The other night (Friday) I was feeling particularly down. H and I hadn't really spent a lot of time together from Thur. to Friday as he is starting a business and has been pretty preoccupied with that and our D had her dance dress rehearsal Thur. and Friday night. We were supposed to meet Friday evening after D rehearsal for dinner. He was supposed to meet us at the theater at 6pm, and when he hadn't shown up I called him. He said he was at a bar up the street, and I instantly was annoyed. Now looking back, I shouldn't have been as upset by this as I was given that he'd tried calling me twice because he was running late so he decided to stop off there since it was close and wait for me to call. He said he'd thought that maybe the rehearsal was running a little late and didn't want to disrupt us.
Anyway, so being that I obviously showed my annoyance with him, he shut down. He ended up going to fix his mother's kitchen sink and said we'd meet up for dinner afterward. When I called him to tell him that we were finished, he then said that he wasn't hungry and to get me and D something to eat on the way home. By this time I'm feeling completely disregarded. I was looking forward to dinner with H and D.
So we get home and D immediately gets in the shower. H and I start talking and I tell him how I felt. He apologized and explained where he was coming from, and then it lead into a R talk. I finally was able to tell H where I was coming from. How I've been feeling in regards to trying to heal from what I knew of him and the OW. I told him every emotion I was feeling and how it's completely changed me. I told him I was broken and that I was trying to figure out how to heal and that I didn't know how. I told him how psycho I've been feeling and that I didn't blame him if he couldn't handle my feelings and emotions, that I could barely stand myself. He kept apologizing for how I felt and said that he understood that his actions led me to feeling this way. He was very remorseful. He then started crying and asked if I was trying to say goodbye without saying it. He said if felt like I was trying to get him to say goodbye for me so I didn't have to. I told him I wasn't, that I just didn't know how to heal, trust and feel secure again.
He offered to quit his job as OW works there and he knows how hard it is on me during the week knowing that he will see her from time to time. He said he's been really trying and doing things that he's never done before in hopes of showing me his commitment to me and our family. I told him that I wouldn't ask him to do that, but that I appreciated his offer. I told him to just hold on tighter when he feels me pulling away and he said he would hold on as tight as he possibly could.
Ironically the following song was playing in the background and it couldn't be more perfect so I'd like to share the lyrics with you guys. It's called "Everything Changes" by Staind. Read the words and if you have time listen to it:
If you just walked away What could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose The closet you cannot close The devil in you i suppose 'Cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel
Sometimes the things I say In moments of disarray Succumbing to the games we play To make sure that it's real
But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel
When it's just me and you Who knows what we could do If we can just make it through The toughest part of the day
But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could Learn how to feel Then we could Stay here together And we could Conquer the world If we could Say that forever Is more than just a word
If you just walked away What could I really say? And would it matter anyway? It wouldn't change how you feel
Love and Hugs to you all!!
FB
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
