WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[witz10]

I felt this was some place that I can just vent about my feelings as well as a journal for me.
Well last week was not that great as you have read. Getting the copy of the sep agreement. I didn't have my kids this past weekend so Friday night I caught up with a friend and updated him on my situation. He had some valid points he made to me and believes things can be worked out. She just needs to go through her MLC and we will see what happens in the end.
I have been reading more DR and like I wrote figuring out more things that went wrong and posting them here so they are always available for me to view. I am correcting these and now that I am aware of them I know they will not happen again.

I went and saw another therapist over the summer when my usual one was on vacation. He asked me if I were to get back together with my W, in a few years how will I prevent this from happening again. I told him because I will remember what it was like and it will not ever happen again whether I am with my W or someone else in the future.

Saturday did my first 5K which I ran in 37 minutes then walked back to meet up with my W, D and S to go across the finish line with them. I have pics of this now on my facebook page and I am really proud of myself. Saturday night did a family train ride on the Polar Express. It was a good family night. I was very upbeat and happy go lucky around my W. She was the one that needed to fall into place which she eventually did. Felt really good. After that went to a xmas party at a friends house and had a blast. Haven't seen his family in a very long time. Spoke with a friends fiance about reading a book called Blink. She knows what is going on and her comment to me was I can hope but don't have high expectations. Take what happens and go from there.

Sunday woke up late and was just a relaxing day did a bunch of errands and shopping for my kids, niece and nephew with my brother. Then spoke with someone I used to work with from the toy store. Did a few more errands for me then back to my moms to eat and spent a good bit of the night wrapping presents for kids.

Tonight go to dinner with my neighbor if he is up for it then gym and relax at home. More reading later.

[witz10]

I had a woman at work ask me if I wanted to be setup with a frie ds daughter who is recently separated. I told her it was way too soon still and I was not ready.
Dropped of xmas toys for kids at my condo. Saw two wine glasses sitting in my sink. Makes me feel so good. I did ask my wife if it was ok to stop by. Guess she doesn't care if i see it. Which is just like other spouses on here. I feel sad for her in a way. She can't tell anyone about this and it is still behind closed doors.
MWD puts it infront of all to see how to work it out but people still have blinders on. I am a very patient man lets see what and when patients wins the marathon.

[MrBond]

Personally, I think you should have gone out with the other woman. You'd only be getting a drink with her and not marry her. It would also help your self-esteem a little and get back your attitude.

[verycrazy]

I disagree with MRBond, married people should not date. Separated does not equal not married.
vc

[witz10]

Here is my question though. How long do you wait? I mean I am going on 8 months I know I am not ready for another relationship but how long do I wait for my W to make up her mind. Books say her affair technically would only last 6 months by average. Well they don't go out any where and its more of friends with benefits in my opinion.

Funny tonight my W texted me that she is feeling overwhelmed with everything and needs me to take over somethings for the holiday. Like teachers presents, which I already picked up, need to be wrapped as well as the gifts my son bought for our families. My wife bought bags and tissue paper. Now how long would it take her to put this togehter. About 15 minutes or so.
The other things she has to do , Bake pies, food shop, work at her second job tomorrow night and thursday, go to the gym, finish holiday shopping. Now she has nothing to do at work and at least an hour at night to do wrapping. Guess OM can't help her that would mean he has to put his drink down. Which this week is wine. I told her I would take the teachers gifts and my sons gifts since chanukah is tomorrow night. If we were together none of this would be happening. She is so illogical drives me nuts these days.

[witz10]

Had another weird event sort of happen. I have not worn my star since we got back from vacation in june. Been a little pissed at religion. Now I am not a religious person I believe there is something out there I just take a comics stand about how we all got here. Too many holes in the stories. But I am open to all of it and find it interesting.
Last week after getting my things from home my star was in my valet. I decided to start wearing it again. Now at night before going to bed I lie on my back and look at the ceiling and talk to whomever is out there and ask for help with my sitch.
Tongith I go to eat dinner at a chinese restaurant. I was leaning towards salad earlier in the day but someone in my office was eatting wonton soup and that stuck with me all day.
I finish my meal and while I am eatting I hear a voice in the booth behind me and it is someone I work with at the office. An appraiser who also happens to be a Cantor at a synagogue. We were talking for a bit. Last place I thought I would find him. I know two jews in a chinese restaurant what are the odds. Staggering. He went to Israel over thanksgiving and I spoke to him about my sitch and he said he put a prayer in the Wailing wall for me and asked how we were doing. Told him better but not great.
I just found it weird first time I put my star on and all this just happens to fall into place. Butterfly effect.
I think everything happens for a reason and thats why I am still fighting for my marriage I am not done. Everytime I think I am something weird happens and I am not looking for it. It just finds me.

[adinva]

Hi Witz - only you can know how long you'll wait; there aren't any statistics that will be meaningful in your unique situation. For me, I wait as long as I think I'm doing some good somewhere. My R with H, my personal growth, my sons' emotional health and welfare.

I was wondering. I know you're really resentful; it comes out in a lot of what you talk about. But the way you diminish and ridicule her feeling of being overwhelmed could be indicative of something that might have been wrong in your relationship with W. You might try understanding her more, but you have to put your pride and hurt feelings aside to do that. You'll learn a lot more by trying to understand her world than you will by focusing on how irrational she's being.

You're trying to show "emotional availability" and all she talks about is the kids and holidays and such. Here's an example where she was sharing her feelings of being overwhelmed. If you were emotionally available at that moment, you must have been presenting a front because you came here and derided her.

This is a safe place to vent, so don't think I'm trying to censor you. I'm just wondering if in your vent you can see something you could work on within yourself. Humility, beginner's mind, validation?

[verycrazy]

You know, witz, it's kind of weird, but my H, S, and I were talking about the butterfly effect day before yesterday. And here you are mentioning it.

It isn't God's fault that people find themselves in these situations. If you think about it, almost all of people's problems and ills are caused by we ourselves. Sometimes, when we don't think something we have done is of great import, the loved ones in our lives feel them very deeply, and that can begin to affect how they feel about us. When you don't take someone's feelings seriously, and brush them aside, they may feel you just don't understand them.

I don't know about the "signs and wonders" you keep experiencing, but if it keeps you hoping and working on yourself, great.

vc

[witz10]

Thank you for responding Adniva.

The thing with her being overwhelmed is when I was home I was doing a lot of the things she is not used to. Every year I pick up kids presents and we wrap them together. This year I wrapped them and dropped them off at the condo. I picked up the teacher presents, cards, stamps, envelopes to send pics, labels to send cards. All of which were dropped off last night. Now I have a box waiting for me at my daughters daycare to wrap teachers presents.
Here is her text to me.

W - I'm gonna need your help. I am beyond stressed I can't help S with family presents and teacher presents, I need you to take one of these projects on.

M- Bring the teacher presents to sitters and I will wrap them plus a few cards for them as well.

W - I picked up tissue paper and bags for S gifts

M- Gimme whatever you need me to do. I can wrap and work with him on his presents. Not a problem.

W- I just don't have any time this week.

M- Is everything OK

W- Busy swamped I just don't have time. Between wrapping, finishing shopping, private practice, D gymnastics, food shopping, pie baking. no i think thats it.

She is being paid this week to sit at her desk and surf online. No students at her university. She is off on Friday had nothing this past Sunday except kids.

She needs to feel like she is wonder woman and it seems to come back and bite her in the a$$.

Would it be better if I were there, yea I would have helped her out and she would not be this stressed out.

[witz10]

Verycrazy

Thanks. I am a believer that things happen for reasons. This happened to me to give me a kick in the butt to get a new job/carrier. Hopefully my W will see this when I do get a new job and rethink us.

Heres to wishful thinking.