Where to next?

[whatisis]

Mish, have you ever tried AD's? Sometimes they can be an enormous help to people when they've fallen into deep thinking traps and can't seem to stop.
Btw, I understand your feelings re Mom, this is my first Christmas without my Dad. Difficult stuff!

[mishka422]

I took AD's after the bomb as well as Anti-anxiety meds. Of course now, I don't have any health insurance so just to walk into the Dr.'s office will cost me $150. Plus the cost of any tests, plus the cost of meds (I know for a fact that Lexipro in my pharmacy is $56 for 30 days). It's expensive to be ill in America. Gee, isn't that swell?

[whatisis]

Then try deep breathing, yoga, meditation and exercise! Any or all will help :)You can get yoga DVD's at the library and you don't have to be a trim and slim pretzel to do it! You just do what you can. I do Qi Gong (it's kind like Tai Chi) and it makes an awesome difference...when I actually do it! See if your library has any DVD's by Lee Holden, he has a show on PBS (his website is exercisetoheal.com). Finally, you can always drink till you pass out but that costs money so I'd skip it lol.

[MichelleLT]

kml, my best friend was in the same situation as Barb. And it took her bf a year and a half to say ILY back to her. Not because he didn't, but because he was terrified of what it would mean, how it would change their R, that she'd want to get engaged or something crazy. His issues and nothing to do with her.

It does happen. It is possible. And I think it's important to keep an open mind and consider the possibilities.

Keep the conversation going Mishka. His actions say he's there, he didn't leave you to cry on your own or pretend he didn't see. He obviously cares. You don't know a lot about what's going on in his head because it's not on the discussion list. Maybe it's time to start building ladders for those walls.

Tackle some of these conversations. Prove to yourself you can do it. Then keep doing it!

[kat727]

Maybe Gabe doesn't feel like he deserves it. But as you KNOW and everyone else has said, you aren't Gabe and don't have a clue what he is thinking. He is there for you and helps you. He helped with your Mom, he holds you when you cry. He is showing his love for you even if he hasn't said it.

There are things you need and you aren't even letting him know. You have gone through the worst that can happen. I know it is easier said than done but you need to let go of your fear.

Hugs, kat

[mishka422]

I know it is easier said than done but you need to let go of your fear.

And that my dear friend is the problem in a nutshell. The fears I have don't all stem from the destruction of our M either, they are long seeded issues that have caused me a lifetime of anxiety and nearly paralyzing fear.

A couple of months ago I saw a movie (on Lifetime of all places) where this teenage girl was date raped. I didn't read the description of the movie, I had just turned the channel on and left it on while I was doing some household chores. I ended up in the fetal position on the couch crying for 2 hours. Things like that open wounds. There have been so many situations in my young adult life where I needed help from someone outside of my family and when I got the courage up to ask for it I was basically told to 'f off'. These were people who I had helped over the years and it hurt so badly to know that I was worth so little to them that they would treat me that way. So I stopped asking, stopped trying, stopped being who I thought I was. That girl was open and caring. Now, I'm still caring but I'm not open at all.

So, how do you get past that place of fear? Therapy didn't do it. Books haven't helped. Meditating calms me down when I'm anxious but doesn't help me resolve the underlying problem. UGH!

Oh well, again, I will paste on the smile and go about the holiday crap that no longer holds any joy for me.

[MichelleLT]

You've had a lot of horrible things happen to you in your life. Of course you have fears and insecurities.

The question isn't whether they are valid, THEY ARE.

The question is whether you are going to let them stop you from living the life you want!

Therapy helped. Books give you resources. Meditation is a great resource. But you have to put those resources to use.

There is no underlying problem to resolve. You can't resolve your experiences. What you can change is now. What you can change is how much control over your life you give to them.

[kat727]

You do know that the rape wasn't your fault, right? People that don't have any compassion, not your fault either. As cliche as it sounds, I find peace in doing for others.

I also carry crystals, you all knew I had my quirks! Amythist and rose quartz right now. I got my spiritual peace and am now ready to open myself up to love. The rose quartz is for that. Maybe it is all about what you believe in. Have faith my friend.

kat

[mishka422]

My logical mind knows that none of it was directly my fault. I take ownership of what I know I've contributed to certain situations but the rape is one I don't claim in any way.

Knowing that in my direct thoughts is different than pulling down the walls that I erected to protect myself from people who hurt me.

Gabe is one of those people. My fear of him running again stops me from telling him anything I'm feeling or what I want. Heck, I've never been able to tell him what I want. There was one time early in our marriage I opened up him about what I was feeling and he shut me down so fast my head was spinning. Ever since that, a HUGE wall went up and I share nothing about my feelings.

Round and round and round we go....blah blah blah......time to shut up now. I sound like a broken record and I'm ticking myself off. I can't imagine what you guys are thinking!!! You want to shoot me I'm sure.

[MichelleLT]

You are a wonderful person. You are loved. We don't want to shoot you, we want to help. I'm pretty sure all of just want to help you feel better. To function better.

Gabe is one of those people. My fear of him running again stops me from telling him anything I'm feeling or what I want. Heck, I've never been able to tell him what I want. There was one time early in our marriage I opened up him about what I was feeling and he shut me down so fast my head was spinning. Ever since that, a HUGE wall went up and I share nothing about my feelings.

And that was a huge mistake on his part. But you are just compounding the problem by allowing the pattern to continue.

Is it possible he would leave again? Sure. But would it really be your fault? NO! You are a caring, wonderful, loving person who tries so hard to make everyone's life easier. If he can't value that, he doesn't deserve you. You know better than I do that a lot of what happened with him leaving was related to his depression, his issues, and while it's all good to take ownership of your part in the problems, don't take on more than you deserve!

Feel the fear and do it anyways. Look for little opportunities to share with him. Give him a chance to be there for you. Give him a chance to make it up to you. Give him some insight into you, let him feel like he's a part of things.

We are all human. We can't be unbiased and compassionate and empathetic 100% of the time. We all have our bad days, days when we aren't the friends and partners we should be. But don't let other people's bad days control you.