am not the same person I was in that relationship. I sure hope that "the greatest harvest is yet to come". I'm so sick of hurting and feeling like I have been for over 3 years.

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There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in me.
And letting go is the key to my growth and development. I want to do this.

Letting go of our painful past and present day grudges, is essential to OUR happiness. (That is why your xw is still not happy...) [color:#000066]This is exactly what I'm trying to do! I want to let go of all of that. But it's not easy. It should be because it hurts so bad...but it's not. As far as her happiness, her mother has 'assured' me that she's happy and hurts no more. And so have my two daughters. Regardless, I don't have any control over that, so I want to get to where I'm not concerned with it. She has even told me herself that she has "moved on".


You are starting to let go. You will be happy again, and you will love again...it'll be so good.[/color] I feel like I have made some progress in the last 7 weeks or so. I do look forward to being happy...and I look forward to the other too. I will do a better job when that time comes. Thank you for your insight and encouragement.