I kind of wish I didn't have different threads going, but I am going to post here.
I have reached "The Bitter(-sweet) End" of my complicated relationship with my 3 year old's father. There is a chapter in the book "Men Who Can't Love" and relationships with commitment phobic men about "The Bitter End". This has been my first experience with a truly commitment phobic man. I found this book shortly after I met this man (as a friend) and before we became intimate. He was pretty much a textbook example. I felt sorry for him. I didn't think I would get hurt with him because I didn't expect us to get "serious" and I certainly didn't expect to get tied to him for life through a child.
I was horrified to find out I was pregnant for lots of reasons. But the WORST was that I knew there would be NO good way out. I thought I had REALLY ruined my life. I knew this man didn't love me and would never love me--yes, I could have "settled" for the closeness we had, but I knew from reading the book that heartbreak was in store, even though I wasn't "IN LOVE". I knew that even if he married me for the sake of the child, he would not be able to meet the needs a woman has in marriage. I prayed so desperately for a miscarriage when I first found out I was pregnant. I didn't know till she was born if he would even be involved in her life, although I was quite sure he would pay child support.
I have very firm convictions that EVERY child deserves to be conceived within marriage. I believe that EVERY child deserves to grow up in a 2 parent home with parents who love and respect each other. So, I struck out on both of these points already.
As expected (Steven Carter and Julie Sokol are spot-on about these men with commitment/intimacy issues and Susan Page has lots of good information about them to in "If I'm So Wonderful, Why an I Still Single?") our close, happy friendship eventually started making him feel uncomfortable and he started putting up barriers, displaying distancing behaviors, etc. I knew what was going on (I read the book!) and I tried to understand and adapt.
There is something else going on here, whether just a personal belief (like I have) or a cultural issue. He has not wanted me to get involved with another man. But when he sees that I NEED what he can't give me, he tells me he's okay if I find somebody else, but when I actually start dating, he gets upset (the first time it happened 2 years ago he told me I could either get married and have a husband OR I could have my daughter living with me...that was my choice) then I get upset and we have been through this cycle several times, but it seems like he gets a little more comfortable (maybe?) and seems a little calmer. He knows he is being unreasonable.
Anyway, I am seeing someone now, but I will just keep the details to myself. He tends to always ask if I'm seeing someone, how my dates go, etc. I allowed it for a while, but my therapist says I'm too open. And I was really offended when he called me after one date and said all friendly, "I was just calling to say how your date was!" And I told him how nice the guy was and how we had a pleasant evening, but then he says, "Did you sleep with him?" He asked me about 2 weeks ago about the last date I was on, and I told him the guy was nice, but there was no physical attraction. I don't know why I even answer him when HE gets mad if he is with my daughter and I ask where they are (playground, eating, etc).
I have been in therapy on a weekly basis since May and I have some medication and I have really done everything I can to work out a mutually satisfying relationship with my little one's Dad.
My HUGE hurdle to overcome was my INSISTENCE that children deserve for their parents to be together, and I knew it had to be adapted somewhat in our case (since we would not live together and he wasn't "in love" with me). It has been almost 4 years and I have only JUST NOW, REALLY accepted this truth: "Children need to see their parents happy even more than they need to see them 'together'."
For most of this last year, we have been pretty comfortable, eating a meal together on Monday nights as a family--my daughter's idea. But after our "experiment" of trying to be a "couple" rather than simply "co-parents" failed (nothing changed, other than it was part of the process of "moving on".), I suggested that we stop having the meals together and he keep her Tuesday overnight instead of just having me bring her to have supper as a family on Monday night, and picking her up after school and his supper with her on Tuesday night.
It is so hard to disconnect. But not long after that, I saw something on TV about how important it is for families to eat together and soon after, my daughter told me she wanted her father to "come to our house and eat lots of food at our table" and I asked her Dad about it and he said he'd like that. He said again it was okay for me to date and she could live with me and he wouldn't make trouble in any way (my therapist says "We'll see").
I wanted a close, trusting, PLATONIC relationship with him so I can feel safe with him and trust him. I want him to care about me (I think he does in a way) and I like for us to do things as a family even if there is no affection, sex, romance, marriage, etc.
There was an incident lately where something happened and he mislead me about what went on. I was really surprised at the level of deceit and I really am sick of this distancing behavior of his. He told me before we got intimate that "Openness is essential in any type of business/personal relationship. I appreciate people being open with me and I try to do the same". And OF COURSE, openness and honesty are CRITICAL. I have pretty much never caught him in a lie, but his deceit (it is a distancing behavior and he does it to cope with having to be close to me)is just tiresome and this recent incident was just what I needed to bring clarity to the situation.
I feel like I have broken through a wall. The answer to our situation if for us to end this relationship and start a new one with the same person, and I will eventually find a different person to meet my emotional needs that are not appropriate to even address in this new co-parenting relationship. He has no attraction to me BUT he does recognize that I am a good mother. I am a good teacher.
SOOOOOO.....I will simply see/treat him in the same way as I would our child's preschool teacher (caregiver)and I will expect him to see/treat him as he would her teacher. Civil, open communication ONLY ABOUT THE CHILD. No reason (usually) to call and "check in" when she is with him or vice/versa. A Christmas present would be appreciated but NOT expected. No questions about "so, are you seeing anyone?" or "How was your date?" or "Have you had sex lately?" No having dinners or playground time together. No trips or vacations together. No visiting each other's houses.
So, that's the plan. We will see how it goes.
I will not volunteer any info about my social life and if he asks, I will give minimal info and tell him if he is having any anxiety or concerns about me, I can recommend a good therapist for him to talk to about it. I asked him back in August to either get help so he could get close to me OR get help to deal with his anxiety about me getting close to somebody else.
