Well, three holiday events down and the biggie, W's office party, tonight. Reminding myself that the group's had a five hour head start and will be pretty "happy" come happy hour (it is a 10 hour party). Last year, this was a problem as I should have recognized my Ws behavior as partly alcohol-induced. Seeing this as an opportunity to find out how much I've learned. Will be ok I think....except for the dancing....please please please let there be no dancing.
By the way, for those following my older posts. I have found some things on family leadership that resonate with me. I've been keeping them in mind as the stress of our upcoming move abroad builds up, and they seem to help.
Short version: Arrived just in time to hear W's boss announce that his W is pregnant - not planned, they are older, and he's clearly struggling with it. Three bars later he was pretty drunk, had attached himslef to my W, laying out all the tales of woe about his dysfunctional family, health problems, and about how only she would understand. He actually cut off the others as they tried to offer their support, saying only my W would understand, since they are of the same ethnic background. He seemed to really need to confide in her and was way inside her personal space, practically leaning on her. It was pretty awkward all around. W was clearly uncomfortable about it by the end. I don't know how but I did ok, taked with some other people and tried to steer the conversation toward some lighter topics. We drove some officemates home and W just held my hand. I was just so happy I've learned enough to handle that maturely. That alone was worth it. As for the holiday party aftermath, well, I'm glad I don't have to clean it up.
Well, preparing for the big move across the pond. Our six months working abroad. Alternating between excitment and apprehension. It will be one heck of a long flight but, Jack3B, at least it will be a chance to finish that book. I'm sure this will pose some unique challenges for piecing, if that's what we're doing.
Can't help but think about what I mess I was this time last year. I guess you can only appreciate how deep a hole it was after you manage to climb out.....
W's boss took her and two coworkers out for a 4 hour birthday lunch at a very expensive resturant this afternoon. She came back with extra chocolates and single red flower. I said nothing but W notices that I am not very happy. Ugh. This is my cooling off period - now. Feeling silly for ever thinking things were different. But I simply wll not allow this to affect me as before. Geez, I honestly hate this idiot.
Quite a difference between yesterday at 9AM and 5:30PM.
I said nothing and did nothing, but was quiet. W knows I'm not happy. She seems upset about it. It's making preparations for her birthday party awkward.
My W had a great time at her office's birthday party, which was an hour away at a nice and expensive resort, decked out for the holidays, with her boss and 3 coworkers. Boss picked out the place, made the arrangements, drove them out, and picked up the tab. She came home with a small gift and a red flower.
I get it - maybe this isn't a big deal. Maybe she picked the flower from the arrangement. I should just suck it up. I'll soon be on the other side of the world. Why is this getting to me?
Well, first, my W made me promise not to do anything for her birthday, and decided with all the stress of the holidays we wouldn't exchange gifts. I planned a small gathering for ice cream and cake anyway, with friends and kids. So, again, her "office" is the star of the show. ANd I can't help but feel it's a competition.
Second, I don't understand why she doesn't SEE this. Last week he was lavishing the attention on her at the other event to the point where it was awkward and embarrassing. Certainly, she has to undestand that this would get my blood boiling.
I feel like I'm being passive agressive and acting like a 5 year old by giving her the cold shoulder, but my options are pretty limited here. The only reasonable option that saves her birthday and holiday is to suck it up, make nice, and endure it.
I mean she seemed upset this morning - surely at me - and I don't imagine she'll easily forgive messing up her birthday.
Look at the box to the left - it's been a year since I started here. All that progress. And I still haven't figured out this one....
Journaling. Well, heck, I must have learned SOMETHING over the past years. So what HAVE I learned?
Don't let myself get over-stressed, exhausted, or co-dependent. Get enough sleep. OK.
Make time for exercise and friends. OK, DID THAT LAST NIGHT (WATCHED THE GAME). WILL HIT THE GYM TODAY.
Don't over-react. The reason this sort of thing effected me as it did was because is because of a very similar past experience and because I didn't think I would measure up.
THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO TURN OUT THE SAME WAY.
Cool down. I probably have about the "correct" amount of stress about such things a day or two afterwards. Burying the stress is going to give my a heart attack unless I get the stress out somehow.
ONE WORD: EXERCISE
Assume W's intentions are good. Start any conversation from there. Then keep it very short. Don't defend how I feel. Don't expect a resolution right away, or an apology.
I REALLY DON'T THINK SHE IS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HER BOSS. BUT SHE DOESN'T PUT AN END TO THE CRAZY OVER THE TOP ATTENTION. I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO COMMINICATE.
Relax. Things usually aren't as bad as they seem at first.
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU TO JUST RELAX? I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT WHEN I'M TELLING *MYSELF* TO RELAX.
Consider other stressers. Winter? Holidays? Work? Kids?
CHECK, CHECK, AND CHECK.
IN SUMMARY W'S BOSS LAVISHES ATTENTION AND EXPENSIVE MEALS ON HER, SHE TOLERATES THIS, I GET PISSY, THAT HURTS OUR R.
OK. got some exercise. cooled off. well, sort of. I still don't see the solution here. I can't ask her to not spend time with her office and wouldn't want to. Clearly, being pissy isn't going to get me anywhere good in time for W's birthday party or the holidays, or the move.
All I've come up with is humor. A couple friends and I watched the game last night and they know the very basics - that Ws boss is gives her more attention than I am comfortable with. They busted my chops all night. I mentioned that her boss wanted to buy her a trip (a $*@$% river cruise?) for her birthday - they asked if W could take one for the team to get some extra tickets so they could come along. I mean, I think this guy is a joke anyway but I've been too polite to make fun of him. One more: boss is way short with crazy hair, so they thought we should take a troll doll along so we wouldn't miss him too much. oh. petty. I know. And offensive to trolls. Nevertheless, perhaps from now on I will refer to him simply as the head troll.
I know DB doesn't allow you to talk about other non-approved books but if you google cognative distortion. You'll get some good ideas on how to Feel Good.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I take it you are gently suggesting an overreaction caused by one or more logical fallacies, eh? perhaps exaggeration? (personally, I'd pick "magical thinking", but I suppose I don't get to choose.) Exaggeration nonetheless....
If I AM simply overreacting that's bad. It's hard for me to tell and, frankly, I get conflicting advice.
