Purgatory,

Change your perspective on your H leaving for a year. This is your chance to really shine. Make changes that stick and figure out how to move forward.

Don't worry about your H not seeing your changes. Your children, just in their conversations with him, will let him know about your changes. Others that talk to him regularly will also let him know as they will see them too.

In your conversations with him don't tell him about your changes. Actions speak so much louder than words! Work on getting yourself stabilized and in a good place so that you can handle how ever your sitch turns out. You know what's happening to you health wise, now work with your doctor so that you control your emotions, so that you don't put yourself into the position for fugue states and losing control and memory of your actions. It is scary that you could get so angry that you would lose memory of what you said or did.

I'm glad you got help for the postpartum depression/psychosis symptoms.

Do not pressure your H to stay at home until he deploys. Let him work through that. You have some knowledge right now and knowledge is power. Start being the best person you can be, the one only a fool would leave. Keep in mind the DB principles when dealing with your H. Remember that how you conduct yourself will leave a bigger impression than any words. Maintain grace, honor and dignity in all that you do and how you handle whatever comes up. One thing that will definitely push him away further is to act needy, they see that as trying to control them to make them stay.

You have opportunities to turn this thing around, but it won't happen with tricks or magic, and it won't happen fast. As it took a long time to get to this position, it will take a long time of consistent change to convince your H that the changes are real and that M to you will be different from here on out.

Hang in there and work with your knowledge for a new and improved you. Those loving feelings are actually a choice not a feeling. Your H can choose whether those feelings for you return. You are on your way to being awesome!