Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Nblost,

I cannot imagine the pain of living with someone who is having an affair with your knowledge, that must be just brutal. Congratulations on getting him to agree to counseling, that can only help. Be very diligent about the counselor you choose, I had to go through 3 before I found one I felt good about.

I'm still having a hard time with my own behavior. W and I talked last week about the fact that our ML frequency is falling off again. She told me she would "step it up". We're in an agreement now where she initiates and I do not. I figured this weekend we'd connect. Friday, Saturday, Sunday night just went to sleep together. She has a business trip Tuesday - Thursday this week, then we have family coming. By Monday I was like "ok, I'm sure we'll do it tonight and everything will be fine, keep it together."

Monday night she comes home from work in a bad mood -- things not going well at work. She had to work after the kids went to bed. We eventually went to bed together, watched a little TV and she started passing out. At that point I was disappointed and I couldn't sleep. She noticed I wasn't sleeping and asked (groggy) if I wanted to ML. I told her it was ok, just go to sleep. She was in a bad mood, obviously tired, and I have a *thing* with feeling like I'm "taking" when we ML. There was no chance she was into it, so I decided to let it go. Decided not to cuddle because it would make me too crazy and rolled the other way.

NOT GOOD ACCURAY! She feels she doesn't measure up, has a hair trigger for inadequacy, and I made her feel badly, that she wasn't meeting my expectations.

So angry with myself. I knew I was doing it in the moment but I couldn't deal.

I'm really caught in a spot here -- I want to foster a safe, supportive R for W, but my sex life is unsatisfying and when I go too long, I get sad / pouty / not myself.

I feel I was conditioned over so many years of rejection to feel like if it's been too long, it's never going to happen again. That's a place of fear I need to learn to deal with.

I'm so frustrated with myself today.

Accuray