H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[25yearsmlc]

You are right. My DB coach said the same thing today. I posted some of his advice in my Newcomers post. DB Coach says he lays out some bait to see if I jump. So far, I usually take the bait. Now I need create more distance and get busy GALing!

what exactly did your H say when he claimed to want to work on things? I missed what he actually said. Did he text that to you? And after this "let's reconcile" text, he then contacted OW and or some other girl?

Is that correct?

here is what else you posted in another thread:

I feel like a doormat many times. It's hard for me to act uninterested, but I see your point. He has no doubt in his mind that I would take him back if he truly wanted to come back.

I have been doing a lot of GALing and a lot less initiating contact or invitations than I used to, but most of the time if he contacts me, I am there for him. It's hard for me not to be. I don't know, I guess I should try acting more disinterested and unavailable.

this ^^^ is clear to me. You MUST become more unavailable even if you "feel" interested. Where the head goes, the heart will follow...if you allow it.

So, you need to KNOW what you need to do and do it, even if you don't "Feel" like it. Eventually you will become more comfortable with that, especially when you see some results.

I don't think the results you are getting right now are what you want. His behavior is mixed or as Cadet says, a "touch and go". That is something you can respond to, differently. When you do new behaviors, you'll eventually see different results.

This takes time. Expect no changes to last, in a short time. He has a lot to process. He's very confused, and conflicted.


By the way, he didn't wear his wedding ring yesterday. I suspect he just wanted it for the interview.


agreed...hence no words of explanation.


Had a great time tonight going ice skating with a friend. It was my first time on the ice and I actually did ok. I didn't fall once! It was also a welcome distraction from the heartache yesterday and this morning. H actually invited me to go to a friend's BBQ today, but I turned him down telling him I had errands to run.



Next time say you have plans, and stay vague. I am not saying you must lie. But volunteering details is not necessary.

And it's NOT helping you or your cause. The "mystery" concept is FOR saving the marriage. Start seeing it that way and it'll help.


He continues texting and calling the OW (I know, I need to stop looking at phone records...I'll get there some day). In fact, she called and texted him this AM. And he called her in the afteroon. He has also continues texting his girlfriend (or whatever she is). So, to Cadet's point, if he were really serious about reconciling he wouldn't be texting/calling these two women everyday. He has more contact with them right now than he does with me.


So, why are you discussing a reconciliation? I mean, what does that word mean in this context?

I can see you two possibly dating...IF HE makes a move towards it.

But I can also see NOT dating him anytime soon. OR saying "no thanks, I'm busy".

You simply must show him that he risks SOMETHING by doing this yo yo game, or he'll have no reason to stop.


You MUST also go out of your comfort zone for many reasons but the main one is,

if you don't NOW go out of your comfort zone and GAL meeting other people, you will be Forced to later, when you single and hurting more than you are now.

Now, GAL and getting out of your comfort zone may help your marriage but for sure will help YOU...

Later on, it'll only be for you.

If you do NOT GAL then
1) you LESSEN the chance of a real restoration of your marriage and

2) even if you did reconcile, you'll lack confidence and you will probably always having that nagging free floating anxiety in the back of your mind that you are not interesting enough...not exciting enough, NOT MYSTERIOUS enough....and that will set you back and keep you from true happiness

and from truly being fully intimate with your h. The worse you feel about yourself inside, the more you'll hold back and the more you will depend on him for your own self esteem.

That is not fair to HIM. It's making him responsible for your happiness; and he's not. It's not his job to make you feel worthwhile. He should treat you well, of course. But your self esteem and your happiness are YOUR responsibility.

When one partner revolves around the other.
It means you are basically bringing nothing to the table b/c you are merely his auxiliary. His "mirror"....

I don't know if he's narcissistic and if that is why the marriage lasted this long.
And I don't want to summarize an 11 year marriage with a sentence or Reader's Digest version of a relationship I'm sure is more complex.

But I know you are not happy and you won't be happy with THIS MAN, if you don't GAL and feel better about yourself.

Then you'll be more confident and you will bring something to the table - like your own interest and hobbies and friends and things that have nothing to do with him.

He may want to join in your interesting life or not. But if all he gets is the same old comfort of the used blanket, he's going to keep wandering after he gets his fix.

You can turn this around but it'll mean you changing. Yes, YOU must change.

You are the one here posting...he's not. Embrace the fact that YOU are willing to change b/c it is empowering. Try to see it that way.

Down the road, perhaps a long road, he will need to change too. We know that.
He may or may not. But you don't control that. So for now, it's ALL you...

Remember as DB says, a m is a relationship between 2 people. If one of those people changes, then the r itself changes, by definition.

So for now, it's all you.

I strongly recommend you do everything in your power to GAL without him and to imagine life without him

but happy...

what would that look like? If he died and enough time had passed, surely you would not shrivel up and die? What would you be doing?

Envision it with details in mind. Who are you hanging with? What are you doing with your time? What new classes/seminars or hobbies would you take up?
What is making you happy in this scenario?

What clubs or churches or clubs would you join? Which of those things can you create in your life NOW?

Here are some suggestions that worked for me.

Most don't cost much.

Most were new to me at the time. Some of them changed my life.

I took flying lessons and got a pilot's license.
Joined a church I liked
Joined a writer's group. Something I wrote was entered in a festival & won.

Began doing stand up comedy. I now write jokes as an avocation.

Took a pottery class. (Very different for me).

Took a photography class.

Joined the Officer's Wives club, which was surprisingly fun. ( I had been way too judgemental about the club before. My loss. I made some great friends there.)

Worked out often/regularly.
(Got in best shape I'd been in a long time. I looked good-felt better about myself.)

Got a new hair style, wore new perfumes I enjoyed. Simple but comforting.

Saw a shrink, got on meds for the winter. They helped.

Volunteered at the Battered women's shelter and got on the board of Directors.

Learned to hunt/fish.

Edited a book.

Took a cooking class.
Auditioned for plays and got roles. Met cool new people.

Gave free seminars on financial management, mostly to women's groups.

Volunteered at the kids's schools. Went on their field trips too.

Most of these involved meeting new people. ALL of them helped me remember what I offer others.

You need to see the value you have in you. You need to realize your gifts and strengths and that your h will lose a lot if he loses you. Believe this.

When I realized finally, that my h was going to do whatever he was going to do and that all I controlled was ME and MY future I detached and

I really GAL.

I began to truly believe that I would be happy no matter what. I began to BE HAPPY and my kids benefitted from that too.

I am sure this radiated from me. Why? B/C I believed it. So it showed.

I think, but cannot prove, that my h noticed this. I think, but cannot prove, that

h began to think HE was going to lose more than I was, by leaving.

Frankly, I don't know what my H was thinking/doing/planning b/c

I stopped focussing on him and his choices

and instead did what I could to make MY Life and the life of my kids, better.

When my h began to change and want to reconcile, he said a lot of things I needed to hear. I heard him but did nothing different. I was pleasant and upbeat but busy. I was not going to be derailed by his words...

Until he DID somethings, I could not waste my energy or hopes on what MIGHT happen with him...

I had created a good life for me and my kids and was not about to toss it away to go back to crazy-pain land, b/c h missed me or had some doubts & wanted to check that I was still waiting for h.

I knew He needed a lot of certainty after 2 years of vascillating
and me letting that make me nuts

til I felt certain of HIS certainty, I was just not interested in risking my hard earned gains for another round of his MLC stuff.

Plus, frankly, I had begun to realize that NOT all was horrible without h. There were upsides to his absence. I really was going to be happy no matter what.

When you see this and believe it (or fake it til you make it, gimmicky but true)

you'll feel better.