For those of you who now my sitch, my H is again saying he is not happy. I noticed his somber mood for a couple of weeks now. To summarize our history:
1 - (from 2008 to Sept 2009) H and I argue constantly over everything. I am angry; he felt his feeling were ignored 2 - (Sept 2009) I search his emails and phone messages and found out about EA with OW 3 - (Sept 2009 to Nov 2009) H and I attempt counseling, but counselor was not pro-marriage and told my husband that since he had one foot out the door, that he should just leave; I moved into other bedroom 4 - (Nov 2009 to Dec 2009) H and I try to get along, but the week before Christmas, he tells me that I should spend Christmas with someone else because he didn't want to spend Xmas with me 5 - (XMAS Eve 2009) H packs and leaves our house to move into a hotel near OW 6 - (Jan 2010 to March 2010) H is seeing OW and being truly ugly and disgusting towards me; has me served with papers to separate 7 - (March 2010) I have emotional breakdown and want to end my life; fortunately and with God's grace, I pray 8 - (April 2010) H is deployed to Afghanistan 9 - (May 2010) I begin to GAL and re-associate myself with friends and some family 10 - (June 2010 to July 2010) GAL'g and having a good time; traveling and getting to know a better me 11 - (Jul 2010 to Aug 2010) H is attempting to contact me via email and phone from overseas. I was dark, so I did not respond. 12 - (Late Aug 2010)H emails me to say he misses me and asks if he has lost me 13 - (Sept 2010 to Oct 2010) H and I email and Skype almost daily 14 - (Nov 2010) I traveled to Norway to meet H; nothing physical happen and we really get to know each other and spend time together 15 - (Dec 2010 to Feb 2011) H and I continue to talk 16 - (April 2011) H returns home 17 - Fast foward to December 2011; H seems distant and depressed
I am not sure what to do or say at this point, every time I ask as question, I think he notices old patterns and so do I. How do I prevent myself from going down that path again? Any suggestions is appreciated.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Have you stopped focusing on YOU? Did YOU revert back to old habits? Those are the questions that you need to answer.
Make this again about YOU.....not HIM.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
And it's okay to suggest to him that maybe his unhappiness is NOT about you, perhaps he needs treatment for depression?
Unfortunately, many military men have gone through repeated deployments resulting in multiple concussions, which significantly increases the risk of depression (we know this from studying football players).
Maybe I did stop focusing on me. I just noticed a somber ness in him and assumed it was us or me and maybe I introduced that thought to him. He is not sleeping, he is drinking, and for a guy who is usually very fit and active, he has become somewhat lazy. He sits on the couch just watching TV all day every weekend for the last 3 weeks.
In addition, the former OW has just moved into the same building where he now works; it is around the corner from where we live. I guess I am wondering if "they" have started up again.
I need to GAL. I did go out with friends last night. H called me several times. When I got home, he said he was worried. He didn't read my email regarding me going to happy hour with friends.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Good on going out with friends - you got a response. GAL works for you. Apologize for the communication problem and keep moving forward. If he's watching TV all weekend, invite him to do something fun with you. Movie? Bowling? Indoor go-carts? work out together?
Drinking... Does he buy the booze himself or is it just in the house? You could try not keeping any in the house so he has to get his butt off the couch to go get some!!!
Are you seeing a counselor? Does the military have a support group for spouses? He might have PTSD. Unfortunately with that or with depression, you cannot force someone to get help. They have to do that on their own. But if you see a counselor, it might help you get through supporting him during this time.
As for the OW... you need to determine what you are willing to put up with. What makes you wonder if they have started up again? Is he gone without explanation or not where he says he is? Have you found any texts or e-mails?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
The booze is just in the house. We had his family over in July and we bought a lot of items. When I invite him to do something, he says, honey, I am happy just sitting here wathing tv. This is SOOOO unlike him. I am still seeing my IC, but I am going to look for a MC - a pro-marriage one. I guess i am so worried about his moods that I am over-analyzing the situation and making more of it than it is. I think he is viewing my questions as the "same behavior". I just want to make sure he is ok.
He left for work this morning a little agitated.
In terms of the OW, I have asked him about her, but I have decided to ot bring her back into the relationship. I guess I wondered about if it started again because his behavior now is similar to what happened when he left home in 2009.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Hi DU. I was told to check out your post (from brenalim) and I just read everything from the beginning. I'm a similar sitch... My H wants out. We just found out yesterday that he will be deployed to Afg. in July this year, for 385 days. After reading all your posts, I'm emotionally in the same place you were when your H was getting ready to leave- depressed, hopeless, questioning my faith. I've read that you and your H were able to start piecing (yeah!) and now that things seem to be going downhill, I'm very sorry. I can only imagine your roller coaster of emotions right now.
I'm finding it very hard to GAL. I feel like I need to spend every moment with my H before he leaves, but he wants nothing to do with that. We are currently still in the same house, but he just got an offer from a friend to move in with him until he deploys
Being a fellow military wife, you can understand the 'normal' traumas of a deployment and the emotions that come with that alone.... now add it to M issues, and you have a 'perfect storm' of depression and sadness. Any suggestions you have for me would be greatly appreciated My thread is in 'newcomers: too little too late' (sorry I don't have it to copy here). BTW, I am also in VA and will continue to live here while he's deployed so my kids can have a consistent environment (school, friends, etc)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hi Purgatory. I commented on your post. Again, please don't make the mistake I did and fizzle on the GAL'g. It is the one things that helps you and possibly your M. Stay strong!!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Again, please don't make the mistake I did and fizzle on the GAL'g. It is the one things that helps you and possibly your M. Stay strong!!
And I would only add....detach...detach...detach...
Make this about YOU not him. Focus on YOU.
That said, let me ask you a question Purgatory....what does focus on you mean to YOU?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
My thread is in 'newcomers: too little too late' (sorry I don't have it to copy here).