Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[Valeska19]

So, to update the personal stuff in the sitch. A week ago Sunday, Dec 11, W was acting depressed/down. Nothing really new. One thing she's complained about is that I've always tried to hard, asked too much if she's ok, etc... so that has been a 180. Kind of leave her alone to wallow if that's what she wants. But Sunday she seemed really down, and had for a day or two. I just told her, "Look, I've known you for a long time and something is really bothering you. If you want to talk, I'm here.' Left it at that. (180!). She has been pretty shut off from me for a while, so I didn't have much expectation that she would talk to me, but she opened up --- she said this time of the semester makes her really sad "because she realizes that this is part of what got us to this point." What she meant is that I'm really really consumed by work for a couple of weeks at the end of every semester -- and she's always felt neglected at this time. We had a nice honest talk about that, and I acknowledged my transgressions, telling her that this semester I've tried to put her and S first (which I have and which she said she did notice THIS semester...)

Good 180. Also good that she did notice. Keep working on that 180.

Then Monday the 12th comes. A while back I had asked her about going to an event based on one of the few tv shows that we ever really watched --- she didn't seem very interested. Long story short, I found out that Monday she was going to this event with a 'group' which I'm pretty sure just meant OW.... Interestingly W was very very apologetic - even texted me tell me she was sorry during the day. Not sorry enough to NOT go,but anyway..

IS - this IS a positive. Remember a month ago when your w didn't give a d@mn about your feelings. Don't expect her to keep treating you nice, but he!! be grateful for it!

The next night we took S as a family to see Santa, then watched a movie together the next night, took him for xmas pics etc... Lots of family time. Lots of good honest conversations b/w W and I --not all/much R talk- but open communication. I even told her "You know, we've had more open, honest convos in the past few months than in the past 13 years" She agreed....

Good honest conversation is good. Open communication - also good. Maybe next time, don't call attention to it.. just keep it up.

Well, then she spent time Saturday with OW.... and here came a pullback. WE had made plans to take S to a movie - W tells m of the blue Sun morning that no, she doesn't want to go. We've had too much family time and she thinks I'm using it as a way to keep/get us together (yep...she's right. That was one thing my DB coach told me--- crowd out OW with family time. I'm thinking OW is not enjoying all this...and said something.)

Ah.. yes... you are bringing up positive feelings and she needs to squash them. Total WAS script.

Flash to yesterday -- Monday. W gets really sick and has to come home from work early. I take care of her as much as I could (she really needed rest) and I take care of S so she can rest. She goes into 'our' bed -- she's been on the couch a couple of months now -- and stays there all day until bedtime. W, S and I even watch a movie on her laptop in bed. Really nice. We banter about 'if we get back together, she doesn't like this mattress, she wants the dogs to sleep in another room from us, etc..."
At some point I say "you know u and S are my number one priority. Do you believe me?" She said, "Eventually."

The banter is interesting.. but asking if she believed you?? (swings 2x4)

IMVHO her actions make me think she's really NOT 'done' with 'us' == but I have to keep being cool as possible and detach.

IF she is not really done - then you do need to continue to detach. You are doing a good job IS with your changes.. but remember that they are for YOU because YOU want to put your wife & son first.. instead of doing because she asked?

I mean do you see the difference of perspective there?? 1 - is doing it so wife notices (which is why you ask or bring up stuff). The other is because you realized that you need to change and you are going to change regardless on if your w appreciates it.. or even notices it.

The 2nd is a change of heart, the other.. a change in tactic. Good DBing is always changing of the heart.

Glad to see you back!