Our story

[kolja]

Can't remember if I posted this over the weekend, but on Saturday I debated whether or not to wish my wife well with her sister's bridal shower. I finally decided to go ahead and do it, saying "Hey, I hope the shower goes well and that you have a good time, I know you've worked really hard at it." She replied "Thanks, I appreciate it." It was our only communication all weekend but I feel pretty decent about it. Meanwhile I finihsed "Divorce Busting."

Yesterday (Monday), she contacted me out of the blue to see if I was at work. I said I was, and she said OK. I'm not TOO sure what all that was about, other than she probably wanted to swing by without having to worry about running into me. That was it, though, as I kept up with not-pursuing.

This morning, I had another session over the phone with Chuck. He seems to think I'm in on the right track, in a decent place, which is good to hear coming from someone with his experience and perspective. Once I got to work, I coincidentally enough had a text message from the wife. She asked when I was headed cross-state to visit my folks and sister, and also asked if I was going to get a lawyer or if I thought we could get this done without one.

I told her my travel plans, then said I had HOPED we could proceed without lawyers (though the truth is we're pretty far apart on what would be fair and reasonable in terms of spousal maintenance - and I of course still hope it won't ACTUALLY come to that anyway). I also answered her questions about my travel plans.

All she said was she agreed about hoping we could do without lawyers, and then DROPPED the subject entirely, going on to say that my visit home would be short but she was glad I would be able to see my family. I said the visit would be short because I would be able to get my license back on the 27th and wanted to be back for that, plus I had a lot going on (but all generally good) at work. She said she was glad about the license AND work, and I went on to tell her that having the insurance company file the liability paperwork the state requires is only increasing the premium by $2 a month - we both agreed that was great news.

Considering the role my alcohol-scented legal-scrape played in our problems I feel like it's a pretty big milestone. I feel good about letting her know about it, and doing so without any kind of "see, things are getting better, why don't you stick around?" chicanery. All in all it seemed like a positive interaction.

I also find it interesting that for as sure she says she is about her decision, she only brought it up once last week, and today was the first time since Thursday she mentioned it. She SAYS she wants it to move fast, but doesn't APPEAR to be doing much about it. She says she plans to have all her stuff out of the house by the end of the month, but aside from initially packing a bag for her friend's house, there hasn't been much progress in her personal property migrating out of our house. Unless of course she's just planning on rolling up with a U-Haul some day and spending a couple days loading it up... But in the mean time, her laptop is still sitting on the living room coffee table. While I'm certainly not TRYING to play mind-reader, it IS an interesting thing to notice - and even Chuck said it was a POTENTIALLY positive sign.

But right now I'm still focusing on me. The time alone, and much-needed-jolt, coupled with the books I've read and threads I've read here have helped me do some introspection. Aside from the big reasons she mentioned in her email a couple weeks ago, I know I often came off in a condesceding and disrespectful way. It was hard for me to grasp at the time, because the patterns were so ingrained I didn't even really notice them. But, in having to be conscious of how I react to this new situation I'm in, I've had the opportunity to look at how I relate not just to her but many other people around me - and I can see how people could get that impression. I'm learning that a conversation with someone isn't ALWAYS an invitation to share my opinion on something (TV shows and music for example, where my wife and I have some differing tastes), and even my opinion IS solicited, there's more delicate ways to put it that don't make it sound, however unintentionally, that I'm judging the other person - no matter who it is.

Sorry if anyhting here is duplicated - lots of reading, thinking, and talking things over lately and I'm honestly not sure what I've already written and is waiting in the queue! Thanks for looking and offering input, though...