The not so Waste Land

[Harrier]

Ill read it and give my thoughts brutha.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier as long as you are not compromising your boundaries? As long as you aren't accepting breadcrumbs as a whole loaf of bread?

IF you wanted her to run a mile and she only ran 200 yards? And you allowed yourself to accept that instead of the whole mile?

I don't know if that is the case here.

You know the whole situation, so as long as your true to yourself, and your goals, you'll be fine.

My wife and I also moved back in together for financial reasons, but I'm not sure I would have if sleeping in sperate rooms was part of the deal. We were also heading in the direction and had been talking about it for several months prior to it though.

Put as much thought into this as you can.

[Harrier]

The problem is telling a starving man that he can't bread crumbs. LOL.

I've love to get a female perspective on this.

Boundaries or want's or expectations? For me this is hard to discern.

200 yards to someone who hasn't run can be as tough as a mile. For me 200 yards isn't even a warm up.

I still have to confirm things next week.

[angel61]

My thoughts?...

You can't force anyone to do anything. You can set your boundaries but they should be one that you should be willing to stand by.

Remember that in this journey, we are not on the same level as our spouses are. While you are already at the 1 mile mark, she may be only willing or able to run 200 yards, and thats because she still has all that baggage weighing her down. Not to say that you don't have any of your own, but you may be stronger or had a head start. Maybe if you are patient, and wait for her to divest herself of her baggage, she will be able to catch up with you.

The reasons why she isn't able to catch up may be varied: Maybe you set a boundary, say something like if she doesn't catch up in 3 hours thats it, or maybe you keep running ahead whenever she is almost there, or maybe you come back and push her back when she is almost there. Or maybe she herself decided that she doesn't want to run.... is that how you see it?

Many people had advocated tough love to me, and I did try the boundaries-ultimatum thing but it did not work and just served to push H away. Now, I am seeing the results of being patient and letting things play out.

Acceptance? Unconditional love? You know, it may sound very doormat like, but in the end, I found that it really did matter. As long as you go about it in a dignified manner and don't beg or show how miserable you are, but that you love and accept your W and her struggles, and will stand and wait in dignity while she finds her way, in the meantime you work on yourself and make yourself the best person. My H told me that he admired how I could love and accept him after all he did, and I think that knowledge is a big part of why he has decided to commit back to our M.

[sgctxok]

Hi Harrier-

Happened to read your thread.

With kudo to T.S. Eliot.

I was re-reading the "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." I stumbled across this line that hit home.

"Should I, , after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?"

I think I have in the past been doing that too much. "Forcing a moment to its crisis." I love that line and I love that idea.

I love this too....and your thread...AND I'm glad you're giving advice on the board and especially newcomers.

I think you describe on this thread, the root of piecing. It's so much easier to DB when you're just trying to get your spouse's attention, to change your behavior in order to get another chance. The REAL work is getting back into the nitty gritty the ins an outs that are propelled sometimes by emotion or desires and sometimes by externals (like $$). It's messy.

In a scenario earlier you mentioned, it wasn't pure DBing, but it WAS. Your needs and wants are as important as hers. Not moreso, but as much. Sometimes it's give give give, and sometimes it's give and take, and sometimes, you really feel it's time to receive, have your boundaries observed.

I think you do it well, that you are a great example.

IMHO -- sometimes folks jump the gun too fast (or not fast enough). I think you're a great example.

Unfortunately, after folks get DBing for awhile, or in certain crowds on the board, they get really focused on the fact their spouse isn't responding versus changing their own behavior. But, their is a time, when the spouse needs to be changing their behavior...there has to be a dance, a give and take.


Anyway, now I'm rambling, which is why I post short a good deal of the time, because, if I don't, I ramble.

I'm thankful for your presence, your posts, your help on the board.

Wishing you the best,
sg

[Still learning]

H. Best wishes to you and yours for a good new year. I'm likely to be away for a bit as we relocate.

[Harrier]

Journaling.

Simply put, we had an awesome christmas (with one hiccup). We went to CO to spend 7 days with our families. We did a lot of fun stuff as a family - sledding, going to the museum, shopping, dinners out, etc. I took a lot of 25s advice and tried to put things on hold and just enjoy my family, wife, kids.

I found out that GAL is 1000 times easier being around my family and in my old hometown. One night my son and I spent the night with my brother. We went bowling and just hung around. It was very easy to keep any focus off my wife and I think it help my wife relax a lot even thought I was was physically around her quite a bit.

A few odds and ends. My wife spent a ton of time around my mother for some reason. I can't quite explain it. It's not like they were good friends before - they always had a cordial relationship. But my W went above and beyond - she even spent the night at her house with my other son instead of spending the night with her parents. She also had lunch and dinner with her alone. Very unusual (I would love to get a woman's take on this if any)

We spent part of Christmas eve with my wife's extended family. Two of her female cousins are about my W's age. Both are unmarried and not in relationships. they are both attractive, but look older than their age. My W made the comment "I would hate to be in their shoes still looking for someone."

She also talked about me moving back - asking a couple of times if I had told my landlord yet. Then she made a joke about what I could tell him.

We also slept in the same bed during the whole trip even though I could've take the couch at a couple of places.

The hiccup. on Thursday (the night I spent at my brothers) I looked at my phone and saw about 6 calls from my W and 4 or so texts. All basically said the same thing "Call me." So I call her. She then says her mentor (best friend of the OM) called her and said "It looks like you called me from your Husband's phone."
My W was really upset about this. She didn't want her boss/mentor to get freaked out because I was calling him and hanging up or worse like accusing him of something. the OM told the mentor about my call and visit to his office from last year (as detailed in a prior post )

The problem....I didn't call. I didn't even accidentally dial. When I finally got a hold of my W, I told her but she basically said she didn't believe me. I went over to my mom's house (to go sledding with the kids& cousins) and we went into another room to talk. She started again asking why I called. I kept saying I didn't . I show her my phone with the most recent calls (dialed and received) which she dismissed. I told her to check the phone records online and she said she would.

She told me that she didn't believe me when I said I didn't call. She was going to check the phone records and if she was wrong she said "I owe you a big apology"

She later acknowledged that her reaction was a bit overboard, but she felt it justified. She said that her mentor is a big part of the reason she is where she is and that she needs him professionally. A bit later she added that "I need you too. "

The phone records didn't update for a day. to this day I don't know if she looked at them or not, but she hasn't' apologized. I'm not going to pull an "I told you so" and bring it up.

Of course, when we got home late last night she goes into our bed room and I'm in the other room. I have about another month of the other place and I'm think I'm going to bring up sleeping in the same bed.....in due time of course.

[2thepoint]

Hey Harrier - I'm not 25 but saw you reach out to her and so I thought I'd drop by to see whats up. Here's my take:

Sounds like a lot of really good interaction over the holiday which seems to me to be a good thing when you are in the process of piecing things back together.

Trying not to mind read but the time your W spent with your mother is telling. Without knowing the full nature of your sitch but looking from the outside, in I would say that your W is making a real effort to change as you are. You said she didn't have a strong relationship with your mother so maybe she is trying to change that.

I think she may also be trying to better understand YOU from the perspective of your mother. Kind of like, "what is it that makes Harrier tick" so that she can adapt and better understand how to make things work between you two.

Regarding the supposed call to the Mentor and friend of OM, I think if there were trust issues between you two and your W truly believed that you made the call, I can sort of understand her reaction. Of course, since you didn't make the call it is going to be important that that point be proven in a loving way so that the trust you two are trying to reestablish isn't ruined.

Maybe confirm for yourself that you didn't make the call by accident and then ask your W if she had had a chance to check the phone records because "it is important for building and maintaining trust that you are confident that I did not make the call." This way it is not so much of an "I told you so" as it is more of "I really need for us to trust each other."

Anyway, that's my take. One has to wonder though if this wasn't a set up on the part of the OM to drive a wedge between you and your W.

All things considered, it really looks like things are moving in a super positive direction for you. I wish you continued success in your endeavor!

[MynameisMZ]

DITTO....I had the same thoughts as 2thepoint about reason W spent time with your mother, the importance of reviewing the phone records because it may be a set-up. In fact, was going to respond when my new calendar was delivered and I took a pause, came back and didn't have to.

[angel61]

I also made sure I was close to my in laws when my H and I were having trouble. If I analyze subconscious motives, I could think of the following:
1. To make sure I have their support in case H does something drastic
2. To show H that we are one big happy family

I think you are both having some progress. About the phone thing, don't bring it up again. It will just bring up bad feelings. A friend once told me that if you make a big deal of something, then it will become a big deal. I have kept that in mind and whenever there is an issue between me and H, I think about that statement. Sometimes, when I just decide to bury it, it works for the best.

Happy New Year!