PA - Confirmed - Blinkers are off.

[NYCPeter]

D7's birthday today - not a good start.
D9 was up half the night having problems sleeping - so I moved her to the spare bedroom and ended up staying up half the night with her.

No idea what time W came home from work - woke up at 8:30 - Went downstairs for breakfast. D7 had already opened all her gifts with W and D9. Is it unreasonable to expect to be there when she opens gifts from us?

I was upset - told my W that it would be nice if she had either woken me up or delayed opening the gifts until I came down. W said that I'm not usually there when D7 opens gifts on her b'day - well that's because normally I leave for work before she gets up.

I just felt it's another sign of her excluding me from things.

Girls are with grandparents for most of the day - I'll pick them up late this afternoon and go for dinner.

D7 piano recital and then birthday party tomorrow.

[antlers]

It was disrespectful for your W to have your daughter open her birthday gifts while you were home and not include you. That's a fact.
Your feelings about that are correct.

[NYCPeter]

Journaling :

The rest of the weekend went fairly well.
Great to let D7 enjoy her birthday weekend and try to forget about everything else - she didn't want the weekend to end. I did get a thought every now and then that this is likely the last one we have together as a family - but it it what it is.

Neither of us initiated conversations over the weekend outside of talk about the girls and plans for Christmas.

One thing that bugged me about D7's birthday party - my W wasn't wearing her rings, to me she's advertizing that we're no longer together, I'm sure none of the other parents noticed but I sure did.

Got some good news - my sister confirmed she will be visiting from London and staying with us for a week over the New Year. I'm sure my W will be working as much as she can - that's fine, we'll plan things with the girls as they'll be off school. Looking forward to it as I haven't seen her for 4 years (though we talk regularly).

D9's birthday on the 24th - we won't be having a party until the New Year as it's difficult to get everyone together at this time of year.

[NYCPeter]

Had a bad night.

Got home from work late, D7 was up and we had a great chat about her day and I put D7 to bed.

W was cold and distant, literally could not spend more than 2 mins in the same room as me - I ended up going to the office to watch football to avoid any confrontation.

W came into the office - asking why I was locking myself away, I said every time I entered a room she disappeared so I thought she wanted her own time.

W said that it wasn't true - I didn't argue just asked if she would like to watch TV together - W's response "What's the point".

I asked her if there was something bothering her - W's response "No - and stormed off to bed". I then pursued...

Asking questions like -
Why she is behaving like this.
What did I do to deserve this.
Why is she ruining our Marraige, my life and our children's life.
Blah.. blah...
2 mins of "woe is me" with no responses - I did what I should have done earlier - I STFU...

God I can't keep my mouth shut, but it feels like being prodded by a stick...

Eventually went to bed 30 mins later - said goodnight to the W - got the sympathy peck on the cheek before going to sleep.

She'll file in Jan - nothing is changing her mind.
I have changed in many ways - I still have these triggers that set me off - stupid me....

Seriously down, imagining a future without being a family and living together is beyond depressing for me, it's not what I want, it's not what I dreamed of and it's not what I worked towards...

[2thepoint]

"W was cold and distant, literally could not spend more than 2 mins in the same room as me - I ended up going to the office to watch football to avoid any confrontation.

W came into the office - asking why I was locking myself away, I said every time I entered a room she disappeared so I thought she wanted her own time.

W said that it wasn't true - I didn't argue just asked if she would like to watch TV together - W's response "What's the point".

I asked her if there was something bothering her - W's response "No - and stormed off to bed"."

See, this is what I don't get. Your W seeks YOU out after you realize that the tension is running so damn high that you have no other choice but to leave the room she is in. It seems like something is missing. So, why did you really leave the room? because you were uncomfortable? How did you leave the room? In a huff?

I know you have a problem keeping your mouth shut. You've admitted as much in this post as well as others. So... if you are going to say something, why not make it meaningful AND truthful?

I mean, if you enter a room that your W is in and you are uncomfortable and leave and she pursues, why not just be honest in a non-threatening, non-pursuing way and tell her that you left because you feel tension in the air, you are upset, you wish there was someway you both could find a way to ease the tension some, etc.

See, when you tell her that you thought she wanted her own time, you are sort of making a judgement or mind-reading and that puts a burden on your W that likely provokes her.

Think about how that interaction might have gone differently if you had acted differently.

Why do you suppose she came to you to see why you were locking yourself away? If the tension was as thick as you imply, wouldn't she be thinking the same thing? What do you think are her motives and how might you be provoking those motives?

Just some things to think about...

[BklynMom]

You made a mistake but you gotta pick yourself back up and try again or you have no chance.

I am envious of you that you have 3 weeks of your wife living with you for her to see the new you. My H doesnt live with me so its harder for him to see the changes. Be grateful for what you have.

I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE. YOU HAVE AT LEAST 3 WEEKS - THAT IS A LONG TIME TO SHOW HOW CHILL YOU CAN BE. DONT GIVE UP & KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT;)

[workinghardguy]

Seriously down, imagining a future without being a family and living together is beyond depressing for me, it's not what I want, it's not what I dreamed of and it's not what I worked towards...

Peter... I hear you man, it's not at all what we signed on for or hoped for years ago when we said "I do". But, life is what it is, we can't go back and change things and we can't control others actions.

Can you find a calm place where you can sit down and visualize what life might be like after this? Not from a sad, depressed, angry viewpoint but from a place of growth. Your daughters will still need you and want you. You will still play a role in their lives. Do you want that role to be angry/bitter dad guy? Probably not.

It suxx trying to contemplate "life after". But I look around and see lots of dads who are succeeding and happy. Would they be happier with intact families? Maybe, probably. But they've constructed a different kind of happiness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you're looking at this as a death sentence, and it's not. It's just a different style of life. When you fear something it makes you do stupid and irrational things. It makes you act out because you want to get away and control the fear. Instead, face that fear. See it for what it is and then manage it and work against it. You don't get to control being married or not, so that strategy for facing the fear won't work. You have to find a different strategy.

[Grocerykartman]

NYC,

Workinghardguy's advice above is magnificent.

He's right. Divorce is not a death sentence, or at least it doesn't have to be. And if it does happen, the more tension you contribute to the situation now is all the more you may have to try to erase later. My ex and I get along great now, and in many ways have a stronger relationship. I don't think it would be that way though if I had continued making her feel awful and scolding her for months on end.

You can be strong through this. You just don't know you can.

If you could take some time to reflect on yourself, what are you most afraid of with all of this?

In the meantime, with the outbursts, just ask yourself: As hard as it has been for you to detach and take the high road, is not keeping your mouth shut working for you?

I wish you well.