What else could I have done?

[antlers]

Antlers: You keep justifying bad behaviour. Your own behaviour towards ex MIL. Not OK>
I was explaining my feelings. Isn't that OK here? I felt is was important, to ME, that they know the truth. I've done nothing but take it square on the chin since D-day, and have not had an opportunity to tell anything other than how bad I was and how wrong I was. My exMIL put digs in against me whenever she could...my young son even told me that she said bad things about me to him whenever he used to go see her. It actually did me some good, I believe, for them to know something other than just what they've been told by my ex.

What your ex did is one thing but how you handle yourself NOW is different. And that is what Gineen and I are saying to you.
I feel good about the efforts I've put forth to try to save my marriage and my family. I did everything in my power to make things better for us all. I do appreciate your input, and input from anyone else here too.
YOU might feel better if you tell your ex inlaws "the truth". But what purpose can it possibly serve except to further distance you from it all. I do feel better about telling them the truth. It's about time that I felt good about something! The purpose that it served was that it made me feel better for reasons that have already been described. Further distance me from what? My exW who is now with a man that she had an affair with over 10 years ago while our children were small? My ex in-laws who are so happy that she's now with her soulmate? [/color
Do you really think you are the only one here who had a horrible divorce? Obviously you don't know much about mine although I have tried to tell you. And FLTC. And many many of the others here. [color:#FF0000]Heavens no! Why would you even think that? I don't know much about yours at all but I will read up on it. FLTC too. I just recently came back here, so I'm sure there are a lot of situations here that I'm not familiar with.

We're trying to help you. So try listening and stop "explaining" it to us. We know. And trust us - we're advising you correctly. I appreciate any help that I can get here. I do listen, and will listen more. I do think it's OK to vent here...at least I hope it is. Despite many similarites here in a lot of these situations, there are some individual circumstances that make them different also.

[SunFunOne]

It is always ok to vent here. But you were not just venting. You were describing your own anger that got out of control. This is not about your Ex W or your Ex MIL. This is about YOU!

When you vent to your Ex W or your Ex MIL - you are only making them say - "Yep - that's the anger that was there in the marriage. We were right". Because when you point your finger at someone else (Ex W) - you have 4 fingers pointing back at yourself.

So - it is really uncool to vent to your ex MIL about your Ex W. How can that possibly be productive?

Again, you only see yourself and your anger. Why not, during this Christmas season - look at someone else? Someone in a worse situation than yours? Why not do something productive to help someone worse off than yourself. It will change your focus greatly.

2 weeks ago, the woman who lives across the street from me passed away. At age 43. I didn't know her well (I am new in this community), but her husband plows my driveway and has fixed my lawnmower. He has also been quite kind to my handicapped son. He has to somehow make Christmas for his 2 sons, the younger in fifth grade. His mother died on his birthday!

At a community event on the weekend I learned that this family is suffering great hardship. Her illness had taken a lot of time and money and caused much depression. No names were mentioned but I knew who they were talking about. So today I went out and bought a grocery gift card to put in a Christmas card for him and leave in his mailbox anonymously. I was hoping it would help in some small way.

Then I went into the next store - and there he was! So I went to talk to him and pay my respects (they had just had a family funeral and I had sent a card). We talked about the kids, Christmas etc (and how he found it so hard to deal with) and he told me he was going to go forward. Business as usual. He would be over for the next snowfall - not to worry. I felt immense respect for him and how he was doing his best for his kids.

I will wait another day or 2 before putting that card in his mailbox. But it will make me feel good. In a really good way.

I spent years feeling angry. Over my son getting brain damage. Over my husband cheating on me and not paying support for his 3 kids. Over my student/prodigy who stole my business and turned my clients against me. Want to know the truth? Few people REALLY cared. But I did waste a lot of time and put my own health in jeopardy as a result.

So I learned to say STOP when I started wallowing in it. And redirected my attention to someone who had it worse than me. (even at my worst - I always found someone wose). Like my close friend whose husband lied, cheated,didn't pay support while she was not working and then committed suicide). Yes - she had it worse than me.

There is a big difference between venting here where we all understand and venting to your exes. And obviously - that is not what you want to hear.

Barb

[antlers]

OK Barb.
I was struggling to save my marriage and family, while she was screwing my son's basketball coach! One of many infidelities during our marriage. And her lies and deceit placed ALL of the blame on me. She convinced my kids, and even me, that ALL of the blame was mine. And I took ALL of the blame for a very long time. Her wrongdoings did not diminish mine. I shouldered mine and did something about it. It took me 3 years before I could truly forgive myself. So yes, forgiving her would be a very difficult thing. She "hates" me to this day...and has not shouldered one ounce of fault. As long as it's 'all me' that did wrong, it was none of her. And she refuses to forgive me at all. 
If it will help me to feel better for them to finally know the truth, then I think it's OK under these circumstances. I don't need to put her or her mother's needs and feelings above mine right now. I am allowed to be angry about this and there's no reason to protect her or her mother from the truth.
I've felt awful and beat myself up for 3 solid years. I took ALL of the blame for years! After she left and destroyed our family I still put her needs above mine for years...even when she was doing what she was! If it's about me, then so be it! If it helps me at this stage of the thing, then so be it. I don't think telling the truth is bad, especially under these circumstances. Her wrongdoings don't diminish mine...but they counted too!

[Rick1963]

Antlers I feel for you. I don't know what to say to help you but things must get better in time, right? My in laws loved me until a few months ago after 26 years. Now they hate me. My brother now hates my W and tells me he never liked her. My mom loved my W but when she heard about my sitch she said she was too ugly for me anyways. Blood is thicker than water.

I think wHat you are going through is part of the healing process and it svcks. Don't let that anger ruin the rest of what can be a great life. We are pulling for you

[luvless]

I don't care what happens in a marriage "infidelity" is never excused.

[SunFunOne]

Great advice, Rick and what I was trying to say. "Don't let the anger ruin the rest of your life".

And Luvless - I don't believe that infidelity can be excused. I will never forget the pain of it in my situation when my ex and his OW ran around blatently throwing it in our faces (she was also cheating on a husband and son). But that doesn't make it ok to throw it in their parents' faces - which makes YOU look bad too. Trust me - I know - I had to force myself every day not to do the same. But taking the high road, being the better person - always wins in the end. It just makes you look better and feel better.

Bad things happen to good people. The point is to not let the bad stuff make us bitter, but to make us better.

My posts are intended to help - not to hurt. It took me a long, long time to figure this out.

Barb

[antlers]

I think wHat you are going through is part of the healing process and it svcks. Don't let that anger ruin the rest of what can be a great life. We are pulling for you

I said earlier that I'd made the decision and commitment on Halloween, just 7 weeks ago, to 'let go'...to realize that my marriage was over and accept it. Since then I've been releasing all of my emotions that I was holding onto (including anger at the cheating and lying)...and trying to release my ex and the relationship in general. I realized that holding onto it was not going to help me heal my heartbreak. I've been working hard at it for 7 whole weeks! That's not a long time. I've been crying a lot. But I do feel that I'm on the road to 'letting go' and healing. I do want to get over this.

[25yearsmlc]

After she left, she continued to move on...while i continued to hold on. I held on throughout an 8 month separation, a very nasty 13 month divorce, and then for a year after the divorce.
I now am committed to putting my time and energy into investing in my own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended.

Antlers, first, (((( )))).

second, when given the choice, (and not all are) - I believe

it is FAR FAR better to have held on, perhaps for too long,

than to have let go, perhaps a bit too early.

If I must regret something (and that is not an eternal condition)

then I prefer regret about trying too hard or for too long,

than regret about quitting too soon or not giving enough of myself.

Make sure Your regrets are about how you were IN the marriage,

not how you tried, once you had seen the light.

Once you obtained the tools for a healthy relationship, you began using them and you still have them for your future and what YOU create for yourself.

Please see this as the blessing it is. And though the efforts have yielded some fruit already - the greatest harvest is yet to come.


There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in me.
And letting go is the key to my growth and development. I want to do this.

Letting go of our painful past and present day grudges, is essential to OUR happiness. (That is why your xw is still not happy...)


You are starting to let go. You will be happy again, and you will love again...it'll be so good.

[25yearsmlc]

I think wHat you are going through is part of the healing process and it svcks. Don't let that anger ruin the rest of what can be a great life. We are pulling for you

I said earlier that I'd made the decision and commitment on Halloween, just 7 weeks ago, to 'let go'...to realize that my marriage was over and accept it.

Notwithstanding the comment I made about holding on for long being better than quitting too early,

do NOT confuse that with justification for score keeping, which

You have done too much. And it holds YOU back, and does nothing to her.
(like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in her eyes...)

It does NOT promote "justice."

You honestly believe that you changed anyone's mind about the marriage by telling them the ex wife, their d had an affair?

Let me assure you ---> 90% of them will say YOU pushed her into the arms of the OM by the way you acted. Heck even you think there's some truth there.

It does not help anyone, least of all YOU, to bring that up again. It makes you look punitive, and vindictive and still holding on and keeping score.

All you have to do, IF anything is say "XW knows the real reasons behind our divorce. She knows choices WE BOTH MADE, ended our m.

I owned my mistakes and am a better man for it. I am not aware that xw has owned anything. Ask her if you like...." and leave it at that.

Your children will someday ask you questions and when they are ready, then you tell them..IF EVER.

My uncle left my wonderful aunt decades ago, for OW. He married OW after her own h killed himself. Uncle felt guilty that OW's kids were now fatherless so he left his own bio kids to marry OW and raise hers as his own....fair? Hell no.

My aunt never said a bad word about her ex b/c she placed her love for her children over her anger at her ex h. (You have not done this. You will be placing your anger, under the guise of "honesty/fairness" above their welfare if you choose to share that with them about their mother.

A few years ago my cousin asked her mother a question about the divorce and aunt finally said "your father wanted to be free to marry OW." Also, when OW (now his wife of decades) mentioned the anniversary, there was an overlap of years when aunt was still married to the uncle. So my cousin figured it all out.

She was hurt by her father's cowardly refusal to ever explain.

But she was so touched by her mother's (my aunt) protection of her relationship with her father. She admires her mom that much more now.

She still loves her dad, which is healthy for her. But she "gets it" now. Don't rush your kids into "reality" too soon. You'd be surprised at how well your xw will justify the affairs and you may come out looking a whole lot worse than you believe you deserve to be.

It's one thing to stand up for yourself, it's another to throw rocks.

SIDENOTE--my aunt is so much happier in her marriage now, than she ever could have been with a philandering h. In fact, her ex h still cheats on his "new" wife...


Since then I've been releasing all of my emotions that I was holding onto (including anger at the cheating and lying)...and trying to release my ex and the relationship in general. I realized that holding onto it was not going to help me heal my heartbreak. I've been working hard at it for 7 whole weeks! That's not a long time. I've been crying a lot. But I do feel that I'm on the road to 'letting go' and healing. I do want to get over this.

[antlers]

After she left, she continued to move on...while i continued to hold on. I held on throughout an 8 month separation, a very nasty 13 month divorce, and then for a year after the divorce.
I now am committed to putting my time and energy into investing in my own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended.

Antlers, first, (((( )))).
[color:#000066]I am truly working on this. From a healthy standpoint, and not in a selfish way. I'm trying to empower myself. That includes determining my own self worth.
second, when given the choice, (and not all are) - I believe

it is FAR FAR better to have held on, perhaps for too long,

than to have let go, perhaps a bit too early.

If I must regret something (and that is not an eternal condition)

then I prefer regret about trying too hard or for too long,

than regret about quitting too soon or not giving enough of myself.
I have NEVER looked at it that way before! That is some insight that I believe will help me. Thank You! I've been feeling bad because she started letting go long before she ever left...while I continued to hang on and put forth effort and hope for a reconciliation for 3 years after she left. She had a tremendously huge headstart on me at 'letting go'. I won't feel bad anymore for "trying too hard or for too long".
Make sure Your regrets are about how you were IN the marriage,

not how you tried, once you had seen the light.
I think it's about perspective...how I was IN the marriage, even though there was a time that I actually dod 'see the light'...and I wanted to use those tools to continue to be IN the marriage.
Once you obtained the tools for a healthy relationship, you began using them and you still have them for your future and what YOU create for yourself.
Once I obtained those tools, she was already 'done' evidently. I do still have them and I'd like to be able to use them at some point on down the line. I know that my future's up to me. It's scary and lonely right now, but I'm working on accepting full accountability for it and my emotions.
Please see this as the blessing it is. And though the efforts have yielded some fruit already - the greatest harvest is yet to come. Under the circumstances, I do see it as a blessing. I would not want to go back to being the man that I was before she left. I know in my heart, and those closest to me know, that I am not the same person I was in that relationship. I sure hope that "the greatest harvest is yet to come". I'm so sick of hurting and feeling like I have been for over 3 years.

[/color]
There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in me.
And letting go is the key to my growth and development. I want to do this.

Letting go of our painful past and present day grudges, is essential to OUR happiness. (That is why your xw is still not happy...) [color:#000066]This is exactly what I'm trying to do! I want to let go of all of that. But it's not easy. It should be because it hurts so bad...but it's not. As far as her happiness, her mother has 'assured' me that she's happy and hurts no more. And so have my two daughters. Regardless, I don't have any control over that, so I want to get to where I'm not concerned with it. She has even told me herself that she has "moved on".


You are starting to let go. You will be happy again, and you will love again...it'll be so good.[/color] I feel like I have made some progress in the last 7 weeks or so. I do look forward to being happy...and I look forward to the other too. I will do a better job when that time comes. Thank you for your insight and encouragement.