Wow
I spent all day yesterday reading this thread.

I think we are married to the same person. I mean my wife says and does all the same things! It's pretty uncanny.

I think our wives have the same core problem. Which manifests itself in depression, low libido, lack of energy, and more. Even the way they go about avoiding sex is similar.

I saw my W and I in your description of you and your W.

I think your foremost concern should be as seeing this situation as not an SSM issue, but a physical condition. It's easier to feel empathy if you see their situation as an illness you both have to endure, rather than her being "selfish".

I have mix feelings about your wife forcing herself to have sex with you. Mine was doing something similar, eventually she tired of it, and stopped it. Yours sounds to be heading that way.

Instead focus on reducing all expectations of sex. You mentioned OM seemed a better choice because there were no expectations. I think you should steal this from his book.

Your probably better served working on some sexual tension, not expecting it.

Like I've said I'm in a similar sitch so I'm not saying I have the answer just offering more options.

Work on making her feel loved, I know you read 5 LL, but think about it this way every time you expect sex, whether you get it or not you are makin a love bank withdrawal. This means you may need to deposit more than you thought you do, and reconsider how often and at what times you withdraw. No point in making a withdrawal that will lead to no sex, right?

I'm very interested in what your IC has to say, he/she sounds like they figured it out, or at least have dealt with this before.

My W believes that whenever I do something nice it's to get sex. She can't see the love involved in the action or in the sex. My goal is to break this belief through actions not words. To make her feel loved AND desired.

You said your wife wants to feel validated, yet she doesn't want to get it from you. Mine believes I only validate for sex, could yours be feeling the same?

I'll be watching this thread often now, I think we need a very similar solution.