Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

I think this place should be called "DB Land, The unhappiest place on earth" Filled with roller coasters (that never seem to end), a hall of mirrors that let you see all aspects of your relationship, a maze that keeps you guessing at every turn and house of horrors which include: affairs, liars and manipulators.
That's my idea, send it to Disney! Ok, I'm in a rough spot and I needed to make myself laugh.

Over the past 2 days, I have seen a huge change in H and then have it taken away just as quick... (kinda long, hang in there please)
We were discussing our separation agreement and somethings were upsetting to me and I had to excuse myself because I knew I would cry. H came and found me and laid down next to me and apologized for how hard this is on me and that he never intended for the talk to upset me. (He hasn't shown concern for me in over 3 weeks, even though he has heard me having breakdowns... I saw this as a positive.) We talked a little more about the papers and I asked him not to sign anything before he's deployed for a year (it's just and extra slap in the face. I mean, can you get MORE separated than 3000 miles in between?!) He said that he at least wanted to get something in print about finances and the kids. He brought up the fact that I have threatened to take the kids away before (6 times to be exact), even going as far to pack suitcases and the car (here's where it gets weird...)

I don't remember any of this.
It freaked me out that he had a different version of our history... I really started to panic. He seemed genuinely concerned that I didn't remember these awful events. I lost it. I started crying and saying random things because my mind was racing... "I could never have said anything like that", "that wasn't me", "The crazy me caused all this destruction and now I have to pay the price", "what else don't I remember?"

Luckily, I had an IC appointment today so I was able to replay it with her. *I saw my H when he came to get the kids before my appointment, he lingered by my car and smiled when he said good-bye (little flutters in my heart)* My C was able to walk me through it and decided that I am suffering from 'fugue (sp?) states' where the brain blocks out events because of trauma. From her therapy standpoint, she feels that my post-pardum 'hormone hurricane' could have been enough to cause these events. I had a theory (and she said it was really promising) that my now known heart condition could contribute to these fugue states- because my heart doesn't re-oxginate the blood when it's stressed (or any high-heart rate)...so my brain would have been suffering from lack of oxygen when I'm screaming my head off.

I'm really weirded out by this new 'awakening'. I feel like the more I learn about what I don't remember, the more I realize how out of control I really was. I had always said that I felt like a battle in my head and that I didn't know who I was anymore (during my post-pardum). My H seems to be concerned. I told him that I was scared he would think I'm a crazy person and that I shouldn't be around the kids, and he said this is something that I couldn't have ever controlled and he wouldn't hold it against me... and yet he IS holding it against me because he's leaving me for what happened during those years. Grrrr

I really wish there was a way to get him to say: "ok. the crazy you was the mean one, show me the new you." That won't ever happen, but a girl can dream, right?
I'm more motivated to continue down this path to be happy with all that I have discovered about myself and show him and the rest of the family the 'new' me

AND on top of that drama... my H found out that he will be going to Afghanistan in July for 385 days. He actually wanted to talk with me about which job he should take over there- we made a pro and con list and his main concerns were which ones kept him close to the internet so he could communicate with me and the kids (I was pleased that he put my name in there too)... but now I feel like I have a deadline for my DBing. I can't see how I can 'show' him much of anything through the phone and webcam I know that my DB efforts will make me a much better person and mom, but it [censored] that he won't be around to see me be awesome.
Then he tells me that a friend offered to let him move into his house until July (this friend is married and a really good guy, so I'm glad it's not a single bar-hopping friend.) My H said he's not moving until Feb. Then he says:"well, what's the point then- I'll only be there for a few months until to July, so I don't know."
[WTF am I supposed to think?? He says he's moving out, then can't decided when or if he's really gonna do it]

A 2 day roller coaster... I won't demand my money back as long as someone makes it stop!!