WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Thx CO. I don't doubt that it happened... I just question why she didn't say anything if it made her feel so uncomfortable. And her moving to a new bedroom doesn't bother me...mfrankly it would be a relief of sorts, especially as quirky as she's become about me seeing her nude or in just bra/panties.

It's the telling the kids... And as I look at it if we end up telling them two or three weeks earlier than the original plan... Well, in the big scope of things does it matter that much? Just a few less weeks for dbing and not really since she still wouldn't be moving it until April.

[workinghardguy]

Last night at church we were asked three questions in the homily...

What darkness do you fear in the coming year?
What light do you seek in th coming year?
What light do you bring in th coming year?

I couldn't bring myself to get up and share, I wouldn't have been able to keep it together. But I believe my answers would've been...

I fear the darkness of loss, grieving, and rejection
I seek the light of forgiveness, the ability to forgive, and compassion
I bring the light of love

[LITB]

Don't beat yourself up too much WHG. She was going to find something to blow up at you about at some point. You don't even know if what she is accusing of is true. Sounds a bit ridiculous to be honest with you.

Also, don't think that you only have a short time to DB. You have more time than you think. Continue to improve yourself and be a great father.

[workinghardguy]

Thx LITB... Yes, I realize she would find something... I just panicked this morning. Short sleep does not make a clear mind. If it wasn't this it would be something else...

And you're right of course... I only have a short time to DB as far as her not moving out and sparing the kids that turmoil, but I have as long as I want for dbing after that... I've actually started giving thought though to whether that's the road I want and why I want it. For now it is, but if I've learned anything it's to stay flexible and open-minded as all of this unfolds.

[labug]

Perhaps she looking for a reason to make this all about you.

[NLW]

WHG,

If it helps at all, my H has been saying "We need to tell the kids" for the last 5 months, but he never gets around to it.

I think it's one of those things they feel they need to do in order to get 'unstuck' -and to convince themselves they are actually doing what they think they need to do to feel better about themselves.

And aside from the pain of it, you're right about the sense of relief that not having her in your bed might bring.
The tension must be huge.

You can get through this. It's obvious from your posts that you are a decent, thoughtful person who's a great father to a loving son. Those things will never change.

Best, NLW

[workinghardguy]

I know... my W's been saying it for at least the last two, going on three now. If she really does move out we will have to tell the kids though... otherwise they'll get suspicious when they're living in a different house

I've stopped freaking out over it... if she does want to move the timeline up, ok. What's a couple weeks really. If she wants to move to the basement, ok... her choice. Though this morning while on the treadmill I looked around at the basement and thought to myself that I put it at a 30% chance she actually does it. There's a lot of picking up, cleaning, and rearranging that would have to happen. She knows not to ask me to help because I won't.

I could see us telling the kids, but her not actually moving downstairs, whatever. But at some point, which is rapidly approaching, she's going to have to poop or get off the pot. She's made it clear to me (and everyone else) that she's moving April 1. Ok... well, you best start getting on that then.

I've identified that my W has a pattern. She gets anxious about some aspect of this and gets all in a tizzy about it. We then sit down and have a convo about it, make some small decisions and then nothing happens. Like the D... a few weeks back she was all anxious. I sent her some proposals and ideas about asset division, the house, child custody... I actually expected some reply, some type of back and forth, but there was nothing. She's never even mentioned them again. Yesterday morning... "we need to set a date to tell the kids"... ok... and then yesterday morning and again last night, nothing.

Yesterday was ok... I was kind of a mess. Spent most of the day feeling like I let the kids down. That's my biggest weakness right now, feeling like I've failed them somehow. W worked until late so didn't have to see her much. I was wrapping gifts in the basement when she got home and then I went to bed as soon as I got done. Ironically we both went to bed at the same time and crawled into bed together.

This morning she's in mega-pullback mode. She gathered her makeup and hair stuff and relocated to the upstairs bathroom (I shower downstairs). Up until this point she's always gotten ready even while I showered. My gut tells me she got too close after I came back from being gone... things really were open those first three days... and it scared her so she's really pulling back. I'm just keeping on like I don't care. Didn't even tell her goodbye or I'm leaving this morning, just gave the kids hugs and kisses and walked out the door.

[2thepoint]

"My gut tells me she got too close after I came back from being gone... things really were open those first three days... and it scared her so she's really pulling back. I'm just keeping on like I don't care. Didn't even tell her goodbye or I'm leaving this morning, just gave the kids hugs and kisses and walked out the door."

So you think she is scared and instead of keeping the path home smooth and paved, you ignore her and leave without saying goodbye? And how does that help your cause? Just asking...

My opinion about telling the kids is that they already know something is up with you and your W. It is written all over both of your faces. If you aren't or can't tell the kids right now then you should at least try to do something that eases some of the tension.

We've already established that your week away seemed to have triggered some changes, so maybe some more detachment would help. Maybe you move downstairs to the basement, (suck it up and do it instead of waiting for your W to make the first move). If nothing else, it will force your W to own up to her actions and realize that she is moving down a perilous path and that a course correction may be needed. And maybe, just maybe the tension will ease some since there will now be some space between you two.

Just an idea, WHG.....

[Rick1963]

"So you think she is scared and instead of keeping the path home smooth and paved, you ignore her and leave without saying goodbye? And how does that help your cause? Just asking..."

2tp is right about this^^^^^. I did that also an was told that it made me look like a petulant child. ouch!!! So I say high when I get home and bye when I leave. If W wants to talk she will but I don't initiate it. Tough leaving under the same roof under these conditions.

[workinghardguy]

I don't know if I agree. She clearly wants her space right now, so I am giving it to her. Maybe I was stinging from her relocating her makeup and stuff so maybe it was me being petulant... not sure.

This is one of those gray areas to me... and where folks on this board will come down frequently with advice both ways. It's not that I didn't talk to her this morning, just that I didn't go out of my way to seek her out and say goodbye.

As far as telling the kids... we've simply been following the guidance of my IC and the one IC appointment she had. Both C's said that, because of their ages, we shouldn't tell them until 4-6 weeks before the move. That if we told them last month or now they will simply have to grieve, and then have that grief reactivated every single morning, for much longer than is necessary. Also neither did we, nor did the C's, think it was a good idea to tell them near the holidays. In fact we had discussed February because SS's birthday is Jan, S's is in March, and SD's is in April. We didn't want to attach the event to their birthdays either.