I've been reading along here for a couple of weeks, and I feel it's time to post my story.
My H and I have been together since college, inseparable, best friends, always doing stuff together. We got M fairly young, me:23, H24. We waited 4 more years until we had our son. I'd like to think that we had a very good relationship overall. Sure, there were bumps along the way, but we were able to stick together and get them resolved.
For the past year or so, things have been getting very stressful for me, mainly job related. I was not able to cope with the amount of stress and withdrew emotionally. H tried to help occasionally, and I'd blow him off, saying that everything is fine and it's all in his head. I became emotionally withdrawn, which, it turns out, resulted in me pushing him away. He's always been a great guy, helps with the household, is a great dad. He's a 50-50 kind of guy.
The day after Thanksgiving he dropped the bomb. He said he was done. He was burnt out. He said I treated him so badly that there was nothing left in him for me. He says we're different people now. We're not in sync. He says he gave all he had and got nothing in response. In the end, his feelings for me are gone.
A couple of months prior, he had been out to a bar with friends and gave his phone number to a girl. She contacted him 6 weeks later and they had a 3-4 day texting back and forth "affair". That was prior to the bomb. He came home one day, broke down and asked for my forgiveness. I had been working hard at learning how to forgive and put that behind me. That incidence opened my eyes real wide. Somehow I snapped out of the state I had been for months and it felt like I fell in love with my H all over again. Yes, I was afraid to lose him, but I was also seeing the great qualities and our relationship, and I wanted him to know that I love him. I thought things between us were improving greatly, but a month later he dropped the bomb.
He has been at home until this morning. He packed up a few things and said he needed to get away from me, and that he'd be back on Friday.
We've talked a lot since the bomb was dropped. I admitted that he didn't deserve to be treated that way (though I was never mean or intentional). I did have mood swings, seemed frustrated with the job situation and probably expressed signs of depression. I wanted to improve our lives, and while trying to do that, I was achieving the opposite. He seems very angry and frustrated. He says that he does not want to be at home, that it stresses him out. He's been very impatient with DS4 for a few months now, constantly yelling at him, sending him into time out, etc. He admitted that he was jealous of DS4, and that I always go against him and give in. That is not true, but that's now how he sees it.
I also found out that he's been spilling his heart out to a female coworker, who he claims has been a great listener. She's barely out of college, what does she know about relationships? According to H, they are just friends, but can you say EA?
I am making an appointment to see a MC this week, hopefully. H is not willing to go, so I will go by myself. I've read DR and have been following some of the threads here. It's helped me a lot to see things, but it's so hard to do some of them. I've tried the 180's and Act-If's. Since H is always wanting to "talk" about our situation, it's been very hard trying not to defend myself or say certain things. He's been very hurtful and very stubborn with what he says. It hurts so much, but I'm not convinced we are over. There is so much to be saved, if only he could see it. He literally turned off his feelings with the flip of a switch. I know I can't do anything about his feelings. I have been trying not to keep him from taking the space that he needs, but it's so hard. I told him he should do what he needs to do. Even though it will be "only" 3 days until he's back, I don't know what to expect.
I've talked to a couple of people about this, but I feel so lonely. I don't have many friends as I've been too focused on parenting and work, that I haven't taken much time to do stuff for myself, especially for the past year. I know I need to GAL, and I will try, but it's not easy with a kid. Since I work full time, I feel like I don't get much time to spend with DS4 as it is.
I feel like my world is crushing on me and I'm losing my one and only person. I want to learn how to fix my mistakes and start the marriage fresh. He can't seem to want to let go of how much I hurt him. Until he's willing to do that, I'll have to do my best to hang in there and move on. Though this is not the best of situations, I am learning a lot about myself and the things I would like to improve. I'm determined to become a better person, regardless of what happens. I just don't want to think about my life without my H. I want him there with me!
Oh, so he "left" this morning, but emailed me from work a couple of times. He's asking me how I'm doing? How does he think I'm doing?! He's acting concerned all of a sudden, asking me if I'm eating. He said I'm the mother of his child, and he wants to know if I'm ok. Urgh!
